Free Radical Thinking

Relationship Reincarnation

2012-01-12T05:30:00.000-08:00

I initially meet up with Maria because I am searching for a job. Maria is a well-connected writer and I am a less connected, but experienced publicist looking for a mostly writing position (if any exist out there, consider this my informal want ad). But Maria gets right down to business - the business that interests her most for today - men.

Maria is married to Carl, a handsome blonde veterinarian with chiseled cheekbones and a semi-permanent smile. They have been married for 15 years and Maria is starting to grow impatient with the relationship and the lack of "intense passion," an intense passion she is not sure that Carl and she have ever shared - as she tells it now. I explain to Maria that maybe she doesn't have the right expectations about marriage. Passion waxes and wanes and sex will not always be hot and heavy. That's what happens with comfort and becoming best friends. Certain feelings come and go and then they return and you ride the wave as best friends... yada yada...but Maria is distracted.

"Do you remember when I told you about Ben?" she asks. My mind immediately flashes to my son Ben, then "The Bachelor" Ben on ABC's hit series, and then finally settles on a Ben that Maria and I once knew in common.

"No," she says, assessing my fake blank stare, "Ben my boyfriend before Carl," she confirms. "I still think about him - Do you ever still think about your exes?"

Now being forced to think about it, I do consider my exes but not in positive ways: I remember the one who suddenly got angry and locked me out of his apartment when we had plans to pack and go hiking in New Paltz, New York. I remember another ex boyfriend who pulled over on the side of the road when I made suggestions to follow a different set of directions to our destination. "If there's anything you should know about men," he had said with a clenched jaw "It's that we don't like being given directions by a woman." The demise of that relationship came rather quickly and as I try to remember other relationships (AKA mishaps), I can't conjure up many good memories.

"Nope," I answer which elicits a "You are full of it" look from Maria.

Well, there was one...he was hilarious and charming and dynamic, incredibly bright and ambitious, a Duke and Harvard educated lawyer...but he was also that same volatile mood-shifter who suddenly locked me out of his apartment when we were supposed to go hiking. And he is the one who told me he could not fully commit to me despite the fact that we spent all our free time together for many months. If I were Nora Ephron, he would be that ex from the past that despite my moving on from, embitters me to feel bad about my neck...from time to time...or something like that.

"I'm working with Ben!" Maria confesses.

"No! THE Ben?!" I ask, knowing I have just dropped the "I have no clue" charade.

"No, not the Ben. His name is David and he is entirely like Ben, and we connect. There's an incredible mutual attraction and I just don't know what to do about it."

If I were to give advice to Maria, it would be to stay far away from David in the way that I know she is intending not to, to stick with Carl and to work on their marriage. But Maria is not asking my advice. I can tell by the way her lips are pursed in finality when she says "I just don't know what to do about it." I can tell by the way her hands are folded and her back is starting to turn towards me as she pretends to seek out a low fat dressing for her salad.

Maria is quite possibly about to embark on some version of an emotional affair, because Maria has unfinished business with Ben and now Ben is David and David/Ben works in her office. It is all very confusing to an outsider, but I almost became a psychologist years ago. Today, observing people is what I do and I do get Maria For the next few weeks (at least), poor Carl doesn't stand a chance when it comes to receiving Maria's undivided attention.

Instead of giving her advice, I look in Maria's eyes and say "Why did things END with Ben?"

Maria sits and gets a far away look. I try not to get irked that we are not discussing job prospects for me because I know Maria needs to discuss this for her - this no good relationship that ended nearly two decades ago that she is now reincarnating.

"I don't remember why it ended!" she lies to herself.

But I do remember, and in time, Maria will too.

I only hope that time comes soon enough.

Why I haven't Written for the Religion Section in Ages

2012-01-05T05:14:00.000-08:00

I am hardly the paragon of religious piety and far from a moral messiah. There are parts of my life that are less than exemplary and things I am ashamed of on a daily basis - from gossip to judgements of others to white lies I've told... I am quite far from perfect.

Even if the prerequisite to write for this section is "to be very very good," then I may not be a fit. However, if there is leeway here and refreshing honesty, the admission that there is much to work on, to improve, to completely change and repent for are among the criteria, then maybe I won't have to abandon and jump ship.

What makes one eligible for the Religion section? And furthermore, what makes one a "good person?" According to Judaism, there is a concept of being created in the image or likeness of God and the interpretation is to emulate Him ("Her" for the feminists).

Rabbi Noah Weinberger writes for Aish HaTorah (www.aish.com):

"Would you want to be the person to discover the cure for cancer or eliminate the threat of nuclear war? Of course! We would all love to rid the world of it's problems and unite humanity in peace and harmony. That is the Jewish concept of the Messiah. He will put the world back together.

I once asked a class, "Tell me honestly. In the secret, innermost part of your heart, do you harbor the desire to be the Messiah himself?"

The entire class raised their hands.

Now here's a deep spiritual secret: The soul, the divine spark within each of us, craves to be united with the source of all life - the Almighty God. And for that reason, every human being, underneath it all, would not even feel satisfied being the Messiah. Our soul desires to be like God Himself.

So why don't we aim for it?

Not because we don't want to change the world. But because the effort seems too great."

I know ambitious people who desire to be great, who give charity, who go out of their way so as not to offend others and who perform acts of kindness, but like many of the political candidates we've come to know - and, er, read about in the tabloids - every one has faults. How many personal pitfalls (and of what magnitude) is a person permitted to still be considered a "good person" in others' eyes?

And when it comes to this Religion section of The Huffington Post: Are all welcome to post and weight in? Are we all worthy? Furthermore, do we even need to be worthy to weigh in here?

Maybe religion is about exploration and I am Magellan on a long voyage to stake my great straits. However, my journey has been far from great...or nice and straight.

I wish there was a way to end this piece by saying that I've found my inner peace.

Happy endings have always been my specialty when it comes to writing, especially those fictional stories and plays I would craft when I was in college. But to accept blindly and say "I don't need to understand" is not my style, so I trudge on and wade through. Sometimes I don't try at all, making a half-hearted attempt to determine what is right, what is wrong and what is simply my "Jewish guilt." The latter is a cliche I did not intend to succumb to, but perhaps it is innate, a fate I just can't escape.

Who am I and should I be writing here? There's no clear cut answer, but I'm back - back here in the Religion section -

with the intention of finding out.

The Things You Wouldn't Say (...Someone Else Will!)

2012-01-02T10:17:00.001-08:00

Tact is not something entirely inherent, while I do believe there are genetic components and emotional intellectual quotients that make it a part of one's being.

It is a learned response, a form of politeness that can be honed in early childhood and is highly dependent on parental teachings and positive environs.

One of my earliest memories involves a cringe-worthy moment for my mother, when I turned to a tall burly man in a Bronx elevator and said "You shouldn't smoke, it's bad for you." While it is likely true, it's not something I would now say to a perfect stranger. I remember my mother's anxiously polite response (as well as the man's), the jaw-splitting smiles, the chirpy laughter, her trying to cover up for the brash 4 year old that I was.

...I was cute enough to get away with it then...

At 37, I've noticed that some of my acquaintances choose words carefully while others seem to have what is known as "no filter."

It's not so cute today.

The things you wouldn't say - very often, someone else will.

When I was pregnant 3 years ago, a neighbor approached me at the community recreation center and loudly proclaimed "You're gonna bust right out of that T- shirt. You sure you should be that big for just 5 months pregnant?" When I informed her I was actually carrying twins, she scolded me repeatedly for being too small.

While I contemplated launching a maternity line with witty comebacks (i.e. "MYOB: Mind Your Own Belly" and "Hands off!"), I saw how free people were to say things with no foresight about what might be hurtful and highly annoying.

Words that could potentially put Kleenex out of business (if you've ever been pregnant, I know that you're following) are often the result of cranial overload induced verbal diarrhea.

On the other hand, it is not always possible to predict what might be hurtful to others. That which one person hears as a teasing tune of a flute may arrive as the clash of symbols in the recipient's ears.

A few years ago, I upset a friend by sharing a dream that I had about her. I had no idea she was desperately trying to get pregnant and had just suffered a miscarriage when I informed her that I had a dream she was pregnant. We've all upset somebody by saying something that we thought nothing of, but I would say that if you have a doubt in your mind (or even an inkling of one), take out that filter and try to separate the wheat from the chaff.

Let your mind do the thinking before your mouth does the talking.

"She Comes with Baggage" - How to Fake Awake when you can't get enough zzzzs!

2011-10-26T05:22:00.000-07:00

I'm a 37 year old mom of 4, a writer and I have a whole other job - yes, a whole other job. And that doesn't include countless hours of volunteer work and nighttime meetings. There are times when I just can't get enough sleep. For me, it tends to show up under my eyes. I remember the days when I voluntarily stayed up late as a single girl about town in NYC, attending parties that started no earlier than 10:30 with unspecified end times. These events took place in smoky venues and required a minimum of 3 drinks per person. I look back now and say "I CHOSE to forego sleep?" But as I recall, it didn't show up so easily on my skin despite exposure to the harshest of elements. Breathing in secondhand smoke, tossing back vodka shots and partying until the wee am hours are not things I would have been able to keep up forever.

These days, I am armed with my Clinique All About Eyes serum with its metal roller ball (I keep it in my refrigerator so it is cold enough to bring down puffiness) and Cover FX foundation to hide the dark circles. These are my secret weapons - well, not so secret anymore, as I'm exposing them to you right now!
I spoke with celebrity makeup artists, cosmetic chemists, skincare experts and MDs. Here are their tips and tricks for looking more awake instead of going back to bed:

Waking up to a Cold Blast
If you've ever watched the classic Mommy Dearest, you've seen how Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford attacked her face with buckets of ice each morning. Dermatologist Marina Peredo, MD recommends applying Green tea bags COLD to the under eye area; The tea's antioxidants help to reduce inflammation while the cold temporarily reduces dilated and discolored under-eye blood vessels, constricting them and giving you a more alert appearance.

Beauty blogger and eco-Friendly makeup artist Kaylin Johnson (www.kaylinskit.com) recommends refrigerating eye cream and applying it cold to reduce puffiness. Refrigeration also works well with metal roller ball serum products. You can also use something as simple as eye gel rounds, like those made to look like cucumbers from Eye Candy Coolers ($12 at www.eyecandycoolers.com).

Another use for my babies' frozen peas (oh, and how I wish my older boys would eat that stuff!)
If you prefer to get crafty in the kitchen, Ole Henriksen of the OLEHENRIKSEN skincare line (sold at Sephora stores) suggests taking frozen peas and rolling them in gauze, like a sushi roll. Press the package firmly across the eyes to increase circulation in this sensitive area.

Start Your Day With Milk - as a Face Wash!
Cecilia Wong, owner of NYC based Cecilia Wong Skincare, recommends dipping a washcloth in a bowl of cold milk and applying the wash cloth to your face for five minutes. "Milk will balance the PH of skin and help brighten skin tone," she explains. I liked Wong's own Milk Exfoliating Cleanser ($44 at www.ceciliawongskincare.com).

And, of course, Caffeine!
It's not just for your coffee. Dark circles may be "allergic shiners" or due to genetics, but caffeine in products - especially when combining caffeine with niacinimide, retinol and peptides - can brighten the eye area. Caffeine by itself has been shown to stimulate circulation and reduce swelling. Aside from the caffeine in those cold green tea bags to apply under the eyes, Dr. Peredo recommends Olay Professional Pro-X Eye Restoration Complex which combines these ingredients, $39.99 at Walgreens.com.

Regu-Age and Vitamin C
Besides caffeine, niacinimide, retinol and peptides, there are plenty of ingredients to look for in your eye creams. Henriksen recommends products with high concentrations of Regu-Age, an extract derived from yeast and rice bran protein that diminishes dark circles and puffiness. Regu-Age combined with micro algae firms skin and boosts collagen production while, Vitamin C brightens skin tone.

Glycolic and Lactic Acid
These are ingredients that gently exfoliate the skin to enhance cell renewal and reduce the appearance of wrinkles on the face. All of these components come together in Henriksen's "Truth is in the Eyes" serum ($65 at Sephora).

Plant Extracts
For natural ingredients that really moisturize dry, delicate skin without making your eyes water or sting, you can try Cyto-Luxe Eye Cream by glo therapeutics. Although it retails for $95, it is well worth the price tag with ingredients like Myoxinal, a tropical plant extract that has been shown to eliminate the micro-contractions that lead to facial wrinkles.

Don't's say "Arg" if you haven't tried Arginine!
Another ingredient to know about: Arginine is an amino acid that soothes the skin and promotes wrinkle resistance. OLEHENRIKSEN's Ultimate Lift Eye Gel ($38, Sephora) is a calmative nighttime eye remedy for puffiness and the appearance of wrinkles. Aloe vera and cucumber combined with arginine soothe the skin and over time, can help smooth the skin's appearance. For best results, store the gel in your refrigerator.

Vitamin K, Hesperidin, Chrysin and Crushed Pearls
The ingredients listed above are a must in an eye cream for beauty expert Elise Hamamoto, who says they "reduce dark bruise-like discolorations and puffiness around the eyes with long-term use. Crushed pearls contribute a subtle shimmer that instantly camouflages under-eye circles and make eyes appear bigger and brighter." Check out HydroPeptide products, www.hydropeptide.com. Their eye cream isn't cheap (it retails for $60), but was selected as a winner of Day Spa Magazine's Editor's Choice awards.

Can You Stomach Oatmeal?
Nicole Lundy, a makeup artist and the founder of Ne Lani Skincare suggests fitting oatmeal into your daily diet because this breakfast staple is a natural anti-inflammatory and helps to regulate your skin's natural pH balance. Oatmeal can also be used topically as a natural scrub on the face and body to get rid of dead skin cells and reveal a radiant, more awake-looking complexion.

Eat 'n Wear Antioxidants
Lundy says to include foods that are nutritionally rich with vitamins, minerals and antioxidants (dark leafy vegetables, berries, nuts, grains) into your meals. She recommends using beauty products that contain naturally occurring vitamins, minerals and antioxidants for an overall vibrant look. With a consistent diet of antioxidants, a missed night of sleep here and there will show up less on your face. Lundy advises: "Read the labels of your beauty products to determine which ones are giving a greater rate of return for your skin's nutrition."

A Quick Sprint or a Quick Spritz
In addition to providing stellar makeup tips, Dimitri James of Skinn Cosmetics recommends exercising for 5-10 minutes to create circulation and a rosy glow. Cosmetologist Sandra Marshall (www.egyptianessences.com) says that when you're too time crunched for a run or a nap, spritzing your face with a combination of rose and lavender oils mixed with water can help wake you up. According to Marshall, "These two oils are beneficial for the skin. They also relax you as well as give you a quick pick me up."

Don't Underestimate a Good Brow
Reema Khan, the founder and president of s.h.a.p.e.s Brow Bar explains that "a well-shaped brow can highlight bone structure to make any face look more put together and eyes more awake. Brows that are arched to complement face shape can bring out cheek bones, give tired eyes a quick lift and even help thin out a tired, puffy face."
Cosmetic chemist Susan Chyi, the founder of Jelly Pong Pong cosmetics (www.jellypongpong.com), likes illuminating/highlighting cream tapped into the brow bones to "open up" eyes.

Chyi advises: "Pluck stray hairs from beneath your defined arch, brush a brow powder over your brows (or use a brow pencil), and then blend with a brow brush. Use a light concealer or illuminating cream and blend it under your arch to give you clean, well-defined eyebrows."

Tyra's Trick
I've sat through enough Top Model marathons to know about white eyeliner as a major staple for your makeup kit. Kaylin Johnson seconds Tyra Banks' top tip: "Line the inner rims of the eyes with the white liner to brighten eyes."

Does This Tool (pictured) Look Scary To You?
An eyelash curler sure looks scary to me! However, makeup artists swear by it. Curl lashes with a manual lash curler to open up eyes, says Johnson.

You're a Rock Star...So PINK It Up!
"I find a little bit of color on the cheeks helps a great deal, especially a healthy glow that seems to come from within," says Chyi. She recommends using a water-based cheek stain. Options: Tarte's Cheek Stain or Chyi's "Jelly Flush," which gives you an "I just came back from a jog" tint. Some of the cheek stains on the market are formulated with antioxidants and powerful botanical extracts such as Green Tea & Gingko Biloba, Chyi explains. These ingredients moisturize skin at the same time as giving color, providing you with a more youthful, "awake" looking complexion.
Celebrity Makeup artist Kela Wong swears by Cover FX's line of blushes when she's busy keeping Rachel Bilson looking pretty. I have to agree that the line's Pink Topaz and Golden Peach bronzers gave me the perfect flush for my own light (ok, pale) complexion.

Covering it Up Kela's Way
Kela Wong's choice for covering up? Cover FX full coverage foundation ($39 at www.CoverFX.com), no additional concealer necessary (I tried the brand for the first time a couple of weeks ago and fell in love with the products!). Wong, who has also worked with Alicia Keys, J.Lo, Sandra Bullock, Brooke Shields and Rene Russo, swears by this stay-put foundation for a flawless visage. If you do decide to use a separate concealer under the eyes, just go one shade lighter than your skin tone and not too light. The Cover FX line was developed by plastic surgeons to cover post-op scars, so the foundation by itself works phenomenally.

Cheaper Coverage Without Cheapening Quality
Makeup artist Mickey Williams likes less pricey CVS drug store brands and says you want to look for: "dry formulas [of coverage] so little to no powder needs to be used over it. Orange undertones hide blueish circles the best. Stay away from anything that looks too gray. Match your skin tone closely. Never go too light and never go darker than your skin tone or foundation color."

Brighten Up
Brighteners or illuminating makeup products draw attention away from the tired looking areas by giving you a youthful glow and covering up some of the hyper-pigmented skin.

Cover FX offers Brite Prep FX, a brightening foundation primer with full-spectrum SPF (50) protection.

Another choice is the easy to use wand by Dimitri James for Skinn Cosmetics called Bright Eyes - Eye Enhancing Treatment. Explains a representative for Skinn Cosmetics: "This super hydrating brightener utilizes the latest technology in color pigments to virtually erase the look of fatigue and dark circles without the weight and feel of heavy concealers." Special incandescent pigments in the wand make eyes appear bigger and brighter.

The Wide Awake palette by Jelly Pong Pong cosmetics ($24 at www.jellypongpong.com) includes not only an illuminator, but a highlighting cream and eyebrow sculpting tools and powders.

Thin Skinned? Your blood vessels are showing!
Sleep deprivation tends to show up where your skin is thinnest. Those dark circles? Well, that's where the highest concentration of blood vessels clusters and it's showing through your epidermis! These blood vessels are made more apparent by skin paleness in that thin-skinned zone resulting from fatigue.

Makeup artist Brett Freedman recommends prepping skin with refrigerated, pure aloe gel before applying moisturizer and makeup. While cold constricts those blood vessels, pure aloe gel helps to tighten and freshen the skin. Once the aloe is absorbed, Freedman recommends mixing your foundation with a bit of tinted moisture for an added glow and lightly applying the foundation all over the face. "Go into the eyelids and around the eyes," says Freedman, "This takes away the pinkish blood vessels on the lids and puts a nice veil over under-eye circles."

Next, says Freedman, mix a thick, waxy stick concealer with a little foundation on your hand. With a brush, dab it on the inner eye area.

There's no Genie in your eyeballs, Stop Rubbing!
No matter how tired you feel...DO not rub your eyes! Nicole Lundy stresses that the skin around our eyes is the most fragile and will show any mistreatment fast.
She also recommends applying under-eye creams by patting them in lightly with the ring finger, the gentlest of our little piggies.

Sleeping with a silk eye mask
Smoothing the appearance of skin is something you can start on WHILE sleeping if you're able to sleep with an eye mask (I confess, I'm not!). The Branché Belle De Nuit Eye Masque ($38 at www.branchebeautysleep.com) is made of 100% pure charmeuse silk that is treated with 18 amino acids and copper. It is designed to "preserve luminosity of the skin surrounding the eyes, in addition to fighting wrinkles and puffiness." Added bonus for frequent fliers: The mask blocks disrupting light for a deeper sleep.

And Masks You Can Use and Abuse Before Bed
...Well, not exactly "abuse," but toss after use. I love the Karuna face masks (www.KarunaSkin.com) with antioxidants like mushroom extract and green tea as well as plant extracts, peptides and brightening properties like Chinese licorice, chamomile and vitamin B. I couldn't believe how smooth and tight my skin felt after usage. Another product by Karuna, its Renewable Eye Mask, is particularly effective for reducing the appearance of fine lines, puffiness, and dark circles. Unique ingredients: antioxidant mushroom extract, red seaweed & Japanese angelica. In addition, sweet broom extract, a micro-circulation booster, helps to reduce the look of puffiness and discoloration.

4 pairs of Karuna eye masks (a pod for each eye comes in a set), $36 at www.karunaskin.com.

Wear brighter colors
Makeup pro Sandra Marshall suggests eye-catching colors (royal blue, bright yellow) to help brighten you up when you're looking tired, especially helpful when paired with a makeup look focused on highlighting and brightening.

Avoid Seeing Red
Beauty blogger and author Erika Katz (Bonding Over Beauty, A Mother-Daughter Guide to Self-Esteem, Confidence and Trust) suggests using a bone colored eyeliner on the lower lids to brighten tired blood shot eyes. She also uses Visine to get the red out.

"Don't make these tips a habit! Faking it long term is never a good idea!" -Dimitri James for Skinn Cosmetics
James is right. I echo his sentiments when he says about his own tips to clients: "While these tips help every once in a while, it is ultra-important that women get their rest for their health. Long term sleep deprivation hurts our weight loss efforts, causes premature aging and cognitively impacts our ability to make decisions, manage stress and perform at our best."
You don't have to be a doctor to know that there's no proper replacement for a good night's sleep!

Long Skirts: Strolling the Runway and Memory Lane

2011-10-03T10:49:00.000-07:00

Someone is paying $695 for my high school uniform as I write this. Yes, right there in Saks Fifth Avenue -- do you see it? The concept is beyond my ken, but there in the window is the very skirt, front and center as part of the window display.

I'll never forget our class anthem to the tune of Billy Joel's "Still Rock 'n' Roll to me": "What's wrong with the skirt I'm wearing? Can't you see that it reaches my socks. Maybe it should be just a few inches longer to replace the custodian's mops."

As designers like Rebecca Minkoff, Ella Moss, Rag and Bone, Tibi and Sportmax (the latter offers an A-line, ankle-length and leather piece, $1,495!) can confirm, the long skirt is back on the runway. What we referred to as a "tripping hazard" back in our religious all-girls high school (and a "fire hazard" because after all, it would have taken us longer to get out of the building in those things) is gracing the runway. And I do mean "gracing." I know that some of my former classmates are perusing the fashion mags begrudgingly. "Why couldn't we carry off that look so effortlessly back then?"

In those days, the late 80s through early 90s, we looked for the top brand name -- Bis, it was called. It should have been called Abyss because when it came to fashion, we had fallen into one. The rules of modesty really called for our skirts to cover our knees, but because that was subject to various forms of interpretation (beyond my power of explanation), and because skirts had the tendency to rise when we sat, our principal mandated that skirts should touch one's socks. While one fashionable friend wore striped tights and continued to hike up her skirts in rebellion, it was made clear by the principal that she meant "ankle socks" and that the skirts had to reach them. So we shlepped to Brooklyn's Boro Park to buy the Bis, a more pricey variety of the denim drop-waist, "flarey" ankle-length prairie promenade-polisher. The great thing about the elastic waist and the flare was the amount of room it gave us. This was especially helpful because our school was located across the street from three pizzerias, a candy store, an ice cream shop and several other eateries.

The Bis skirt also fit well over pajamas and the great thing about an all-girls school is that you can just roll out of bed without a care in the world. At the height of the scrunchie (at the very top of the head), we had it made. So the Bis wasn't all bad, but for those craving a departure from conformity, puff paints came along at the perfect time. So did rhinestones. We learned how to bedazzle the Bis before the Bedazzler was invented.

Although we should have been viewed as young fashionistas, no one really wanted to copy our look. The other schools referred to our "shuffle," the walk that identified all of us (especially on the way to the pizza stores), and short skirts were all the rage at the time.

"Malki, Malki" my principal once called in my direction. When it became clear after a few Malkis that Malki wasn't answering, I turned around to look. "Oh Shira, I thought you were Malki for a minute," she said. Since Malki had flaming red hair and mine was a dark blonde, I shrugged and said "It must've been the skirt!" The principal called my mother later that day to tell her how hysterically funny I was, but it simply was fact. The Stepford skirt had turned us all into shuffling she-bots and we all were all starting to look like one another.

By the time college rolled around, I was happy to banish (or burn) my former uniform, but in time, I came to realize that I liked the look of a long skirt in the right slender, shape-skimming silhouette. And with the proper top, whether a tunic or a T. A long skirt could be flattering and one didn't need to shuffle.

Because of my complicated history with the cousin of today's popular "Maxi,"a design made popular by designers like Max Azria, I am conscious today to pair long skirts with the right mix of "funk" for an element of 2011/2012. Still, I have to remember to take it as a compliment when I run into Rena -- who I haven't seen since '92 -- and she says "You look EXACTLY like you did back in high school!"

My Golden Mean

2011-09-23T14:10:00.000-07:00

Growing up, I couldn’t help mixing the notion of being more religious with being a better person. Every Rosh Hashanah, I prayed that God would forgive me for the skirt that was too short, the gum that I probably should not have chewed and the gelatinous marshmallow I once snuck, for talking in the back of the synagogue with my friends and other “transgressions”…The Rosh Hashanah following my 25th birthday, I really asked myself this question for the first time: “How does God really judge us?”

It was a good question and one that recapped a very confusing year of my life. For 24 years I had been an observant, modern orthodox Jew, always questioning yet accepting that not all my questions would be answered in a way that was clear to me. I was content in my tight-knit community until I felt the community turn on me. At 25, I had met a 30 year old lawyer and my friends in the orthodox Jewish community of upper west side Manhattan did not approve of the match, or the fact that he had previously dated someone else in our circle. My synagogue became an unsettling place and I was the recipient of many dirty looks. I stopped going.

When I had first started dating the charming lawyer, I knew he was trouble and literally a “bad boy” but he was hilarious, captivating, intelligent and cultured in a way that the other boys I was meeting were not. Totally under his spell, we began spending a lot of time together. I knew he wasn’t Mr. Right with his inexplicable outbursts from time to time (i.e. getting enraged that I had confused Flushing and Forrest Hills) but I was definitely stuck in the Right Now. I also felt trapped: I did not have my old upper west side “community” of friends to go back to. Although this new boyfriend was Jewish, he wasn’t at all religious, and slowly, I began to wonder how much I cared about being orthodox, how much of what I had done I believed and how much had to do with routine.

But I was lonely. I had been a part of something for so long and now, it seemed I was out in the world with doubts and no place to go. I found comfort with my family but I was scared to tell them all that I was questioning. I remembered something that I had learned in school about what the Jewish philosopher Maimonides said: The ideal is the Shvil Hazahav, The Golden Mean or optimal middle path. He said that when it comes to character traits, extreme is never the way to go. Growing up as a modern orthodox Jew, my friends and family always referred to people who were “to the left,” “to the right” or “in the middle,” but each person had a different definition of those categories. They were entirely subjective. Maimonides said you needed to be in the middle and that too was open to interpretation.

With mere weeks to go before Rosh Hashanah, I thought about my relationship with the lawyer, my relationship with the community, and my relationship with God. In my own mind, I was now bordering on Agnostic and for me personally, that was too far “to the left.” I needed to get to My Golden Mean. It wouldn’t be where I had started; Gone was the complacency to accept without question. It also wouldn’t be where I had recently found myself – completely lost.

I decided to sign up for a spiritual retreat where mainly Jews who are looking to become orthodox go. I was a rarity there being an FFB – a Frum (Yiddish for “orthodox”) From Birth – but I went for one reason: to see the beauty in Jewish people, orthodox and non-orthodox alike. I went to see the fire, the passion that I remembered had inspired me in the past, and that had excited me so much about the Jewish people.

And I saw it there. I also learned…and learned. I met orthodox rabbis who embraced Jews of many walks of life, rabbis who didn’t scoff or undermine questions about liberal issues, rabbis who had clear answers to the very questions I had deemed unanswerable. And I met Jews who were eclectic, open-minded and warm, Jews who were straight and Jews who were gay. Everyone was embraced on this retreat. Like me, everybody on this retreat was longing…for a community.

When I got back, the lawyer continued treating me badly but I strengthened my resolve to break up with him. I was not trapped and I did not have to go back to the group that had snubbed me. There were other observant Jewish people that I could associate with who were warm like girls I had known in high school. There were observant Jews, “Landsmen” who had helped me find Shabbat meals in foreign countries. There were observant Jews - perfect strangers - who had embraced me and welcomed me into their homes. There were others who had taken an interest in me and had set me up on dates. There was so much more that my community had to offer, more than cliquey women in a synagogue who didn’t know me but had decided to hate based on hearsay.

I broke up with the boyfriend and remembered something else that I had heard about The Golden Mean: Sometimes you have to hit the opposite extreme in order to reach the middle.

Had I reached “the opposite extreme?”

Well, it was subjective, but for me, yes, I had. In the back of my mind I had always believed in God, but for the past year, I had been out of touch. As I thought about the concept of Teshuva (repentence), an intrinsic part of Rosh Hashana and the high holidays, I knew what I had to do. I gradually began to pray - not the traditional prayers of the religious Jewish people, but prayers said in my own words. It was strange for me as I had always prayed in Hebrew (and truth be told, hadn’t always understood all of what I was saying). Just like I didn’t necessarily believe that He wore a yarmulke (I had always pictured George Burns laughing down on me), I didn’t think he would not accept my prayers because they were in English. I turned to this God for strength and guidance as I slowly returned to my community and made new friends.

He's Just Not That Into...Your God

2011-09-01T08:08:00.000-07:00

It took only 3 words for my friend Karen* to lose her breath, plunging into serious hyperventilation mode.

“I don’t know,” said Jeff*.

Her extremities began to tingle. “What…do…you…mean…YOU…DON’T…KNOW?”

“I don’t think I can go through with the conversion,” he said, squarely looking her in the eye. For a flicker of a moment, she thought she heard the word “conversation,” but there it was: the weightier C word.

Two years earlier, Karen and Jeff, both in their late 20s, had met through work acquaintances. The attraction was instantaneous as was their connection. To Karen, who had been raised in a modern orthodox Jewish home, her religion was an absolute. To Jeff, it was a part of Karen, who he loved. He began to fervently explore her religion and truly became interested in studying the Torah. He began to know many of the laws and texts better than Karen did from her years in religious schools. However, as all who are familiar with orthodox Jewish conversions can attest to, the process is deliberately a difficult one.

“Becoming part of the Jewish people is a serious matter,” says Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, MS, LCPC and Certified Imago Relationship Therapist. Rabbi Slatkin, AKA “The Relationship Rabbi,” www.therelationshiprabbi.com, spends his days counseling couples.

“Even for those who are born Jewish, it is a life-long endeavor learning how to live as a Jew. The conversion process is deliberately difficult because we need to make sure that the prospective convert is sincere about this complete transformation.”
Slatkin explains that a convert is considered like a newborn baby, born anew and with a new soul. “We want to make sure that a prospective convert understands this and realizes that they can remain a non-Jew and still merit the world to come if they live a righteous life. Becoming a Jew is an awesome responsibility and we want to make sure that they are prepared for this.”

Jeff sat down to learn several times a week with a rabbi. Several times a week his intentions were questioned by members of Karen’s community. And several times a week, Jeff’s shell cracked a little, then a little bit more. His work schedule began to be affected and his relationship suddenly seemed to require more effort – He was regularly defending his zeal for Judaism – it seemed – to Karen's and her parents’ acquaintances. Since Karen wasn’t one of those girls who regularly raved about her own religious beliefs, a drop of doubt fell for Jeff. The drop became a rivulet.

“Interfaith relationships, as well as relationships in which one is more passionate about the same religion than the other [i.e. one is Orthodox Jewish, the other is Jewish but not at all religious], are extremely complicated,” says Dr. Fran Walfish, child and family psychotherapist and author of The Self-Aware Parent. “[Those types of relationships] need careful exploration and discussion prior to marriage and children. A detailed dialogue about how each one wants to raise their future children should take place early in the relationship. Both individuals need to be close to center, rather than polarized or extreme in their religious practices and beliefs. If one is to the right, then many complex challenges arise that include where the kids will go to school, will they be baptized or Bar Mizvahed, how to celebrate Holidays, attendance at Church or Synagogue - not to mention in-laws and extended family pressures.”

Dr. Walfish goes on to say that “All this said, I have treated couples in which both were close to center at the onset of the relationship. After marriage, when a baby was born, one in a couple that I was counseling became more attached to her religion. She enrolled her child in a Catholic school behind her Jewish husband's back and against earlier commitment to public education for their kids. Although the husband could eventually forgive her, no one could sway the wife to return to her earlier, middle of the road commitment. It was a deal-breaker for the marriage that sadly ended in divorce.”

Rabbi Slatkin, who sees many Jewish couples in his practice, says that even though these couples are not interfaith, the religious disparity can be enough to cause major tensions. He does not recommend that people initially get involved in a relationship where one person is orthodox, for example, and the other is not. There are enough religious issues that can arise with orthodox couples alone, he explains, “especially where one is more ‘into it’ than the other. To get into a situation that will add another layer of conflict would not be wise. Keeping a kosher home, Shabbos, the laws of family purity, sending to Jewish day schools, at a minimum is a major lifestyle difference. If one person is not interested in these things, it will be very challenging.”

Rabbi Slatkin adds that this is not to say it can’t be done, but that to enter into a relationship with these types of issues from the start is precarious. “I do not believe in forcing people to change as it only leads to resentment,” he says, “If one gets married thinking the other will change or be OK with things, it won't happen. When we fall in love, we say a lot of things. Once we get married and the inevitable power struggle arises, these issues may become a bone of contention.” For those already in relationships of this sort, Rabbi Slatkin says that it is possible for the relationships to work if both are committed to open discussions and learning how to understand one another. “I don't advise looking for such a relationship in the first place,” he adds.

Karen and Jeff are not together today. After much heartache, a few breakups and attempts to reunite, they both found new partners and moved on. But, did they really? When I speak to Karen, who no longer speaks to Jeff, but stayed in touch with him for several years after their breakup, she says that a part of her will always love Jeff...

and a part of Jeff will always love Judaism...

(* Only these names have been changed)

The Girl Who Played With An Imaginary Rope

2011-08-24T20:06:00.000-07:00

There once was a girl who played with an imaginary rope. Her first grade teachers thought it odd and did not know what to do. The girl had been singled out the year before, in kindergarten, when she was sent first for testing. The tests involved pictures and mazes. The girl would always remember the feeling of being singled out, the look in her teacher's eyes and the meaningful way the teacher said SHE must go first, the feeling that she had done something wrong because there was something wrong with her. The reason she now played with an imaginary rope was actually quite simple. She was practicing jump rope, but no one knew her secret, that she was determined to play as well as everyone else, that she needed to be as good as they were. The teachers could not understand why the girl had to work harder than everyone else or why she seemed so frustrated. The girl felt "stupid" and became focused on fixing all the things she was bad at. She never realized she might be "good at" anything until one day she wrote a poem and won a contest. Then, a few years later, in seventh grade, she came in second place in the class spelling bee. An administrator encouraged her to write. It was then that she realized she might not be "all dumb" after all.

Dr. Ernst VanBergeijk picks up on the first ring. He is the Associate Dean and Executive Director at NYIT and he has conducted extensive research on learning disabilities. He also heads NYIT's Vocational Independence Program (VIP), which enables students with significant learning disabilities to maximize their potential for independence. I want to find out what happened in the 1970s and 1980s, I explain to Dr. V., were children more rampantly termed "Learning Disabled" during that time period? Was there a need to identify - to label - students who were slower learners? Were there many that were misunderstood and misdiagnosed?

Later that evening, my friends meet me for sushi and they want to know why I'm fixated on the 70s and 80s. My mind goes to my medical records, to the neurological tests that were given to determined why I had "attention lapses," especially when faced with complicated subject matter. I also recall a discussion I had with my seventh grade math tutor "Lots of kids were mislabeled and misdiagnosed as learning disabled in the 70s and 80s," she had said, "You can't be sure you really have a 'learning disability.' But I was the girl who played with the imaginary rope.

Dr. VanBergeijk is one of several experts I will speak with as I trudge down a twisty and thorny "memory lane." In examining the history of labeling students, I am examining my own. I was born only one year before Public Law 94-142 was passed and with any law, it takes a while for adherents and those implementing the law to perfect it. I think of myself as having been part of the Guinea Pig Generation. PL 94-142, also known as the Education for All Handicapped Children Act (later renamed IDEA, Individuals with Disabilities Education Act), was established to aid states in protecting the rights and meeting the needs of children with disabilities. This law gave rise to "special education" and children previously deemed "unteachable" could no longer be denied a free education. While this was a major step for those in need of special ed, the question became: which students qualified for it? In order to place a child in a special education class, there needed to be a diagnosis. As VanBergeijk explains it, you can't just put students in special classes without special reasoning. So, I ask him if this led to an influx of kids being "diagnosed" in the late 70s and 80s, kids who would be in regular classrooms today with support from a resource room or tutors to supplement "regular" classroom instruction.

I share a bit of my story. I took "regular" classes in a Jewish day school and was placed in lower tracks. I received some resource room aid and tutoring, having been diagnosed at 5 with an "attention focusing problem." (Today, we call this ADD minus the H). I would later become accustomed to hyper-focusing,perfecting admirable study skills and I would go on to receive stellar grades in high school and college. However, I would never forget the more formative years of my education. I tell Dr. V. how I started really feeling "smart" as opposed to "dumb" in 4th grade, but I always had to work extra hard, studying over weekends and late at night. It seemed back then that I was pigeonholed despite my progress and "stuck" in the lowest track until I went to a new school, a high school miles away. There, I suddenly found myself in the more advanced classes. In elementary school, my math grades had pulled me down so much that none of the teachers recognized my progress in other areas. While I enjoyed creative writing, my sixth grade Language Arts teacher crushed a few dreams for me when she split us up into writing groups, having peers review each other's writing. Because I was not among the popular set, I didn't fare well in that group. The teacher told me to toughen my skin and learn to handle critiques without explanations from my popular peers (i.e. "Your story sucked.").

VanBergeijk says he can not stress enough how educators need to "teach to the strength" of the student. Teachers need to empower students with confidence rather than creating an environment of "learned helplessness" by placing the majority of the emphasis on "weaknesses" and "fixing problems." When I speak to numerous individuals who had elementary school experiences like my own, we remember how teachers honed in on our weakness rather than on our strengths, how they looked the other way when we expressed frustration or observed us wryly on the recess playgrounds. We all have a few things in common: We became fixated on fixing what was "wrong" with us. The majority of us discovered our hidden talents in our teens - or 20s! We all had "aha" moments. Aha, I can write. Aha, I can manage a company that trains people for the workplace and gives them tools to succeed. Aha, I'm interested in law and politics and really have a penchant for it.

"You never forget what happened," says Donna Flagg, a book author (Surviving Dreaded Conversations) and Founder of the Krysalis Group, a job training firm that also specializes in empowering LD workers. Donna was made to feel like an oddball when she was younger due to learning difficulties that she would later discover stemmed from a form of dyslexia. I can't help but identify with Donna, who, like me, was born into a family of geniuses and struggled with the "what's wrong with ME?" and "how in the world did I come from this family?" questions that are rooted in insecurity. Donna went on to speak publicly and write about her past experiences (she also covers the workplace) and help pave the way for the next generation -what she hopes is a smoother way.

"There was one teacher who really believed in me and stated that she expected more from me when I was feeling turned off to school because of all I'd been through," Donna says, "Until that point, I had never heard those words from a teacher and it motivated me to succeed because I knew it was true."

I too had that one teacher who believed in me. I l considered poetry a form of catharsis at that time and not something to share with others, but she knew that I had a talent and she encouraged me to write and not worry about what people thought. Yes, she knew about my earlier psychological and intelligence tests and she wasn't going to let the diagnoses of "attention focusing problems" and "cognitive deficits in visual-spatial orientation" (I think I'm a whiz at mazes today, but that is the area that tripped me up on earlier testing) get in the way of talent, depth, introspection and possibility...

I speak with VanBergeijk and then later with Richard Horowitz, a former special education teacher and principal as well as author (Family Centered Parenting), about Rosenthal and Jacobson's Pygmalion Effect study (findings published in Psychological Reports, 1966, vol. 19). The focus of the study was on teacher expectations. Teachers administered a Test of General Ability (TOGA) to measure a student's IQ. After students completed the examinations, some were chosen randomly to be labeled as academic bloomers (what would now be termed "gifted" learners or "more advanced" learners), and their names were then given to their teachers (Spitz, 1999). At the end of the academic year, when the students were re-tested, those students considered advanced by their teachers showed a more significant increase in TOGA scores than students not thought to be bloomers. The conclusion was that teachers' expectations influence students' intellectual abilities, a conclusion that garnered widespread media coverage at that time.

Though facets of the study were later criticized and the research gave rise to numerous other studies, it would be proven time and again that teacher's expectations influence student performance.

The results of the Pygmalion Effect study were published right before the dawn of a new decade in education, the radical 1970s. Along with flower power came "measures of intelligence" that would later need to be fine-tuned. While the WISC-R was the IQ test of choice in 1980 - when I was in kindergarten - it would later be updated (we currently have the WISC-IV) to prevent significant discrepancy between verbal and performance IQ and intra-test variability (in scoring), identified flaws of the WISC-R.

When PL 94-142 was passed a year after my birth, 1975, there was a greater need to classify students than ever before, a "scramble" as Birnbaum puts it to qualify students for special education. VanBergeijk believes this may have led to over-labeling and mislabeling. Another reality of this time: We still had all different types of teachers in "regular" classrooms across the country, some with old- fashioned notions about students with learning difficulties. While many were opening their minds to a new way of teaching and dealing with their students, others were comfortably set in a more rigorous approach, trying to "fix" wrongs rather than - as VanBergeijk words it - "teaching to the strengths" of the child. While some would undergo sensitivity training in the 1980s, I don't have to tell you that sensitivity was not a prerequisite for teaching in numerous schools at the time.

Richard Horowitz remembers teaching special education classes in the 70s in a claustrophobic storage area of a school. It was inevitable that given those conditions, he encountered students who felt depressed - not only for being taken out of the "regular" classroom and separated from their peers, but for being sequestered to a dusty storage room. He felt tremendous compassion for them and it shaped him as a teacher. A combination of "Learned Helplessness," isolation from one's peers and a negative response to being labeled can contribute to depression, confirms Bruce Davis, Ph.D of the The Behavioral Health and Intellectual Disability Clinic at Vanderbilt University .

I consult with Dr. Barry Birnbaum, Special Education Specialization Coordinator at Walden University . He and I discuss how minority students in urban areas were treated at this time, particularly male students who were mislabeled as mentally retarded when today they might be termed "cognitively challenged." He explains that male minority students whose strengths went unrecognized were often placed in classes for (what was then called) "mental retardation" because educators did not know what to do with them. These students became frustrated and many dropped out of school.

Davis explains that the negative response to labeling is a contributing factor to other psychological problems. Students internalize the way that society responds and again, we have the Pygmalion effect, AKA the "self-fulfilling prophesy."

PL 94-142 didn't change everything initially (and as some educators contend, we still have a long way to go). While administrators and psychologists strive to stray from labeling and work to mainstream students from special ed to regular classrooms, others students are identified by their "shadows." Educational shadows are 1:1 adult aids (often trained in Psychology, Education, Behavior and Child Development ) who assist children with learning in the classroom as well as behavior in the classroom and peer socialization.

The good news, according to Birnbaum, is that we as a society are more sensitive to what the student feels and we realize that a student who may not be "getting it" in the classroom will "get" when they're being treated differently. In the 1980s, there were teachers who took part in "Sensitivity Training." Also, Howard Gardner (www.infed.org/thinkers/gardner.htm), a developmenta.l psychologist from Harvard, introduced his views in 1983 helping to broaden the general conception of intelligence among psychologists and educators..

Birnbaum points me to Gardner 's works and I head to Barnes and Nobles for a day of research: Gardner highlighted 9 types of intelligenc (Linguistic,Logical/Mathematical, Musical Rhythmic, Bodily/Kinesthetic, Spatial, Naturalist, Intrapersonal and Existential) and the crux of his work is also the crux of Vanderbeijk's: teaching to the strengths of the individual rather than to his or her weaknesses.

In 1995, Daniel Goleman would go on to publish the best-seller Emotional Intelligence: Why it Can Matter More than IQ. This was a book that piqued my personal interest back in the 90s when I read a review. For me, it was a period of intense reflection upon my elementary school years in an effort to "get over" the past. How could a kindergartener who knew exactly why her teacher was singling her out be "dumb?" I knew that I had never been, despite being made to feel that way. The argument that Goleman presented in his work was that intuition/self-awareness, altruism, personal motivation, empathy, and the ability to love and be loved by friends, partners, and family members are inclusive in what makes an individual successful. As someone who was always intuitive, I knew that there was more to me than the "strange" girl who played with an imaginary rope. Emotional intelligence can not be measured by standardized IQ testing and I think it was something that was greatly underestimated when I was young.

And in the 1980s, former LD-labeled kids would go on to use their firsthand experience to innovate and create new technologies and programs for kids with learning struggles. One such exemplary fellow was Don Johnston (www.donjohnston.com), who in 1980 would go on to own Don Johnston Incorporated, a company that offers over a dozen literacy programs and adaptive devices to break through common learning barriers. Thousands of U.S. school districts use Johnston 's award-winning programs Read:OutLoud (a text reader that delivers accessible instruction materials) and Co:Writer (a word prediction accommodation writing tool that improves literacy skills such as spelling, vocabulary and grammar).

Ben Shifrin is another example of someone who used negative experiences to make positive changes. Shifrin,a member of the Executive Board of Directors of the International Dyslexia Association and head of the Jemicy School in Owings Mills, MD, has made a life's work of "finding ways for bright students with language-based learning differences to succeed in academics and in life."

A dyslexic himself, Shifrin grew up with many of the same academic challenges that his students at Jemicy, a school for students with dyslexia and language-based learning differences, face. He is a nationally recognized expert on education, and speaks frequently on the topic of educating students with dyslexia. Shifrin says he was labeled "educable retarded" as a child when no one could identify his true learning difficulties.

"In the early 90s, researchers were able to prove that comprehension and decoding are two separate things. You can understand all the words on the page but not understand how to put it together." He explains that many dyslexics back in the 70s and 80s (following PL 94-142) scored high on intelligence tests so those kids didn't receive special education. As a result, they often floundered in the classroom, frustrating their teachers and their selves.

"It was not only 'learned helplessness,'" explains Shifrin, "There was no road map to get back in - You were put in this class, you didn't qualify for an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) and you were stuck. You felt it on the playground, you felt it socially...A lot can happen from the classroom."

Shifrin says we've made progress. There are various programs that are set up as sensitivity training in which teachers see things as if they are looking through the eyes of a dyslexic student. "At Jemiicy, we're involved in training Baltimore city teachers in reading methodology," he explains, "A school for children with dyslexia makes a huge difference because we have spent time learning and researching. We've learned from neuroscience about the way the brain works."

There is so much more information than the space of this article can accommodate, so forgive me readers for what I need to leave out for now. Perhaps the above is helpful in creating fantastic teachers today, but the debates (especially in light of "No Child Left Behind" and arguments surrounding standardized testing) rage on regarding how to assess, quantify and qualify intelligence, especially when it comes to students who don't have obvious disabilities. While it may be a question of "in special ed or the 'regular' classroom?" for an educator, a label can lead to learned helplessness, the Pygmalion Effect, depression, anxiety, behavioral issues...and more. Labels affect our children.

Natascha Santos, a certified school psychologist and doctoral candidate who is writing a dissertation on disproportionality in special education, says "historically, there were inappropriate assessment practices that would mislabel children." She provides me with several studies, including some that link learning disability labels to depression and anxiety. One study, Depression Among Students with Learning Disabilities: Assessing the Risk (Maag and Reid,2006) shows that students with LD had significantly higher depression scores than students without LD. And it is no wonder when there is another study showing that children with LD have a negative concept of their abilities/academic skills compared to peers without LD (Gans, Kenny, & Ghany,2003).

The role of the teacher has transformed from the decade of my birth (the 70s) to today. Whereas many teachers chose to "butt out" of peer to peer socialization and stick with their lesson plans, today more and more are paying attention on the playground. "I don't break from my job at recess," one teacher told me. "I watch everything that goes on and I have eyes in the back of my head for what I can't see in front of me."

Statistics regarding socialization among different types of learners also dictate that teachers better pay attention: 70 percent of children with learning disabilities report having "major difficulty with peers," when only 15 percent of LD students experience "major difficulty" (Rick Lavoie, 2007).

Aside from depression, there is anger. "All children want to be liked and accepted by their peers and to fit in with the 'others,'" says former special education teacher Jennifer Little, Ph.D. of www.parentsteachkids.com. "This means achieving and doing like the others. Children who don't learn like the others or aren't accepted are frustrated. Because they are children, their communications skills are limited and they aren't aware of their emotions, much less how to properly express those emotions..Anger results." This anger can lead to problems on the playground. When Little taught, she was focused on building up the self-esteem of her students. She explains that kids with learning disabilities are of normal and above intelligence. "They know [intuitively] that they are as smart or smarter than the others in their classes," she explains, further evidence of why it is so frustrating for them when they're treated differently on a social level, and another indication of the importance of how teachers treat them.

As Rick Lavoie writes in this article http://www.ldonline.org/article/Helping_the_Socially_Isolated_Child_Make_Friends:"By demonstrating that you enjoy a child's company and that you genuinely like her, you greatly increase her "social stock" among her peers and often cause her classmates to reexamine their feelings about the rejected child."

Back in 1980, my kindergarten teacher talked down to me. She spotlighted me as someone different in the classroom - and I don't mean "different" in a good way. There is no doubt that the other students noticed this treatment. I wish it had stopped there, but I can remember other teachers over the years (like the 5th grade ogre who ripped up my homework sheet - because of poor penmanship - in front of the entire class as they watched me turn red). Of course, my peers probably responded to the teacher's treatment of me because they were aware of which kids were "smart" and which kids were "dumb." It was on that basis that cliques formed.

For a long time I was angry at teachers, then for a brief period I considered becoming one (to right any wrongs, make things better for the future generation). I went into the field of marketing and writing instead and later, I became a mother. My older children have teachers today. I learned to wipe the slate clean when I saw that many do things differently. However, I'm still critical of the teachers who seem to embody old fashioned notions.

"When the kids ask me what reading group they're in, 'Am I in the highest? Am I in the lowest?' I tell them 'You're in a group that's right for you,'" said my son's second grade teacher. I decided she is among the best in the world. "No one knows what level they're in and they stop asking." I won't tell you which reading group my son was in, but I will say that he was confident in his reading abilities. He was also extremely happy in her class. Knowing that elementary school memories can stay with you for life, I'm hopeful that his experience can be repeated.

VERBAL BULLYING: Bullyproof Your Child for Academic Success

2011-08-09T07:21:00.000-07:00

Did you know that 30 percent of students in grades 6-10 are affected by bullying and as a result, won't score as well as they should this coming school year?

"Bullying can lead students to feel so anxious and terrorized by their tormentors that school becomes near-impossible to handle and studies too difficult to concentrate on," says Caryn Sabes Hacker, ACSW, DCSW, a psychotherapist who specializes in bullying and authored A Bully Grows Up: Erik Meets the Wizard. She adds that an estimated 160,000 children miss school every day due to fear of attack by bullies.

A parable for victims and bullies alike, A Bully Grows Up skillfully documents the adventurous tale of a 10 year old's journey and transformation within a magical land of bullies, dragons and wizards, using specific educational and therapeutic techniques to create inner healing, change and insight in the reader.

"The fear of a bully is so gripping that there is no way it would not affect school performance," adds Jacqueline LoBosco, Ph.D., co-author of How to Ace the SAT without Losing Your Cool. "Students need to be armed with personal development strategies, relaxation and deep breathing exercises and ways to replace negative thoughts so they become 'enlightened warriors.' They come in feeling so defeated and powerless to succeed in school when words like 'loser' or 'nerd' are insensitively tossed their way."

It goes without saying that bullying is a hot topic in the media and has been for some time now. With anti-bullying laws and popular social networking sites establishing anti-bullying security features, the public is spotlighting an age-old playground problem brought to light by the Internet's surge of "Cyber Bullies." While both physical and verbal bullying are prevalent on school grounds, verbal bullying is most common and it is something that I personally was subjected to as a child. It can get really bad and I decided to speak to experts specifically about verbal bullying.

As the start of a new school year approaches, here is what the experts say parents can do to bully-proof their children for academic success. Again, keep in mind that these tips ONLY pertain to verbal bullying and that physical bullying needs to be dealt with on a more critical level:

Remind your child that bullies don't really want to hurt them, says Sabes Hacker, they want to make themselves feel better (there is probably something going on in the bully's own life that is bothering the bully and causing him/her to act aggressively).

Tell your child to keep their voice even when speaking with the bully, she adds. The bully will thrive on getting them upset and the most important thing that they can do is to keep their cool.

Tell your child to use eye contact when addressing the bully -- This shows that they are not afraid to speak with the bully and it levels the playing field.

Emphasize that it's important never to beg or plead -- The bully may act like they have power, but they usually act out of insecurity, so it's important not to give them the power that they seek.

Along the same lines, stress the importance of never giving in to a bully's demands or agreeing under pressure.

Have your child recognize the bully's tendency to charm people while he undermines them.

Help your child practice his/her responses so they feel prepared, confident and equipped to deal with the bully.

Suggest to your child that he/she keep a diary -- This will prove therapeutic for your child and it will also give him/her a chance to recap the day's events and evaluate how to deal with the bully going forward.

Teach your child to breathe consciously and deliberately, says LoBosco,a neuropsychologist who has worked extensively with anxious test-takers. Final exams, projects, end of year reports all take a toll on students' stress levels. Very often, when individuals become anxious and tense, their breathing becomes constricted, so a few deep, grounding breaths will radically temper anxiety.

Use the powerful process of visualization or meditation, she adds. Both have positive healthful benefits, and have been shown to lower blood pressure and well as levels of stress hormones in the body. Teach your child to visualize positive outcomes to stressful situations in and out of the classroom before they occur. When confronted with negative circumstances, students are more prepared to take the steps to reach a more positive outcome.

Take the time to develop a healthy and supportive relationship with your child. When the child knows that they can turn to their parents for support, encouragement and positive feedback, they tend to feel more capable of achieving goals and of constructively overcoming obstacles that stand in their way. In turn, they may apply themselves and focus their energies more on schoolwork rather than their social environment.

Parents should project confidence and not fear to their children. LoBosco says to keep in mind that children often absorb the energy of their parents. If parents are stressed or anxious, or express anger frequently or in inappropriate ways, there is more likelihood that the child will too. Parents who check their own "emotional thermometer," says LoBosco, and take steps to create a neutral and supportive environment are maximizing the child's chances of staying calm and grounded as well as interacting with others in healthy ways.

The bottom line? Verbal bullying causes more anxiety in kids than one might imagine and definitely takes a toll on academic performance. Take your child's complaints seriously and ask yourself "Is he/she in a bully's bulls-eye?" Also, make a joint effort to take care of the problem. Instill him or her with the confidence needed to succeed because that's A-plus parenting!

Eating to Fit Your Genes

2011-06-14T05:46:00.000-07:00

A few years ago, a client introduced me to the wife of a doctor who was interested in PR and marketing for her husband's nutritional supplement line. These were not vitamins with Centrum-like quality or availability: One would have to first see a doctor, undergo a DNA (blood) test and then a customized regimen would be designed by the Dr. for that individual on the basis of his/her results - which showed anything from minor deficiencies to genetic pre-dispositions. I ended up working with the doctor's wife for several months in which we secured several press interviews for the MDs involved with the company. Through our work, we also discovered that the notion of Nutrigenomics appeared to be too cutting edge for some major national media.

Where are the peer reviewed studies? I was asked by an editor at the Associated Press. At the time, Nutrigenomics' peer-reviewed studies were ongoing (they may still be) and the results were not yet published in full. But eating to fit your genes, rather than focusing on your jeans, was a topic that began to get some serious buzz about a year after I finished working with this client. GQ ran an article as did Elle Magazine and the word "Nutrigenomics" began to crop up all over the Internet.

Several companies were born, like the much talked about 23AndMe - With these companies, you obtain a DNA sample kit that you mail back to the company (often with the DNA in a simple cheek swab, with others you go to a doctor for a blood test) and your results are analyzed, your regimen is developed as well as a list of lifestyle recommendations (Dos, Don'ts and Musts, dietary and exercise).

Rather than pyramids and food plates, individually customized nutrition would seem the way to go,and it might have caught on more widely back in 2007, when I first heard of it, were it not for the costs involved. Unsurprisingly, health care plans do not cover Nutrigenomics and to send away for a DNA testing kit from 23andMe back in '07 cost $1000 (it then went down to $399 and in an effort to aid their genetic research into certain specific conditions, 23AndMe offered a $99 special recently provided you fill out certain questions in a form).

Another reason Nutrigenomics may not be in your lexicon: wary members of the media. The fact that the FTC has recurrently been conducting investigations of some "personalized diet plans" companies is definitely a huge impediment to the credibility of this very new field. The newness of Nutrigenomics is an impediment in and of itself. Acceptable peer-reviewed research is in demand and it's what the Associated Press and other major news outlets would want to see and review in depth for themselves.

And then there's you - Would you take a DNA test? Skeptics say that with any diet and exercise, you're bound to lose weight, whether or not it's genetic-specific. Possibly, those same skeptics are of the mindset "What I don't know won't hurt me." It's scary to delve into your DNA and discover that you're not as healthy as you might have assumed. One woman who I spoke with was shocked to find out that she was low in certain nutrients and possibly at risk for several of the genetic diseases that one of these nutrigenomics companies tests for. Are you prepared to handle that?

And, if you've read The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot, you may know that there is a possibility that your DNA sample will be saved and used for future research - Are you OK with that? Well, when you sign up for a Nutrigenomics plan, read the fine print which protects you if you make it a priority to be informed.

We may not be ready for Nutrigenomics at this point in time, when the field is too cutting edge, seemingly "futuristic" or science fiction-like and not available at a reasonable cost (or covered by health insurance) to the consumer. But it's very possible that one day, doctors will customize a regimen on the basis of an extensive blood test (or maybe just a cheek swab!) and each person will be handed their very own blueprints on how to live their life.

(Photo Source: http://healthy-aging.advanceweb.com/SharedResources/Images/2009/062209/EatingForYourGenes.jpg)

Dr. Phil talks with me for The Huffington Post about bullying, anti-bullying awareness

2011-06-13T07:31:00.000-07:00

He’s roused millions to “Get Real!” and has tackled the topic on his hit TV talk show - Dr. Phil made time to chat with me (! and I was excited, the interview also appears on Huffington Post) about bullying and answer some questions:

Jill Zarin suggests that a parent break into their kid's Twitter and Facebook accounts regularly to monitor and be on the lookout for signs of bullying.

In your expert opinion, how invasive should a parent be and what they should they do to keep an eye out for bullying?

There are different ways for a parent to be actively involved. Parents have to educate themselves about the warning signs (check out Dr. Phil’s warning signs of bullying: http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/574).

They need to know for both sides: what the signs are that their child is being bullied or if their child is a bully.

Kids don’t often come home and tell their parents they’re being bullied because they’re ashamed. They may show signs of withdrawal. They may want to avoid going to school beyond the normal “I don’t want to go to school” and exhibit a chronic pattern. If you see bruises, scratches or that some of their possessions have been damaged or missing, those are all warning signs. They may also start to show signs of depression, crying, aggression, mood changes and lifestyle changes if they’re being bullied.

In terms of whether your child is a bully, watch to see if there’s a really strong clique. Are they gossiping about someone or making fun of them? Are they excluding some child in some way? Telling jokes about or laughing at a particular child? Exploiting some other child in some way?

Before invading their privacy, determine whether or not the warning signs are there. Then you need to follow your instincts – A child’s trust is earned. As far as social networking sites (like Twitter and Facebook), those are fertile ground for bullying. Your kid is going to have more knowledge than you do about the Internet, but not the insight on how to deal with it.

When a child/teen first complains of being bullied in school, what are the key first steps a parent/adult should take?

The first thing a parent needs to do is make sure they don’t fall victim to “Hey, kids are kids, let them be kids.” - That’s not true. When a child is bullied it’s one of the loneliest times in his or her life. The most important for parent to do is sit with the child and talk with them and find out what’s going on. If the child says “Oh Mom, don’t say anything. That will just make it worse,” know it’s not true. The child should know that telling is not tattling – Let your child know that telling someone in a position to help the facts that they need to know to help is the right thing to do. In terms of how the child handles bullies on his or her own, it’s a case by case scenario. The biggest mistake parents make is telling kids “You just need to confront the bully.” Bullies specifically choose kids that can’t do that. You can advise them to stay with a friend, not be alone, to not place themselves in situations where they’re sure to get bullied (like hanging out in a spot where the bully typically hangs out). The next thing is to get the school involved. Teachers and administrators don’t get into education for the money - They get into it because they care what they’re doing. They don’t want your child to be victimized. They’re on your side. Ask for their help and alert the teachers involved. Ask for the adults in the school to watch and intervene and become your eyes and ears.

What can schools across the country due to prevent and tackle the bullying problem?

I am very passionate about this issue and I need to emphasize this: We need to amend the secondary and elementary education act to include funding and language that specifically refers to bullying and online bullying. Until we put our money where our mouth is, this problem isn’t going to get better. We have to do this across the board and it is absolutely doable. This is something that needs to be funded and we need to make sure all the schools are not only required, but actively engaged in anti-bullying efforts.

Lady Gaga has recently discussed being bullied as has Anne Hathaway, Eva Mendes, Tim Gunn and other celebrities. How important are famous voices with regard to anti-bullying awareness?

They are necessary but not sufficient. When folks that young people look up to take a strong position that it’s not cool to bully it has a positive affect. I think it’s terrific but it’s got to go further than that and that’s what I mean about having it as part of the curriculum in schools.

(Photo Credit: CBS Television Distribution / Robert Trachtenberg)

“It Gets Better” Isn’t Getting Old: Famous Voices Bolster the Message

2011-06-13T07:25:00.000-07:00

“Getting picked on in school sticks with you for life.”

Those were Lady Gaga’s words during a May 23rd appearance on The View, but they could have been mine. They could have been yours. Heartbreakingly, they could be your child’s, which is why, says Jill Zarin of Bravo’s Real Housewives of New York City, it is crucial we communicate with our kids.

“Closed doors aren’t allowed,” says Zarin, who is a mother and stepmother. She tells me I “must Google Gaga” and just like that – like she does with Kelly, Sonya, Luann, Cindy, Alex and (even) Ramona – she’s giving me advice. Later on, I will research Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta (AKA Gaga) at length to discover that through music lyrics and interviews she has opened up about bullying in her past.

“You have to be involved today,” Zarin stresses, “You have to break into your children’s Facebook and Twitter. As long as they’re living in your house – it doesn’t matter what other people say. My heart broke for Gaga. What she said really hit a nerve because I saw myself in her and I saw…it was real.”

Thirteen year old Sara Edelman says that the message seems more powerful coming from Gaga because “She’s big and people idolize her. It helps much more to hear from someone that we look up to than the average person, to know that someone that successful has been through it and come out the way that she has.” Gabriella Hagler, 12, agrees that a video with a message about bullying from an internationally renowned pop star holds more sway than one from, say,…me.

Dr. Phil, who has covered the topic of bullying on several episodes of his hit TV talk show, tells me “Celebrity voices are necessary but not sufficient. When folks that young people look up to take a strong position that it’s not cool to bully, it has a positive affect. I think it’s terrific, but it’s got to go much further and be part of the curriculum in schools.” (See next post for more on bullying from Dr. Phil).

Michael Blumberg, LCPC, who has recently counseled bullies and bully victims alike in the Chicago suburbs, is not surprised by young Sara Edelman’s words. “Celebrities are idealized and appear to have it all,” he explains, “so when they discuss being bullied we realize the scope and severity of the problem and are able to identify and connect with them.”

Back on The View, Gaga talks about how her lyrics, like those of “Born this way,” aim to liberate fans. "They said I had a big nose, I had buck teeth. I got thrown in the trash can on the corner... I don't think I realized how deeply it affected me until I started to become more successful.”

Zarin tells me that like Gaga, she too was bullied during her youth. In fact, in her 2010 book Secrets of a Jewish Mother (co-authored by her mom Gloria Kamen and her sister Lisa Wexler), a chapter is entirely devoted to the subject of bullying.

“I sent a message to Gaga after hearing those words,” she tells me, “I reached out to her and said ‘If you face your bullies today, invite them to your concert. If you face them, then it’s nothing.’”

Zarin still has nightmares from those days, but in recent years, former tormentors have gotten in touch. “They don’t remember bullying me,” she marvels. And that’s a curious thing about bullies, I think (remembering when I met up with my own former bully), often they forget...?

Comedienne and writer Gaby Dunn decided to Google her bully out of curiosity. What she discovered surprised her. “Part of me was honestly hoping to find out she’d died in a horrible turbine accident, but no dice,” she writes on her blog http://gabydunn.com/post/4846238625/mybully.

“She’s an advocate for children with disabilities. She works with autism foundations. She ran a tennis camp for disadvantaged kids.

I’m having a hard time understanding what I’m feeling.

She was my bully. And now she’s a good person?”

When we speak by phone, Dunn says she wonders if her bully remembers things differently - or if she’s a better person because she remembers how awful she was.

“Bullies may not remember the incidents as clearly, if at all,” says Blumberg, “Because they are not the ones experiencing the trauma of being attacked.”

For the most part, Zarin says, she’s over that trauma. But like Gaga, she will never forget the experiences – experiences that have empowered her with the life skills she has today and have enabled her to deal with the “ganging up” we see on Housewives.

“It’s not ‘bullying,’” she clarifies when I ask about the mean girl antics we see on TV, “People use that term too lightly. We have a choice if we want to be on the show or not and if we need to, we can leave.” Blumberg disagrees however, saying that bullying takes on different forms from childhood to adulthood and that a reality show can mean a source of income that’s not easy to leave.

Zarin feels that parents need to identify exactly how dire the situation is and do whatever is necessary. “First, it is crucial to help your child by teaching them the skills to cope,” she says, “‘Helicopter Parenting,’ where you say ‘you’re the best’ constantly; doesn’t teach children how to handle adversity. What do they do and how do they handle the world when they get older? Part of growing up is learning how to figure this stuff out. And if you, the parent, are having a hard time with that, therapy is an option to consider.”

Her experiences as well as her passion for “It Gets Better,” support of the “No Hate” campaign and GLAAD and the plight of her step-daughter Jennifer Zarin all inspired an anti-bullying luncheon seen on May 19th’s Housewives. At the event, Jennifer, 31, spoke about being bullied due to a large facial birthmark and hemangioma. Her words (“Sometimes I went to bed wishing I wouldn’t wake up”) touched many of the estimated 2.3 million RHONY viewers. After the episode aired, the Anti Defamation League asked Jennifer to be a keynote speaker at some of their upcoming events for A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE® Institute, http://www.adl.org/education/edu_awod/awod_classroom.asp.

Jennifer tells me she first started discussing bullying and offering support through her Facebook page “The Birthmark Project.” She recently launched a blog as well, www.thebirthmarkproject.com.

“Public speaking is a big fear for people,” Jennifer admits of the Housewives luncheon, “but when there’s something that’s really important to me, it doesn’t matter. I use that anxiety to make the speech more powerful.”

On her blog she writes that although she has a physical birthmark, she also uses the word ‘birthmark’ as a metaphor. “I've learned that what once made us the target of bullies or insecure (or both) also has a lot to teach us about life,” she writes.

We know the old adage “What does not kill us makes us stronger” and as she turns 31, Jennifer is incredibly thankful to be alive. She says that past experiences have taught her “the importance of making meaningful contributions in the world, taking risks and rising to healthy challenges.”

As a parent, I feel we have to crack down on this problem in our schools, help raise awareness among fellow parents, amongst teachers and administrators, and anyone who can intervene in some way.

Melanie Notkin, Founder of SavvyAuntie.com and author of Savvy Auntie: The Ultimate Guide for Cool Aunts, Great-Aunts, Godmothers and All Women Who Love Kids, confirms that one need not be a parent to intervene.

“Sometimes, a kid will turn to his aunt or uncle when bullied if the child feels a parent may 'over-react,'” she says. “They want a well-meaning adult to listen, but they may not want the issue to have immediate repercussions on their already teetering social profile at school. An aunt or uncle can be a strong alternative - Every child would do best knowing there are many caring grown-ups to turn to.”
We can learn from schools that have been training and using “anti-bullying mentors” to provide support to those who need, and, according to the UK-based Driffield School (www.driffieldschool.net), “promote good citizenship and inclusion across the whole school.”

In the U.S., there’s Urbana Middle School in Frederick County, Maryland, to look up to, which has a nationally recognized anti-bullying program requiring adults in the school to intervene when bullying occurs. Students there are reminded during monthly class meetings about the effects of bullying and taught how to put a stop to mean behavior.

Some leaders have grumbled that implementing anti-bullying programs in schools is complicated, time consuming and costly (see this article on anti-bullying programs and federal budget woes http://www.youthtoday.org/view_article.cfm?article_id=4809) but for goodness sake, let’s put our heads together and figure it out!
Despite criticisms that I’ve heard, there’s nothing wrong with famous folks - from celebrities to “Bravolebrities” - using their star power for anti-bullying awareness. While Jill Zarin’s luncheon elicited many a wry comment from critical bloggers, it also caught their attention. Notably, it caught the attention of the ADL.

We keep hearing that it gets better, but we have a long way to go and there is definitely strength in numbers. So when it comes to famous people voicing the message, the more, the merrier.

(Photo Source: New York Magazine online, www.nymag.com)

Rapt by the Rapture: Thoughts on Reponses to Religious Figures

2011-05-26T10:11:00.000-07:00

It was the end of the world as we knew it...I feel fine. Well, that's not completely true. I haven't been feeling so fine lately about the powers that religious leaders seem to hold over individuals. I'm not just talking about Harold Camping - I'm thinking of others that are spoken of as mystical or prophetic or are placed on a ridiculously high pedestal because of their connection to God - a connection that seems much closer than our own. I really wanted to know what types of individuals were so rapt by the rapture and what Howard Camping had to say, so I spoke with a Christian Pastor, a best-selling Christian author and a hypnotist with a Masters in Religion.

The pastor, Chris Williamson of Tower Bible Church in Franklin Tenessee, explains that we are all God's sheep but in the case of Rapturegate 2011 "sheep" was taken to the extreme. While he maintains that Christians want to believe, he feels Camping's followers were despondent individuals who really wanted to believe so hard and so much that they clung to every word of a false prophet without paying close attention to scripture. Pastor Williamson reminds me that in biblical times, punishment for false prophecy was stoning.

"I tell my congregants 'when somebody picks a date that's usually not the date.'" He cites Mark 13:32 where it says that Jesus taught no one the day or hour of his return, including himself. "But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father," the passage reads.

"God holds us accountable as teachers for how we instruct people," Pastor Williams emphasizes, "As a preacher, I don't have more access to God than anyone else - we are all priests of God. I think that the people who believed in what Harold had to say and spent their lives savings...they felt he had a more direct line of communication than they have. There are no modern day prophets that can speak some message on behalf of God."

When I interview Dillon Burroughs, author of Undefending Christianity: Embracing Truth Without Having All the Answers (www.readdb.com), he says that Christians are looking for the return of Christ and while the majority remain realistic, it is a certain type of personality - "the same type that would believe in conspiracy theories" - that becomes so hopeful it's difficult not to cling to the notion that it could finally happen and imminently (especially seeing as how passages in Genesis and Peter were cited and a mathematical formula was presented - albeit one that was later revised by Camping who corrected his math! Don't worry Harold, we all make mistakes. It's not the end of the world!).

I remember walking around Queens College in 1994 and hearing then that the world was coming to an end. Unsurprisingly, it was what everyone was joking about on campus and it was also, unbeknownst to me, coming from Camping's camp! When I reached for a second bagel in the cafeteria I made some half-hearted remark about not having to regret the calories the next day if the prediction indeed came true.

Both Dillon Burroughs and Pastor Williamson stress that it is important to note the pattern here and we all wonder how many of Camping's followers had researched his history of similar proclamations. They also both emphasize that when one claims to study the bible, that individual should be taking all passages into account when interpreting it.

I consult with Jess Marion, a Philadelphia-based hypnotist who holds a Masters in Religion (www.hypnosisphilly.com), to get her take. "Why did some people give up everything?" I want to know, "Why did a woman attempt to kill her children and then herself? Why did a man jump off a building?"

Marion says that when reading through Harold Camping's Family Radio website days before the impending apocalypse, it become painfully clear to her that his ministry knowingly or unknowingly utilized many of the key linguistic and psychological elements of highly effective influence. "His followers were not low in intelligence nor were they necessarily crazy," she says, "Instead they were strategically manipulated into believing Camping's message."

"This type of influence happened at multiple levels," Marion goes on to explain, "First Camping was appealing to a very particular type of Christian who would have openly accepted the prophetic authority of a pastor. This is tied into a theology that is founded on the concept of gifts from the Spirit. For certain Evangelical and Pentecostal Christians, religious authority is bestowed on particular individuals by God through the Holy Spirit. These individuals will exhibit special abilities including the ability to conduct faith healing or advanced knowledge of scriptures." Marion says that Camping would have fallen into the latter category.

Camping utilized very effective strategies to get his message out. When reading through his web site (prior to the failed apocalypse), one would have found a very seemingly logical explanation for why his message was correct. Digging a bit deeper however it becomes clear that he was appealing to pseudo logic. This is a method of connecting ideas which in reality have little to no connection but through certain linguist maneuvers they appear closely linked. If one was not on the look out for this it would have slipped by completely unnoticed.

Next, she says, Camping appealed to authority. Linking his claims to Bible scriptures gave the message that much more strength in the minds of potential believers. "For Camping the Bible is both the source and confirmation of his calculations," she explains "Tied into this also was Camping's unwavering frame - the absolute consistency in message. If Camping did not truly believe his own message some of his doubts would have leaked through in either his verbal or non verbal communication. The fact that this did not happen shows that he either truly believed the message or he is a psychopath. In communication and influence, the one who holds the stronger frame is the one who influences the others."

Essentially, Camping's message turned into overt manipulation through the elicitation of a fear response in the potential believer. "The actual description of the post rapture world was something out of a horror film," says Marion, "Not only would those of us left behind have to contend with earthquakes but also famines, plagues, violence, and the millions of dead bodies ejected from the ground. After presenting this, he very deftly offers the solutions, claim your salvation through participating in the message he was preaching.

All of this would not have been enough for most people to jump on board with the rapture message. There are also a number of psychological factors at play for individual believers. For some the threat of being left out of Gods salvation plan would have been intense enough to push them into believing. For others it would have been the drive to feel special, to be one of the elect who are better than and separate from the rest of humanity. Finally there are those who find the trials of everyday life so difficult to cope with that they reach out to these types of ministries with the hope of escaping their current situations."

In order for a doomsday prophecy to take hold it requires not just one of these elements but all of them to some extent. According to Marion, "Camping's example is just one in a long list of failed predictions that relied on faith, manipulation, and psychology to rake in millions of dollars while leaving thousands of people empty after the date passed without a Judgement Day."

To a much lesser extent, I have personally seen how certain learned individuals are respected and some (dare I say it) even seem somewhat revered. I have seen individuals rely on superstitions to allay fears. I have seen how we too become sheep (and quite sheepish) in the presence of someone who offers a confident argument with citations included, how we follow without feeling totally secure. I expect some of my atheist friends to comment in the section below about how much less complicated it is without religion. I expect someone to write "if you doubt, why do?" Or "how can you call yourself religious when you question?" The list of potential comments is endless, but I think that people have to remember the importance of doubt and skepticism -they are not dirty words or forbidden thoughts - for belief. As the writer Isaac Bashevis Singer once wrote "Doubt is part of all religion. All the religious thinkers were doubters." And Voltaire put it this way: "Doubt is not a pleasant condition but certainty is an absurd one.”

The Fixation on Exfoliation

2011-05-10T05:49:00.000-07:00

I’m pretty sure Clara Bow didn’t know much about exfoliating in the 1920s, but it’s the word on every makeup artist’s glossy lips. Exfoliate. Exfoliate. Exfoliate. It’s a tip that won’t stop being talked up and if you’re makeup isn’t sticking or your moisturizing isn’t seeping, “exfoliation” probably isn’t in your lexicon.

An aesthetician recently told me that if I too didn’t exfoliate, all the potions in the world wouldn’t work their magic. She elaborated that my kids’ Johnson’s Baby Wash wasn’t going to cut it. It’s off to the store I go for something with little beads that feel like sand and a sponge attached to the bottle. When did washing one’s face get so complicated?

I once heard that Joan Crawford used a bucket of ice each morning to get her skin to be that perfect palette for studio makeup artists. If photographs don't lie, she did have good skin, but I’m wondering: did she exfoliate?

Between eye serums, eye creams, facial serums and moisturizers, primers for the face, primers for the lids of the eyes, vitamin infusions, clay masks, Dead Sea masks and Crème De La Mer, seriously, who has the time – and money - for more?

But apparently, you must exfoliate, or all of your efforts are for naught.

So maybe the best place to start, if you are an exfoliation virgin, is with a “natural remedy.” On my quest for the perfect exfoliant (exfoliator?), I came across the following recommendation by numerous folks dedicated to kitchen cabinet skincare solutions:

Combine two tablespoons of honey and 2 teaspoons of sea salt, massage tenderly into clean skin for a minute or two. Rinse off the facial scrub with warm water, then finish with a splash of ice cold water to close your pores.

Apparently, Honey is a natural antioxidant and is used in many professional skin care products. It will also keep your skin sterile during the exfoliation process as its antibacterial properties will kill off any bacteria. The coarse texture of the sea salt scrub does the job of sloughing off the dead skin. Sea salt is also a main ingredient in many high-end skincare and exfoliating products because of its ability to stimulate new skin cell growth. It is important not to scrub too long or too hard in the same area as this will only aggravate the skin.

The instructions say it is best to gently exfoliate three to four times a week and gradually advance to a daily routine to allow your skin to adapt.

Maybe Clara Bow did this at home?

A Game of Hot Potato

2011-05-10T03:07:00.001-07:00

While my blog lay dormant these past few weeks, a frenetic game of hot potato ensued; I was busy juggling the daily tasks in my life.

Each day, I manage my PR workload, research items for my next big article (and simultaneously, for "The Great American" novel that I some day hope to publish). I am also the tender shepperd of my flock, a house - a home - and children, children's friends. My husband is self-sufficient but there is time spent with him and quality time to catch up on our days and figure out next steps (which clothing to lay out for the kids, who will get up in the middle of the night if the babies wake, our taxes...). Before sleep sets in, Bravo television gets a nod (or two, if Andy Cohen is on) and before I know it, I'm setting my internal alarm clock and hoping that it does not fail me so I can work for an hour before the kids wake up the next morning. I also like to get up ahead of the children so that I can write out an organized schedule that I will abide to for that day. However, organization is not my forte and if I could hire a secretary and a personal organizer, I would.

I went to an industrial organizational psychologist once to discuss my lack of organization: "I'm embarrassed," I told him. When he asked why that was the sentiment I expressed over being disorganized, I explained "Well, there's the me who I am, but there is definitely the me who I can be. I know that I can get from point A to point B and be supremely organized. It is embarrassing to me that I'm not achieving my full potential." The psychologist diagnosed me with Performance Anxiety and Attention Deficit Disorder. He asked if I wanted to try Ritalin or some type of stimulant as an experiment, suggesting it might also be some form of ADD. But judging by the way I am fully able to focus on a task once I'm immersed and committed, I've discounted the ADD theory and chalked it all up to performance anxiety or more specifically: "There's so much to get done today, how will I do it all?" anxiety.

The worry can overtake the work, but I am learning that the game of hot potato has got to be seamless and uninterrupted by anxious ruminations. One just has to keep going, to keep juggling, to stay unruffled and on course.

I'm getting quite skilled at this game of hot potato, and I'm glad to be back behind my computer, my attention (and there is enough of it to go around, I remind myself) focused on my blog.

It's good to be back!

"What About My Special Needs Child?"

2011-04-13T12:25:00.000-07:00

Just as I was losing my faith in humanity (see prior posts), I met folks from the non-profit, volunteer-based Kids of Courage (www.kidsoc.org). It was a transfusion of sorts for me, a shot to the cerebellum ushering in the realization that selfless people still exist in a class above the rest. Kids of Courage, a Jewish "make a wish on steroids" according to its founder Stuart Ditchek, MD, was established to provide year round trips for kids with special physical and medical needs. The organization simultaneously focuses on respite care for the families - families that care for kids with special needs 24/7 and rarely get downtime or a date night. I was telling one of my friends about Kids of Courage, how they had taken 140 kids on a trip to Orlando on a chartered flight fully equipped with medical devices and personnel: "It is incredible what they're able to do for kids with special needs and their families and it is all volunteer-based," I remarked. My friend, whose teen suffers from OCD, agreed that the organization and its staff seemed impressive beyond a doubt, but, she sighed "What about my special needs child?"

Mental illness is something that we often overlook as a "special need," but there's a need for more offerings within the Jewish community for kids and teens who suffer from anxiety, depression, OCD and other mental illnesses.

Kids of Courage gives kids with special needs the opportunity to socialize with one another and my friend says that is what her own Orthodox Jewish teen is lacking, a social system that is simultaneously supportive. It may be time to give "special needs" a larger umbrella. There is a stigma that still exists with regard to mental illness (i.e. "If I admit my child suffers from this, will he/she find a shidduch?") and a tentativeness about reaching out to a potentially moody or agressive child or adolescent. Kids of Courage is comprised of confident and brave leaders, so I know there are other such leaders out there to launch an initiative. This is something that we need to think about and that being said: I welcome your thoughts on this subject.

Adult Bullying: Does it Really "Get Better"?

2011-04-10T04:30:00.000-07:00

By now we're all familiar with Dan Savage's "It Gets Better Project" and the videos that inspire and give hope to young men and women who have been bullied or attacked for being different. Although these videos are mainly geared toward those who have been taunted and harrassed for their sexual orientations, other victims of bullying can take solace from the core message. That message? You will grow up, it will get better, this is a phase - a very bad phase, but it won't go on forever and life will improve, so hang in there.

But recently I've spoken with victims of adult bullying: A man in his 30s who has received hateful messages about his sexual orientation from members of the religious community in which he grew up, a woman in her early 40s whose neighbor started a smear campaign against her and her husband, a couple and their children maligned by neighborhood kids jealous of their children, a Rabbi the subject of lies when eforts to assist a congregant backfired...

I had my own experience with threats and mudslinging attacks for a factual and balanced article I wrote on a subject that my detractors did not want broached. To see adults revert to childlike behavior makes one reasses what "It gets better" actually means.

When I ask the friend in his 30s if it has indeed gotten better despite a recent online bullying incident attacking his homosexuality, he says, "I have more allies than enemies, so yes, most people have been incredible. In that way, it did get better (than when I was first perceived as being different - as a teen)." He explains that he's had a lifetime to toughen his skin, so mainly, it gets better, "from within."

Bullies can still be just as bad as they were when we were teens. At times, they can be much worse. But the world is bigger than the classroom and we can gravitate towards the people we like and trust. Time doesn't necessarily heal all wounds but with the passage of it comes a thicker, harder and stronger skin of resillience. You can't put your faith in the world around you to "get better," it's all about creating a new world for yourself and working from the inside on out.

As Harvey Firestone, the American industrialist founder of Firestone Tire & Rubber Company, once said “Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself.”

Best Seder in the USA (The Passover Song)

2011-04-04T17:04:00.000-07:00

**I work with NJOP, helping to promote their initiatives** and I thought my readers would enjoy this. Let me know your thoughts!

Pass Over, but not Through: Braking for the Holiday "Checkpoint"

2011-04-03T08:48:00.000-07:00

The Jewish concepts of repentance and forgiveness always stand out in my mind. They have been ingrained in me since the most formative years of my religious education. Jews are urged not to bear grudges and encouraged to be introspective when it comes to our own prior actions. So why do we so often forget this until right before the time period of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, when repentance and soul searching is emphasized? We all know that saying sorry and trying to make wrongs right should be an all-year-round theme.

When I was growing up, children would approach one another in school during the days leading up to Rosh Hashanah, just as we were coming out of the classrooms where teachers had taught that actions are examined and weighed by God, that it was a time when personal fate hung in the balance. "Will you forgive me?" children would ask of one another. If the person asking had done no harm to you that you were aware of, you could now assume that they had gossiped about you behind your back - or something to that effect. But no matter, it was a time to forgive and forget. Que Sera, Sera and C'est La Vie. We can now begin again with the advent of a new Jewish year.

The question I always have is: Why do we wait til we're right down to the wire? We're not cramming for final exams, we're (supposed to be) transforming our entire modus operandi to become better individuals. Isn't this something that should be taking place all year round?

If it's too cumbersome a daily task, why not make it a priority before every Jewish holiday? There are enough of those (Jewish holidays, that is) to go around, though not as many as days of the week. Perhaps there should be "checkpoints" for each and every one of us, a stop sign that you can't simply roll through.

As Passover approaches, I pause and reflect: I am sorry to those who I offended, to those who I didn't truly forgive before but who I do now, I'm sorry for playing devil's advocate or unwittingly "playing both sides," or for writing something you hated (though I can't guarantee it won't happen again), and I'm sorry self for not thoroughly considering the consequences of my own actions(that's correct, why shouldn't I apologize to myself if I've felt let down by me?). And I'm sorry if you feel that I'm preaching to you through this post - that's not my intention.

As for forgiveness, I will make every effort to let go of the old grudges, the ones that I have been unable to let go of and some of the new ones that have hit the road blocks of my obstinacy, mostly due to sensing that someone else is not sorry...I digress - for it not time to stew and boil (except when it comes to vegetable stew, London broil or whatever your holiday dish).

On Passover, we remember that we were once slaves and now we're free. This may be the first such checkpoint at which to stop and say: Am I really free? Have I freed myself from "that squabble," from ignoring my neighbor or my cousin's cousin? Am I allowing another person to live freely when I sit in judgement of them and make it known? Am I allowing another person to be free when I gossip about them and make them self-conscious?

I propose that we do things differently this year: Why wait until Rosh Hashanah to mark a checkpoint?

Stop, ensure the coast is clear, then drive.

Somewhere Between a "Shiny Happy People" & "Losing My Religion"

2011-03-30T12:07:00.000-07:00

I will admit that the references above are somewhat outdated. The group REM is from the 1990's, but those were two of the more popular songs of the decade that I enjoy. And that is how I describe myself when someone asks where I stand religiously, somewhere between a "shiny happy people" and "losing my religion."

There has been a lot that transpired in recent weeks to make me ashamed of a religious group that I once considered myself to be a part of. I have to remind myself to separate the people from the faith. Faith is propelled by meaningful rituals steeped in ancient history and laden with a rich tradition. For the true believers, that tradition is like a hearty stew one craves at the end of a long (hungry) day. There are different levels of belief and for some there is no belief. We either believe based on what we are taught and what we have come to feel passionate about or we reject it, not always all of it, sometimes only parts. There are aspects of my religion that I strongly cling to with that belief and other notions that I question.

But what I always have to remind myself is that a people is not a faith. There are people who are kind and there are others who are nasty. Some will gossip on mere speculation and others will approach you to firm up facts. In either case, if you were to base your religious choices on people alone, you would become very confused, and if negative experiences were to propel you, eventually you would not only settle on atheism but reclusiveness. Try to remember the people of your religion who truly embrace it and who you admire, and then think of your own connection to your God or higher power.

For now, to reference another classic, I'm 'keepin' the faith'!

Jewish School Tuition Crisis: Parents Feeling ‘Priced Out’ Of Their Religion

2011-03-17T06:31:00.000-07:00

She did not intend to become the heretic of the checkout line. But as she watches her food bill skyrocket, Deborah feels compelled to make snarky remarks. “Why bother eating Kosher?” she asks those behind her. The patrons tut-tut in agreement and discuss how expensive kosher food has become, and on top of the “tuition crisis” - the exorbitant expense of Jewish day schools - how can anyone afford to shop in Glatt markets? But the reality is: the price of Kosher is the least of it.

“For the record, most items with a kosher certification are not more expensive,” says Menachem Lubinsky, an authority on the kosher food industry, CEO of Lubicom Consulting and Founder of Kosherfest, “What are more costly are the specifically produced kosher foods that require extra kosher certification, particularly in meat and dairy. Prices may be 10%-20% higher than non-kosher items.” He adds that despite higher fuel and commodity prices in recent times, costs of most kosher ethnic foods have either stayed the same or gone up by no more than 3% - 5%.

Lubinsky’s information confirms that the cost of kosher food is nothing when compared to the exorbitance of Jewish day school tuition.

Deborah is a young mother who is paying 16,000 per year for one of her children to attend a Jewish day school. She asked that I change her name for this article because, as she phrases it, she feels “priced out” of her religion. However, she’s determined to figure out this problem because she loves Judaism, she is spiritually connected to every facet of her modern orthodox lifestyle, and she should not have to feel this way about costs.

When I ask a tuition-paying friend of mine if she feels stressed by religion, she replies “I don’t feel stressed. As a matter of fact, religion is my oasis from stress. The cost of Jewish day school is not a product of our religion, rather a malady of sorts that we as a community need to work together to cure. The Torah tells us that for every illness, the cure is already provided - we just need to work together to find it.”

Rabbi Saul Zucker of the Orthodox Union (www.ou.org) explains that "the average price of Jewish day school tuition for grades K-12 is 15,000 per year (as compared to the average Catholic school tuition of $3,383 according to NCEA, http://www.ncea.org/news/annualdatareport.asp). For four children that would mean 60,000 per year post taxes, which indicates that one would have to earn approximately 200,000 dollars per year (the top 3% of earners in this country) just to support their children’s education."

Zucker says that Jewish day schools aim to provide the very best possible education, with fine arts curricula, the newest in technology, stellar guidance counseling services, after school programming and other “frills,” but that the model is “unsustainable” in the long run. That is why many are seeking other solutions.

Recently, the Shalom Academy, a Hebrew-immersion charter school, was approved for Englewood and Teaneck, NJ. Some Jewish day school parents have decided that a Hebrew language and culture education(despite it not being a Jewish education) is a great secondary option, and have enrolled their children (who were admitted through a lottery) in SACS for this coming September. Others are outraged that their friends would opt for a ‘non-Jewish’ education, and despite struggling with tuition themselves, they are keeping their kids in yeshiva. Many of them also wonder if they’ll ever be able to retire.

And that’s only elementary school.

“If you think you’re getting off at only 18k per kid with four kids in high school, I have some baaad news for you,” says my friend Josh Lipowsky, a former Assistant Editor at The Jewish Standard, “One high school that I looked at had a base tuition of more than 22 grand and after all the building fees and the annual dinner fee, it is well over 25k. The application fee alone is about $800. We’re talking about New Jersey. Manhattan is a whole other story.” In fact, Manhattan Jewish high schools cost significantly more. One in particular, known for its stellar academic and extracurricular provisions, costs over $30,000.

“Unlike the public schools, the day schools have to raise the majority of their money, Lipowsky explains, “There is very little available from the state - a few hundred per student for nurses and books, but that's about it. As for the higher costs, it actually costs - according to Agudah NJ - less to educate a day school student than a public school student, but day school parents get the double whammy of paying for both Jewish and secular studies. Starting in the 1970s, day schools began competing not only with each other but with public schools. In order to attract top teachers, they had to offer comparable salaries and benefits. In order to keep students, they had to start offering other services that the public schools offer - art, music, clubs. And they also had to keep up with the latest in technology in order to compete. You can look at schools with price tags half of other elementary schools but they have fewer services. They don't have the same number of guidance counselors or music teachers and rely on parental volunteers for special things to keep costs down.”

A number of Jewish day schools offer scholarships to families below the middle income bracket, largely based on one’s tax returns. Those scholarships are often difficult to obtain and involve a lengthy approval process. It is a wonderful option for those who qualify, but not without risk to the recipients, who report feeling singled out and scrutinized by the rigorous and ongoing investigative process to determine worthiness.

One mother told me that she is always eager to volunteer her time to the school and goes above and beyond to do so, but she once received a letter that strongly advised her, “as a scholarship recipient,” to man the help desk at an event. Word quickly spread throughout the parent body about the tone of the letter. “The letter was very specifically addressed to scholarship families,” she laments, “but someone blabbed, and once the event rolled around, those of us volunteering felt like ‘Hey, see us behind the desk? We’re the scholarship families.’ I didn’t really want to be outed in this manner to other parents. Don’t get me wrong - I love to help the school. I just didn’t love being singled out as the ‘poor woman.’”

“I didn’t grow up around here,” one father of Jewish day school children told me, “I feel it's New York and New Jersey that are so expensive.”

But those from the tri-state-area are certainly not the only ones feeling the crunch. Naomi Sandberg of Silver Spring, MD breaks it down for me: “40,000 for 2 kids in Jewish day school, 5,000+ for 2 kids in Jewish day camp (who can afford sleep away camp?), 1,000+ synagogue dues, the high price of kosher food, the high price of housing in ‘Jewish neighborhoods,’ Passover food, Purim baskets, High Holiday seats, 500 for school or synagogue banquet, donations to school, synagogue and mikveh, no vacations- who could afford to pay for one even if one has the time off, no home improvements- except for critical maintenance.”

When I pose the question “Why don’t you just send your kids to public school?” Sandberg says “Day school education immerses kids in Jewish tradition, culture, history and literature. Our kids need to learn not just what we do as Jews- kashrut, shabbat, mitzvot- they need to learn why. A good day school education integrates Jewish values and history throughout the curriculum. In P.E., students should be learning the importance of physical fitness, sports skills and good sportsmanship – being a mensch! When studying American History, they need to be looking at what was going on in the American Jewish community as well.”

Yitzi Flynn, who I found through the 200K Chump Blog (www.200kchump.blogspot.com) where all sorts of gripes about North Jersey yeshiva tuition are expressed, switched his son from a religious day school to a local public school. He says that his son, who was having difficulty with the fundamentals in reading and comprehension at his former day school, is now thriving in public school. In fact, he recently made honor roll. "The backbone of religiousity and the majority of who the child is comes from the home," Flynn says, explaining that his son prays in the mornings, eats completely kosher, and that teachers and friends' parents bend over backwards to accomodate his religious needs (i.e. kosher food at birthday parties).

"200K Chump," who would not reveal his identity via email, says that he started his blog "to give the thousands of families struggling to pay Yeshiva tuition in Bergen County an outlet to come and discuss how the tuition crisis is affecting their lives and to search for real solutions and alternatives to the overpriced legacy yeshiva institutions." He explains that he is an average day school parent paying full tuition and he "got fed-up with the silly band-aid solutions that people in town would talk about which - even if they were successful - would do nothing to lower the cost of tuition and at best would slow the tuition increases." When one administrator told him that despite tuition being unaffordable to the masses, there were no plans to ever lower it, and the best he could hope for was that tuition increases wouldn't outpace the overall rate of inflation, he "knew that we needed to search for real and radical alternatives to these institutions." That is when he began to blog.

"As far as reaction, it has been a mixed bag. I have been contacted by so many wonderful supporters who applaud me for my efforts and back me and the blog 100%. However, I also have been threatened, chastised, and called every name in the book. I have been compared to such people as Hitler, Stalin and others." Chump has brought the words "Jewish day school tuition" to the blogosphere in a big way. If you simply input that phrase into google today, his blog and the many reactions (ranging from supportive to skeptical) to his posts are what you'll see first. Many members of the North Jersey orthodox Jewish community who I spoke with admitted to "hating to admit" that they read his blog. Some of those active in initiatives to combat the crisis are avid readers as well.

In addition to the Orthodox Union, organizations like UJA Federation and Yeshiva University say they are committed to figuring out a solution to the “tuition crisis.” Also, smaller non-profits have formed and are partnering with these larger institutions to help the Jewish day schools. Rabbi Shmuel Goldin of Cong. Ahavath Torah in Englewood, NJ founded Jewish Education for Generations (JEFG): “We regularly have representatives of eight local North Jersey Jewish day schools meet, review budgets and try to figure out how to get things under control,” he explains.

One of the first things JEFG did was establish NNJ Kids (Northern New Jersey Kehillot Investing in Jewish Day Schools), a communal fund that raises money for local yeshiva day schools.

“We set up a fund to which anyone and everyone from all the synagogues can contribute to offset tuition needs,” Goldin explains, “The money is distributed to the schools for the purpose of scholarship funds and it is spread responsibly. The ‘tuition crisis’ is a problem that will last past the recession and this fund is something we should have begun working on years ago. Individuals have contributed since we begun, but even one million dollars (which sounds like a lot) is a drop in the bucket to tackle this problem.”

He says that JEFG is in the process of creating another fund, similar to an endowment, in which money will be raised for the middle income bracket of people who can not get scholarships but are struggling with tuition payments.

Rabbi Goldin calls the tuition situation “overwhelming.”

Rabbi Zucker says “there is no magic bullet.”

Both know there is a long way to go, a lot of work to be done and are committed to ensuring that kids stay in Jewish schools.

For her part, Deborah will be sending her older child to Shalom Academy come September, though she is nervous about the social changes involved in switching from a yeshiva to a charter – not just for her child, who has friends in yeshiva, but for her as she is friendly with their parents. She plans to supplement the Hebrew education her child will receive with daily after-school tutoring in Judaic studies. Socially, the route she has chosen is the ‘road less traveled by’ in her community. “I’m tired of complaining,” she says, “Hopefully, this will make all the difference.”

(Photo courtesy of The Independent, www.independent.co.uk)

How One Survivor of Terrorism is Giving Back

2011-03-15T09:15:00.000-07:00

Sarri Singer will never forget that horrific moment of silence. To this day, when a glass drops, she’s reflexively brought back to that moment, to what she describes as a “silence of death all around.”

On June 11, 2003, the daughter of NJ state senator Robert Singer, then 29, was on Bus 14 in Jerusalem when an 18 year old suicide bomber boarded. Minutes later, 16 people were killed and over 100 people were injured, including Sarri, who could not fully open her eyes to see the casualties around her. She screamed and a man from blocks away, not a paramedic or an EMT, but a civilian, brought her to safety. “Israelis instinctively know to help everybody,” she says, “whereas our instincts are to immediately dial 911, he just ran over and jumped right into action.” After being rescued from the carnage, Sarri was hospitalized for 2 weeks and she says “I’m happy with my injuries, I’m lucky” referring to a minor loss of hearing in one ear and resulting shrapnel in parts of her body that are not removable.

Sarri had never imagined she would find herself in a hospital bed, the survivor of a terrorist bombing. Until 9/11, she had worked as the Director of Recruitment for National Conference of Synagogue Youth (NCSY) summer programs, just two blocks from the World Trade Center. After walking the streets and seeing the destruction, observing tourists snapping photos and feeling a desperate need to do something, Sari resigned from her position and moved to Israel to help victims of terror. She coordinated bone marrow drives for organizations that help terror victims such as Gift of Life, and worked with organizations including KEDMA, Kids4Kids, The Koby Mandell Foundation, and the One Family Fund.

Then, on her way to meet a friend that fateful day in June, Sarri boarded Bus 14 and her life changed forever. She would return to Israel after convalescing at her parents’ home in Lakewood, NJ because she wasn’t going to show fear and let the terrorists win. Israel was where she felt her heart belonged. She loved the land and she loved the people.

“I went back to Israel in Sept 2003 after the attack because I wanted to be there,” she explains, “I didn’t want that 18 year old who boarded that bus to hurt and murder innocent people to make me afraid. Terrorism is about making us afraid and paralyzing us and I didn’t want to be the victim that the terrorist wanted.”

She worked as an administrator in a school until medical issues forced her to return to the United States.

In April 2006, Sarri co-founded One Heart (www.oneheartglobal.org) with Jacob Kimchy, an Israeli man who had lost his father to a suicide bomber and was left with no remains to bury and a resounding shock from the sudden loss that would last a lifetime for him and his family.

One Heart focuses on long term psychological care and plastic surgery for victims of terror world-wide. Sarri and Jacob address audiences throughout the United States, Canada and Israel and continue to share their insight into the ongoing struggle for victims of terror in Israel and around the world.

“The terrorist attack that happened in Israel this past Friday night to the Fogel family is something that has been very heavy on me since I heard about it,” Sarri says, stating her outrage at the minimal news coverage the massacre received. “Our organization does not work with families immediately after an attack,” she explains, “There are incredible organizations in Israel (like Navah, www.navah.org.il) as well as Betuach Leumi (national insurance) that work with families immediately after a terrorist attack and which are helping the Fogel family right now. Our organization works to bring survivors together - dealing with long term trauma and helping victims heal long-term.” Sarri notes how in Israel people don’t think twice about immediately assisting, giving of themselves, their money and their hearts.

Rami Levy is exemplary of this concept. He is the owner of one of the larger supermarket chains in Israel and comes over daily to the Fogel relatives’ shiva house in Itamar, Israel to stock the cupboards and refrigerators himself. When one of the relatives expressed appreciation recently, he said “You will get used to my face. I have committed myself that every week I will deliver food and stock your home until the youngest orphan turns 18 years old.”

People like Rami Levy are Sarri Singer’s inspiration. She says that just like the many incredible people who gave of themselves despite not knowing her, like those who visited her in the hospital (“Arab-Israeli politics do not exist in the hospital,” she explains, “I welcomed every guest with open arms”), we must keep “recognizing that we are all responsible for each other and that those directly impacted by terrorism, by injury, or the loss of a loved one deserve no less than our very best.”

On March 27- April 3, One Heart will bring a group of survivors of terrorism to New York City as part of its Mission of Healing and Peace – Young Ambassadors Program. The participants of this trip are between the ages of 14-18 and lost either a parent or immediate family member in a terrorist attack or were injured themselves. The teens hail from Northern Ireland, Spain, France, Israel and the United States.

Sarri says that in addition to meeting with community and political leaders (Congressman Anthony Weiner confirmed to One Heart he will attend), the teens will embark on a tour, visiting the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island, the Tribute Center, SONY Technology Labs, a museum, FAO Schwartz, NY Sky Ride and the Empire State Building. The trip aims to bring together those affected by terrorism in solidarity and to be able support and comfort one another.

“Restaurants, companies and individual donors have donated their resources to make this trip possible,” Sarri adds. “The goal is to ensure a week filled with exciting and fun activities combined with meetings with leaders in order to empower these children to take their personal experiences of trauma and share them with each other to bring about healing.”

For more information about how you can help Sarri Singer to give back and support those affected by terrorism, visit www.oneheartglobal.org.

A Celeb-Obsessed Culture Indulging Mental Illness?

2011-03-06T03:58:00.000-08:00

The people we know in real life who claim to have "Adonis DNA," get caught with their pants down and drug du jour in hand. Some go to jail. Others, lucky enough to escape the legal system, get dragged to a psychiatrist who immediately taps into their present state of mania. Attribute it to "Tiger Blood," but celebrity Charlie Sheen is at home and on a wild press tour, claiming to be cured sans credible intervention. He appears to embrace the fact that he doesn't sleep and pushes his body to the limit with exercise, saying he's in the best shape of his life. He makes no apologies and doesn't see any real regrets with regard to his most recent drug binge - or binges. Although, he is a danger to his own physiological and mental state, his friends (Sean Penn, Alex Jones and via Twitter, P. Diddy and Paris Hilton) have only encouraged him by stating he is "passionate"...and "brilliant."

The media and fans have provided the most encouragement towards the escalation of Sheen's mania. I just want to shout: "Charlie, you were hot in the 80s! You showed promise in the 90s when you talked about turning your life around! Please get some beauty sleep. See a psychiatrist, detox from all of the bad drugs and let doctors put you on a proper anti-depressant. Get some therapy - Let's deal with this possible bipolar disorder, with your bouts of mania, with your insomnia, with your "delusions of grandeur" and inflated sense of self, with your escapism, your addiction to hookers and porn stars and bodily harm."

The problem is that Twitter has only added more fuel to the fire, and the onslaught of requests for interviews, which finally appears to be dying down, has led to Charlie launching his own web cast this past Saturday night. The consolation is that viewership dwindled significantly from start to mid broadcast (150k to 90k viewers). This is a sign that our celeb-obsessed culture is finally getting sick of Charlie Sheen, "burning out" so to speak. It had to happen at some point.

And this just in: Charlie Sheen was fired from his sitcom Two and a Half Men. He had stated with confidence in several media interviews that the show was a shoe-in to come back, and that despite differences (and that word is an understatement), he and Chuck Lorre (AKA "Chaim Levine") would resume their professional - albeit strained personal - relationship shortly.

Perhaps, with the news that Charlie Sheen was fired from his hit show (a show that paid him 2 million dollars per episode), our culture will fully take note: Mental illness is not to be indulged. By saying "Charlie Sheen, you're fired," the network has effectively told fans that Sheen's recent behavior is not ok, narcisism is not admirable (it's mental illness) and drug use is not something to make light of.

Sheen can participate in all the 20/20 interviews, embark on all the Alex Jones and Howard Stern rants, and create an "All Sheen, All the Time" news network, but his ego does not need further amplification and Warner Bros will not promote said- amplification.

The statement that was released read: "After careful consideration, Warner Bros. Television has terminated Charlie Sheen's services on 'Two and a Half Men,' effective immediately."

The next statement should be: "Charlie, get help: Go to an authentic rehab facility, get proper psychiatric care and psychotropic medication, get healthy."

The actor is a grown man, but maybe as people start paying less and less attention, his ego will finally feel the pain that addiction has numbed for far too long.

And maybe, if that pain is strong enough (read: really strong), Sheen will really, truly and once and for all make the comeback of his lifetime.

Hopefully, Lindsay Lohan won't have to wait as long.

Charlie Sheen: Shades of Mel Gibson?

2011-02-25T07:10:00.000-08:00

Whether Charlie Sheen meant it or not, part of his latest radio rant could be taken as anti-Semitic. Blasting his bosses at CBS for placing Two and a Half Men on hiatus, Sheen makes reference to Chuck Lorre as 'Haim Levine.' Lorre was born Charles Levine.

As we all know, it is not uncommon for Jews in Hollywood to change their names (Danny Devito's real name is Dan Michaeli, pronounced Mee-chah-ay-lee), but the fact that Charlie calls Chuck 'Haim' in this instance shows the extent to which anger can be expressed. Charlie, did you really go there? The question is whether there will be much media outrage to the possibly anti-Semitic portion of Sheen's quote. Will the ADL say something? Will the Jews in Hollywood?

I would not be surprised if Charlie issues a backpedaling statement to the effect of "I have great admiration and respect for Jews. I am not anti-Semitic. Many of my best friends are Jewish...."

I've liked Charlie Sheen for years. Watching him since the 80s, I've found him to handsome, charismatic, humorous and fun. I was willing to forget about Heidi Fleiss and the first round of hookers, even the second round of hookers. I could put it all aside to simply enjoy his character on television and in movies. His recent antics, callous attitude towards sobering up and verbal indiscretions, have made him much harder to stomach. His latest calls in to radio programs have been nothing short of disturbing. I wouldn't be surprised if Sheen has taken the reigns with regard to self-promotion. I cannot imagine that his publicist, Stan Rosenfield, pre-approved the latest radio interviews - In case you're wondering, he's Jewish.

Bandwagon of the Battle Hymn

2011-02-21T15:54:00.000-08:00

If you don't already know it, the cool kids are writing about Amy Chua, author of the parenting manual - no, make that "memoir" - Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. Unless you've been hanging out on Saturn, you're familiar with the premise and the response, the outrage and the continual (and continual and continual..) backpedaling from Chua. (If you are in fact, the last person on this godforsaken earth to not know what I'm talking about: The book, be it a manual or a memoir, depicts Chua's authoritarian style of intense "Chinese" parenting versus the more relaxed, self-esteem building focused "Western" approach.)

In response to significant lambasting, Chua has hit the media circuit hard, with an overhead slam she hoped her daughter would hone, proving orchestra was worth dropping for tennis. Her claim is that the book was not a "how to," but a "lesson learned." No matter: Chua's PR team initially went for the most sensationalist of pitching angles. As a publicist, I would love to see the emails they crafted, specifically the one that caught the Wall Street Journal's eye as it was the first paper to turn Chua into the Choo Choo. Journalists immediately hopped on board the steam-loaded train, knowing that sensationalism sells and outrage ignites. Bloggers (guilty!) bemoaned it, reviewers ranted and talk show hosts tore it apart, but when asked "Did you read the book?" the average man and woman on the street paused and said "no," that an excerpt was enough to exhaust.

And speaking of "exhaust," have we not heard enough about Amy Chua? No, we can never get enough! Chua's book publisher's PR team (following?) worked the angles and the angles got further worked, until writers themselves got worked into the lather that is Amy Chua Chatter. We are all taking part in a new dance called the Chat-O'-Chua-Choo Choo. Just when we think we've heard enough, a new article is spun like cotton candy of the most delicious variety. We can't seem to turn away: Chua speaks here and Chua speaks there, and she humbles herself, claiming she was wrong, grimacing at her own passages... The train keeps chugging, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..." The question is "Can what?!"

And the destination? Uknown.

Bucking Stereotypes at the Bergen Mall (also published on Huffington Post)

2011-02-08T08:22:00.000-08:00

My sister and I often trade stories chronicling adventures and misadventures on our respective sides of the Hudson. On more than a few occasions, we've shared a similar sentiment spawned by our experiences: "Do I look Jewish?!" For my sister, it is the Syrian taxi driver who addresses her in Hebrew with the precise words for "good price." For me, it is the Israeli seller at Bergen Mall who proffers kosher vitamins and a "Jewish price" on Dead Sea salts. Although my sister is the proverbial city mouse to my country bumpkin, we agree on one thing: neither of us fits a profile other than "white female." Neither one of us looks particularly Jewish, if there is a particular "Jewish look." But for some reason, perfect strangers are hitting the nail on the head, or clipping a yarmulke to it.

My friend, a Jewish doctor, was seeing a patient who spotted his prominent proboscis: "The patient, assuming I wouldn't understand, laughingly asked my medical assistant in another language if I was Italian because of my sizeable nose," he says, "I quickly turned to her and asked, smiling, in a polite tone and in English, if she was a &^%#@ moron because she can't keep her stereotypes straight." Luckily, the patient didn't understand, but if you follow a nose, you may come up 2 fruit loops short of a pelican. (Incidentally, my nose is nothing to sneeze at nor is my sister's, Natalie Portman's, Winona Ryder's -- all Jewish -- but that's just a snotty aside.)

As I walk around the mall, I can't help but note the Snooki "poofs." I wonder if "Bump It" sales have skyrocketed since Jersey Shore committed its greatest "robbery" on TV and "T-shirt time." (For those who don't capeesh, it's Jersey Shore lingo I speak.)

So I too am guilty of stereotyping, but is it really a bad thing?

Psychologist Daniel Crosby says the word "stereotype" is value neutral. There are both positive and negative stereotypes. He says there is no doubt that we all do it. When people make decisions about other groups and other people, we run into a concept called "bounded rationality."

"'Bounded rationality' means that given the limitations (intellect, time, availability of data) we all deal with, we rely on 'heuristics' or cognitive shortcuts when making decisions," Crosby explains, "These shortcuts can be adaptive in that they allow us to get through the day without being paralyzed by indecision at not knowing all of the intricacies of a given decision. You make thousands of decisions each day, most of them fairly inconsequential and shortcuts help you get through the day. However, what becomes problematic is when we take shortcuts that lead us to over-generalize about people or cultures in negative ways."

Crosby and I (and many others) have noticed that the word "stereotype" is often confused with "prejudice." They are not the same. The former refers to a popular belief about specific groups or types of individuals, whereas the latter, according to Merriam-Webster, implies "an irrational attitude of hostility directed against an individual, a group, a race, or their supposed characteristics."

What can be done to avoid stereotypes? Little. What can be done to avoid prejudice? A lot. The mind will initially categorize, but the problem occurs when we don't take a step back and get to know an individual for what makes him or her unique.

In recent news about stereotypes, presenters of the BBC motoring show Top Gear are under fire for making anti-Mexican statements. In other-worldly news, coroners may stereotype when filling out death certificates, determining a victim's race through their cause of death.

Italian American comedian Frank Mooney tells me he gets annoyed at how "it is still okay in all forms of media and in the real world to automatically connect Italians with the mafia and depict them as criminals or low lifes from New Jersey." My love for Vinny, Ron, Pauly, Sammi, JWow and, of course, Snooki, is something he cannot comprehend. "I can't think of another ethnic stereotype that's remained OK to use in popular culture," he says, contending that Jersey Shore is a harbinger of shame to his heritage.

While he was working at a national news network a while back, "a nice Jewish guy and I were meeting for the first time and he asked me the origin of my real last name -- Carrese (Mooney is my stage name). I told him it was Italian and the first thing out of his mouth was 'Hey I just saw the Godfather for the first time this weekend.' And I said 'That's great. I just saw Fiddler on the Roof.'"

He says that another incident involved him "committing the crime of ethnic stereotyping" himself. He was having a disagreement with his executive producer and there was yelling involved. "He says "you're letting your Sicilian temper get the best of you' which pissed me off because he assumed all Italians were Sicilian because they were in the mafia which started in Sicily. So I said 'If I were Sicilian you'd be dead by now.' I figured I might as well play into his prejudice and scare him a little. But I didn't feel particularly good about that one. I realized later it sprung from an intra-Italian prejudice I had learned from my grandmother."

One of numerous sociological theories about stereotyping is that categorization is innate. We have a desire to simplify all that comes at us in our environment and compartmentalize. Processing new and unexpected information requires time and the expense of mental energy -- those among us who make the time and use the energy are often called "open-minded." Perhaps our minds can accommodate more compartments than those of our compadres.

This Jewish girl does not know of an individual who has not been stereotyped. Being part of a religious Jewish community, I see it daily and there is a lot of intra-stereotyping that takes place (e.g. "She wears pants, so she is 'less religious,'" "He wears a velvet yarmulke -- as opposed to a knit one -- so he's yeshiva-ish.")

With stereotyping in general, it is the classic case of "it takes one to know one." If the person in front of you falls into a category, then you will too. Sometimes we stereotype to create a common bond. Sometimes we do it to distinguish ourselves from others. Humans have not evolved enough to get past this and we never will. As long as we don't emulate Mel Gibson or make statements like some of Rush Limbaugh's, many of us who stereotype won't really stand out for it.

It was the American journalist Walter Lippman who coined the term "stereotype," as we know it today, in 1922. "Whether right or wrong, imagination is shaped by the pictures seen," he wrote.

We need to remind ourselves to step back and examine the pictures.

Around the same time that he wrote those words, famed photographer Ansell Adams said, "A photograph is usually looked at -- seldom looked into."

Back at the mall, the seller at an Israeli-manned kiosk tells me he has an offer that, as "a nice Jewish girl," I cannot refuse. He is one of my people, he explains, so how can I not help him? Spotting my double stroller, he tells me that as a nice Jewish girl and a mother, I must treat myself. So what if I spend 80 dollars on a cream that I don't really need? It will be worthwhile and how often do I treat myself to something?

I realize it will be difficult to turn him down, but for the state of my finances, I must. He reminds me of Israeli sellers I encountered while living in Jerusalem years ago, flattering and charming me every which way until I finally make a purchase.

Then, I catch myself. The act of stereotyping may not be right, but it is often reciprocal.

Rebel Without a Clause

2011-02-05T16:19:00.000-08:00

Whenever someone suggests that I've "rebelled" because I'm not exactly like my parents, I find it insulting. I have a mind of my own and I'm a grown up. I haven't "rebelled." I've become the person I am today through time, experience and intellecual evolution. It doesn't matter though, the term rebel is used to describe so many people and if that's the term you choose, so be it. I'm coming around and realizing that the word is not always meant negatively.

Recently I've heard of men and women with spouses and children who are deciding in their mid to late 30s to try something different, to have an entirely separate lifestyle and keep it on the down low. Essentially, they are one way at home with their family and the complete antithesis with co-workers and newly acquired friends. People refer to these individuals as rebels and I've wondered: How many of them are "Rebels With a Clause" and how many are "Rebels Without a Clause?" No, not "Cause." Clause.: Are these individuals going through what one might call a "phase" and planning to return or are they "settled"?

For instance, if one were to say: "I know I don't want to live my life this way and by next January this will stop" or "Once I find something to prove what I'm doing is the 'wrong way' and the way I was living before was the 'right way,' I will stop," that person is what I've termed, a "Rebel with a Clause" - There is a clause in his/her mental contract, saying a return to the old lifestyle is definitely a possibility.

Then there is the "Rebel Without a Clause." This type of individual may have strayed from what was expected of him or her, but they are not necessarily open to change and there is no clause in their mental contract. A "Rebel Without a Clause" doesn't usually think of him or herself as a rebel per say. He or she is a person who is comfortable with their lifestyle and is either convinced it is ideal, or is content with some uncertainty. I realize to some that might sound paradoxical: Content with uncertainty? Yes. I am one of those individuals: We cannot know for sure what is right and what is wrong, but at some point, we choose to live our lives with questions in the background.

Many of us revisit those questions and try to propose answers, many of us come up with the answers ourselves and are sure of them (those convinced that their lives are ideal), but more often than not, a "Rebel Without a Clause," like myself, is content exploring questions and hearing different perspectives while maintaining a lifestyle they don't plan on ditching.

Having no clause in your contract doesn't mean you can't or won't ever change, don't get me wrong. One "Rebel Without a Clause" who I knew had a miracle take place in her life and she found Jesus, never having thought she would want to. We are all entitled to change - our minds, our lives - with a clause or without a clause. It is just that we all come at things from different angles and with different levels of certainty. Products of our environment and circumstance, no two rebels, clause or no clause, are ever alike.

If you're single and you thought dating was tough...

2011-02-02T13:05:00.001-08:00

Check out my latest article, "The Kohein's Conundrum" on The Huffington Post. It is about a tribe of Jewish men with some pretty serious dating restrictions and the history behind the halachot, Jewish laws:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shira-hirschman-weiss/the-koheins-conundrum_b_815926.html

(Above photo courtesy of Jewish matchmaking web site SawYouAtSinai, www.SawYouAtSinai.com)

Of Me I Sing

2011-02-01T07:03:00.001-08:00

I'm often reminded about musical solos I had as a child and how badly I wanted to be a professional singer. I would drive my siblings slightly nuts with my incessant practice. More often than not, however, people asked me to sing. Unbiasedly, I had a good voice - I received compliments from musical teachers, voice coaches and a professional musician who I met. I was invited to join groups, but today, alas, I don't sing often - save for the shower and the carpool line. I don't posess the same range as I once did, though I have an ear for music and the ability to join most tunes with harmony.

I harmonize with Sara Bareillis and Sarah McLachlin and Sarah Brightman, but the reality craze American Idol has reminded me that a voice is a subjective thing. Being that mine doesn't get the same kind of exercise as it did years ago, I limit my singing to my private, alone time or to karaoke. I share it with the children who ask for it at bedtime. You see, after my 8th grade graduation, high school did not present the same opportunities to sing and my academics took over. By the time college came along, I was even more studious and of the mindset that I would become a psychologist, then a recreational therapist, then a teacher, and then a writer...And after college, I entered the field of public relations. Unsurprisingly, no one has asked me to sing in this professional realm.

Voice-related talents do run in my family. My brother, who also sang when he was younger, does voice-over work today. My sister can belt out a tune and she is an off-Broadway playwright and director. My father is a pediatrician who can play piano, guitar..and also sing. My aunt, my dad's sister, is a voice and piano teacher. My first cousins, my aunt's offspring, sing, play instruments and are in bands. My sister-in-law, who is not a blood relation (but probably should be since we have so much in common)is part of a blue grass band.

Every once in a while, I still get caught by someone - and it's completely off guard - singing a tune. That person will say "You've got a nice voice there" when I've been oblivious to the fact that I was singing at all.

There is definitely a caged bird inside of me, but mainly, she's content to stay in. After all, much like the home, certain comforts are reserved for the cage.

Much Ado about Tiger Mothers

2011-01-26T02:17:00.000-08:00

I am not a 'Tiger Mother,' but there's a lady at the local CVS whose glare suggests I'm a shrew. Just the other day, on a phone interview for work with the kids off from school, I asked my 4 year old to quiet down when background noise hit an all-time high. My interview subject said "Wow. You've got them well-trained."

But really, I do not. I liken my crew to the comic strip Family Circus. Everyone runs amok, doing their own thing with little to stop them. Games are played, homework is delayed and beds are rarely made. I hear that my older children's "bed time" is eight o'clock - That is either a future goal or a cover. I'm going with a cover. For what, I am not sure. For Granny who would be outraged by my children's real point of turning in? For my child's friend who goes to bed at 7 sharp without fail? To somehow make that friend feel better? That he is not missing out on the wonderful world of Cartoon Network and all that can be found on a kid's station after kid-approved hours?

When my eight year old decided that his two hour, twice weekly soccer class was too boring and long, I agreed to let him drop it. Another mother, who I think may actually be proud to call herself a Tiger Mom, who is strict about her children's daily piano and violin practice, ice skating training, excellence in academics, extracurriculars and bedtime, turned to me: "There's no way I would do what you did."

What I did.

There is much controversy surrounding Amy Chua's Battle Hymn of the Tiger, her coming of age memoir (where the parent comes of age) of uber-strict parenting (no sleepovers, no playdates, no grade less than A, no getting up to pee or have dinner until you've mastered a particular piano piece...). Many saw the book as Chua's attempt to teach her form of - what she calls - the "Chinese approach to parenting" as the style to model. But in a recent interview with the Wall Street Journal, Chua explains that "my actual book is not a how-to guide; it's a memoir, the story of our family's journey in two cultures, and my own eventual transformation as a mother. Much of the book is about my decision to retreat from the strict 'Chinese' approach, after my younger daughter rebelled at 13." In an interview with Jezebel, Chua addresses why readers are up in arms over her book: "We parents, including me, are all so anxious about whether we're doing the right thing. You can never know the results. It's this latent anxiety."

While I never want to be Amy Chua (It's too late, my kids would be 'scarred for life' for changing the game plan on them! They have a finite idea of what a "meanie" is.), being her polar opposite, I envy her a bit - let me stress, just a bit. I wish my children didn't think TV is an option and would pick up a violin instead of the wii remote. I wish I had them so well trained in the notion that I am boss, rather than landlady who weighs in from to time. OK, I have some authority. So I guess I exaggerate a bit. And so must have Amy Chua because her eldest daughter staunchly defended her in an open letter published in the New York Post. She says that she and her sister were not oppressed by an "evil mother". She discusses some of the incidents that have been criticized as harsh, and explains that they were not as bad as they sound out of context. She ends the letter saying, "If I died tomorrow, I would die feeling I've lived my whole life at 110 percent. And for that, Tiger Mom, thank you."

If Amy Chua's daughters are truly happy in life, then she did something right despite, or in spite, of her rigorous approach and should not look back and have regrets.

While Chua is not my model of a perfect parent, she has taught me something about becoming slightly stricter, implementing more rules in my home, and encouraging (but not pushing) my children to achieve what (I reasonably feel) they can achieve. So, I will say that I've taken a little something away from Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, and unlike Chua, I make no apologies.

Non-Confrontational Clergy: When Inactions Speak Louder Than Words

2011-01-21T06:02:00.000-08:00

The issue of whether or not the late Pope is being "fast-tracked to sainthood" is a hot topic among those intrigued by news of his upcoming beatification. A criticism that has been raised: The Pope may have largely ignored cases of pedophilia among clergy members. But do we really know what went on behind the scenes? Would we truly be privy to all the efforts he may have made to crack down on this widespread problem? I don't profess to have an answer, nor am I in the position to say what the Pope may or may not have done during his leadership.

But the debate surrounding the Pope brought to my mind a problem I am having with rabbis. Over the years and in recent times, many rabbis have been criticized for helping women to obtain a "Get," Jewish divorce papers which (archaically, although steps have been implemented to modernize and circumvent this predicament) are granted by the husbands.

Although folks recognize faults and possible mental illness on part of husbands who withhold this historically important religious document (granting the religious divorce as opposed to the secular and legal document, which says a woman is free to remarry, halachikally speaking), they criticize those Rabbis for helping to expedite the process or make it easier. Why can't he stay out of it?" I've heard people ask. In some cases, rabbis have been ostracized for helping those who sought their help in the first place! "Breakaway synagogues" have formed over the years and across the country for this very reason and for reasons like it. Sadly, these situations are not unique and I hear these type of stories every day.

While some are of the mindset "The rabbi should stay out of it" and others will say "He is helping people in need. The role of the rabbi is to mediate when necessary!", many observers will cluck their tongues and lament "He's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't."

I remember growing up when one family asked a rabbi for help with an entirely different matter, a conflict with another family. The rabbi said "I do not wish to get involved." He was afraid of backlash from the other family and from the congregation. The family who had sought the rabbi's help later resolved the conflict privately and after much heartbreak, but the rabbi in question lost their respect. They quickly learned never to expect him to have their backs. It was a situation that the religious leader could have handled with finesse, but he chose to bow out.

Please don't misunderstand. I am not comparing these rabbis to the Pope by a long shot, nor am I criticizing the Pope! Rather, I am bringing up a question that I have had for a very long time and of which recent news has reminded me: Do inactions speak as loud as actions do?

I feel that if one chooses not to get involved, the consequences could be damning; i.e. turning a blind eye on the sexual or physical abuse of a child, not alerting authorities to alarming words from someone who threatens violence or suicide. When one is in a leadership position, he or she is expected (more than the average individual is) to get involved, be it a principal of a school, a mayor, a rabbi, a priest.

The opposite argument is that involvement can make people angry. Taking a stand offends those taking the opposing stand. When a rabbi mediates in a nasty divorce or tries to help with a custody battle after his help is sought, another rabbi may criticize him for sticking his nose in. He may be ostracized by others who he frequently consults or collaborates with; he may lose members of his congregation. When a priest tries to stop abuse, another priest may shun him for smearing the name of his friend the accused. A religious leader has a lot to be stressed out about.

Jeffrey Sumber, MA, MTS, LCPC, who holds a Masters in Theological Studies from Harvard Divinity School, explains that this challenge is an ancient one:

"We have been programmed by our religious institutions for centuries to believe that the emissaries of religious doctrine and practice are somehow above or separate from the thoughts, feelings and personal motivations of 'regular' folks. We look to religious leaders for insight and direction with issues that we feel are somehow too challenging or uncomfortable to handle by ourselves, yet those who have chosen paths of spiritual leadership had to grow up with parents who said 'no' like the rest of us. All of us wearing human skin carry with us human baggage so it is fascinating to imagine that just because someone embraces a full time religious life that they somehow do not also carry the same emotional challenges or longings.

As designated religious leaders, clergy of any faith are in a position to offer guidance that common parishioners might not normally feel open to exploring or accepting as viable. The religious mantle often adds a degree of gravitas to a decision or path that makes many people feel safer than had they come to the same decision on their own.

Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel suggested that 'in order for religion to be viable anymore, it must be revolutionary.' I fully believe this to be the case now more than ever. Religious leaders volunteer to wear a mantle of dogma and faith therefore whatever they choose to do or not do is under close scrutiny from those of us who pay attention. Not acting when it comes to the pain and suffering of others is indeed as significant a statement as marching for civil rights or combating genocide."

When I corresponded with Pastor Jared Byas of BranchCreek Community Church, who is confronted with issues and asked for his involvement on a daily basis, he wrote the following:

As I scrolled through Facebook yesterday, I came across several Martin Luther King sayings. The one that struck me most was "In the end, we will not remember the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends." This, of course, comes from King's personal experiences with feeling betrayed by the silence of his fellow clergy. And as a Christian pastor, I know what it's like to be in the position of those fellow clergy. There are many times when an individual will call me or send me an email asking me to be involved in their cause or in a personal emergency. At that moment, I realize that this request will not go away. Silence is not the non-answer I wish it could be. Quite the contrary, it yells out a resounding "no," and speaks loudly about my inactivity. And when these issues are controversial, clergy often find their selves in a tough position. For example, when people begin expressing their concerns about child abuse, at what point does silence remain quiet and at what point does it begin to speak. And when it does begin to speak, what does it say? At best, disinterest, at worst, complicity? There are times when silence is simply a good political move but then there are times when that same silence becomes suspect and even possibly condemning. As it relates to the Pope, it seems the jury is still out. For our congregation, the most recent issue has been homosexuality. As long as no one asked the questions, our silence is quiet. But once the question is raised, the clock starts ticking as to when our silence will be viewed as subtle acceptance of the status quo. For me personally, my religious tradition compels me to be involved on behalf of those without a voice and without power, whether or not doing so will bring criticism. I do not always listen to my tradition unfortunately, but that is my standard. If I am going to be criticized by both those who say I am involved too much and those who say I am involved too little, I always want to be criticized for my actions and not for my inaction.

It is no secret that leaders were designated to their positions with the expectation that they will take charge -- sometimes in the most uncomfortable of situations.

Turning a blind eye on congregants in serious need can do more damage than "being nosey."

A friend of mine put it this way: "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the clergy."

(This article of mine also published on Huffington Post)

Mormon, Single and (sort of) Ready to Mingle

2011-01-21T05:40:00.000-08:00

Elna Baker is attractive, engaging and looking for love in New York City. If you're thinking typical, think again: She's also a writer, a hilarious stand-up comic and a solo performer who specializes in storytelling. Oh, and she's a practicing Mormon. That means no sex. So Elna Baker is a 28-year-old virgin living in the big city, and that would mean she is not typical.

There are more details of her life that make her interesting and as one friend stated, those facts have made it so that "Elna had to write a memoir." Without giving too much away, let's just say she grew up in Seattle, Madrid and London. She's visited her parents in Siberia, where they resided until recently and where her dad worked in a Titanium factor (until Boeing transferred him to China). If you're not intrigued by this point, I should mention that she's the first half-Mexican Mormon I've had the pleasure of speaking with.

In her 2009 best-selling memoir The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance (Penguin Group), Elna talks candidly and humorously about faith, family, losing 80 pounds, waking up beautiful and searching for Mr. Right -- at every wrong turn. I spoke with the author a year later about her book, what it means to be a single Mormon in Manhattan, and how life has changed since Halloween Dance hit stores.

SHW: Let's start with the dedication page to your family: You warn them about "F" bombs ahead. You're extremely close with your family, so what was their reaction to your Sex in the City -- minus the sex -- tome?

EB: I pushed the limit and I was afraid of some of the family's reactions, but even my grandma thought it was hilarious. I thought for sure she would open and not finish it. My immediate family was very supportive. We did a fake Mormon dance at the book launch event and my mom made plenty of jelly casseroles (a Mormon thing!). That was definitely her way of supporting me!

SHW: Are you still single? What about your sister who was your roommate and partner in crime as a single Mormon in NYC?

EB: I'm still single after having recently ended a relationship. My sister got married in May and it wasn't to a Mormon but a Turkish Muslim! He got baptized and converted for her.

SHW: Your struggles in the Mormon dating scene, where everyone seems to know (or know of) one another, reminded me of when I was single and in the Modern Orthodox Jewish dating scene. I also have some wild and unbelievable stories from that time, so I laughed and could relate to yours! Do you think that someone worldly enough is out there in the Mormon scene for Elna Baker? What type of guy would he be? Before you answer, let me share this excerpt from the book:

"My life is a constant balance between saying no to substances, sex, porn, and Starbucks, and saying yes to adventure. I am a Mormon in New York.
A Mormon in New York seeking another Mormon in New York.
Which brings me back to the beginning: The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance. Me, in the corner by myself, with too many cookies and a notebook. To make matters worse, I just witnessed a 35-year-old man -- definitely a virgin -- dressed in a duck costume doing the electric slide."

EB: I've come to learn as I'm getting older (I'll be 29 in 3 weeks) that there is a balancing act between religion and relationships/dating. There's a balance between compromising some of your initial hopes and not "settling." I'm still dreaming big and I believe in finding someone that meets most of those expectations and makes me happy. Things are possible, though some things are subject to compromise.

SHW: (Spoiler Alert) You fall in love with an atheist in the book, and you should know, readers who I've spoken with fell in love with the atheist and were rooting for you both due to the incredible chemistry you shared. We've got to know: Has he read the memoir and has he been in touch?

EB: Before I published the memoir, I sent him a draft. He called me after he read it and said that he really enjoyed it, highlighting certain parts, and that it was funny. I was half-heartedly waiting for that "and...I love you too," but I didn't get that. That was the moment I got over him. I had met him when he was 28 and I was 23 and now that I'm 28, what I would be cool with is so different than what I was cool with at 23. At times I was just happy to have a guy who liked me (and that's something you see in the book). It's always about timing.

SHW: The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance is an actual annual event and something you dread due to the cheesiness, that obvious feeling that you're there to be paired off for marriage while wearing a humiliating costume (though your own costumes and mishaps will have readers in stitches). Have you been back to the event that inspired the title? If so, were you the star of the dance?

EB: No (laugh), I was not the star at all, but I did go back in 2009! I was walking out of the subway and passed the Barnes and Nobles next door. In the window was the book displayed with the name of the dance. It had just been published in hard copy earlier that month so it wasn't known at the dance yet, but it was different going that year. I felt strength from having put my voice out there. There is a whole division of young Mormons who are questioning their faith and aren't encouraged to voice that. My book was the first to do so and people were drawn to me and grateful that I shared my story.

In LA, there is a similar Halloween dance that has been held for years. They renamed it after the book came out so it now has the same title.

SHW: What would your advice be to the single women of Manhattan who are looking for a soul mate of their faith? How do you keep the faith when it seems like it would be easier to expand your options?

EB: I believe that there are more women than men out there who are strong, interesting and of a high caliber so it's really important to put yourself out there so you can meet lots of people. But also, don't think that just because you're in a limited dating pool you need to accept something that's not really what you want. If you think of the whole world, everyone who is out there, it's possible to find someone who really meets your expectations and someone whose expectations you will meet.

Since the book was published, I am definitely more confident about being able to express what I want or don't want. The guys that I have dated have been respectful of my religious history, my culture, what I come from.

SHW: In Halloween Dance you are always questioning your faith, wondering if Mormonism makes any sense, and while some would say questioning is what keeps our connection to God, others say "Come on already! Decide if you want to be Mormon or not." You go back and forth in the book. How do you feel that has impacted your faith and what would you say to the naysayers who question your questioning?

EB: In Mormonism, you're told if you have too many doubts you need to correct the aspect of your life that's not righteous. I'm always questioning Mormonism and I don't want to give too much away to readers, but currently I'm asking the same questions about my faith that I was asking myself in the book, just from a different angle.

SHW: Hmm..interesting. a "different" angle...I can only hope that means there will be a sequel to The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance and aptly titled as well!

You can watch Elna discuss her book in this video: http://youtu.be/BogilVYcvCs

(This interview of mine was also published on The Huffington Post)

Martin Luther King's Impact on Judaism (also published on Huffington Post)

2011-01-17T19:48:00.000-08:00

Last night, I was trying to think of ways to teach my young children about Martin Luther King. While searching online for books about Rosa Parks and "I had a Dream," a Facebook thread caught my eye. A close friend had just seen Rabbi Capers Funnye, an African American convert to Judaism and the head rabbi of a Chicago synagogue, in a local restaurant. Rabbi Funnye, who according to The New York Times used to hear the joke "Funnye, you don't look Jewish," is also a cousin of Michelle Obama. Apparently, he was in the neighborhood speaking about African American Jewry as part of a series of similar lectures taking place across the country.

In addition to being the first African American "Head Rabbi" of a synagogue, Funnye co-founded the Alliance of Black Jews in 1995. I thought how appropriate it was that my friend's sighting took place the night before Martin Luther King Day. King is Funnye's hero, the predecessor who set the groundwork for the Rabbi's tremendous efforts and strides. In recent times, the Rabbi has brought a lot of positive attention to the African American Jewish community, a community that is being embraced by Jews across the nation and finally getting the recognition and respect it deserves. Despite meeting with skepticism as the first and only black "Head Rabbi," Funnye contends in an article that ran in The New York Times, "I am a Jew, and that breaks through all color and ethnic barriers."

While reading about Funnye, how he decided to convert to Judaism after extensive and thorough exploration into religion (converting is no easy feat for anyone regardless of race, nor is being born Jewish!), I decided that I had something to add to what I was teaching my children. Martin Luther King Jr. did not just impact the world, he did not just pave the way for Barack Obama and other African American leaders who we respect today, but he impacted the Jewish community as well. Rabbi Funnye is evidence of that. Imagine how much harder the rabbi would have had to work to represent the African American Jewish community had there been no King. Yet he has worked incredibly hard and he is still working to achieve his own dream. Funnye's continuous efforts might be fruitless today had it not been for his influential predecessor.

It is my hope that my children will have the opportunity to meet Rabbi Funnye at an upcoming talk and see how far not only our country, but our religion has come, since Martin Luther King Jr. spoke and shared his dream.

Everything I Had Learned to Fear, I Learned in Kindergarten

2011-01-17T07:17:00.000-08:00

I was being sent back to the bathroom for the third time while the rest of the class was on the monkey bars outside.

"Still not clean," said my teacher pointedly. She held up the can of paint brushes and her eyes bore through me. "Go back. You can't go outside until you're finished."

I trudged back to memorize that blue and gray marble floor, to feel the cold of the room, with tears dripping down my cheeks. I felt like no kindergartner should ever feel, in the simplest of words, Stupid.

When I finally finished the process and the paint brushes passed muster, I was allowed on the playground with the other children.

"There's something wrong with her," I heard one teacher say to the other, "She plays with an imaginary rope, for goodness sake!"

A few days later, students were being taken out of the class individually for IQ testing. Although none of the other kindergarteners seemed to know what was going on, I had an idea: That same teacher, the one who had been singling me out all year, sent me to be tested first. The significance struck me right away. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

My mother would later disclose to me (when I prodded) that I had scored quite high on my IQ testing. However, the teachers insisted that there was something wrong with me and eventually, I was diagnosed, by the same psychologist who conducted the testing, with "a learning disability." What that actual disability entailed was never made known to me, but I continued to feel singled out for my daydreaming.

I went through most of elementary school with feelings of insecurity about my intellect. It took a trip to Israel during the summer preceding fourth grade to make me realize that I was in fact somewhat “smart.” It was a word we students threw around so much to describe those who were favored by the teachers, those who raised their hands the most during class, and those who appeared to be perfect as we felt like outsiders looking in. I had come back to my Jewish day school from that vacation in Israel feeling confident in my Hebrew studies. Words flowed off my tongue with the inflections, intonation and accent of a Jerusalem native. If I could master a foreign language so easily, I could handle other obstacles. If I could master a language, I was not stupid.

I began writing (English) poetry that year and realized that this too was something I could do well. Then I started to compose essays in my free time and short stories. I even wrote a “book” with a science fiction premise during junior high. I entered an essay contest for Scholastic and although I did not win, I was the "class winner." I later came in second in the seventh grade class spelling bee (and if it were not for the boy who declared the entire time - loudly -that I would not win, I may have actually come in first).

Although I remained in the lowest academic track from first through eighth grades (the elementary school that I was in was one entity that continued through eighth grade), I landed in a higher track in high school and maintained a 94 average throughout. By the time I attended college, academic success was not my concern, but the "damage" to my ego was. I was a grown woman with a kindergartner living inside who had never left! Be it my social interactions, boys, or my oral presentation for Psychopathology, I could not look stupid.

Perfection became my focus. One day, at the age of 18, I decided I had to get help for what I thought of as "my unofficial OCD." Although I did not go to an authentic therapist, I sought out a friend who was training to be a psychologist – albeit at the undergraduate level. I thought I would initially open up to her about my latest crush and how he hadn't noticed me, or how my parents weren't thrilled with the length of my skirts, but I ended up bawling about kindergarten. When I was done and thoroughly embarrassed, I turned to her and said "I need to get over this already!"

For a little over a year, that friend would initiate discussions with me via phone, much like therapy sessions minus the couch, and eventually I told her it was time to drop kindergarten like a bad habit. I had finally confronted the past, I felt better, and most importantly, I was now ready to own up to the adult who I was.

Today, I feel confident mainly; I am a mother, a wife, a career woman and I manage to balance those varying roles. My experiences have made me into the thoughtful person that I am today. The kindergartner has left this building, probably for the monkey bars or to run around the recess field. Occasionally though, she checks in with the paint brushes, ensuring that each one is clean, and knowing that regardless, she won't stay in for very long.

Why Do Atheists Read the Religion Section? (also published on Huffington Post)

2011-01-11T13:39:00.000-08:00

Some of the most interesting people I've met are atheists. It’s no wonder; a recent Pew poll found that atheists and agnostics score highest, compared to the religiously affiliated, on a measure of religious knowledge (http://pewforum.org/other-beliefs-and-practices/u-s-religious-knowledge-survey.aspx). After publishing my first Huffington Post article, numerous atheists posted comments to opine on the religious views I expressed (if the name hasn't clued you in, I'm Jewish). While reading those comments, a friend asked "Why do atheists read the religion section?" In the same breath, that person said "Well, why the hell not!" Those ruminations inspired this piece.

I decided to open the floor to this discussion because the Religion section was looking a lot like Howard Stern. Let me explain: In the ‘97 biopic “Private Parts,” a researcher states that the average listener tunes in to Stern for just 15 minutes – and the answer most commonly given as to why?

“To see what he’ll say next.”

“But what about those who hate Stern?” asks ‘Pig Vomit,’ Howard’s boss.

“Two and a half hours per day,” says the Researcher.

“What? How can that be?”

“To see what he’ll say next.”

In my opinion, Atheists want to be well-informed. They want to know what the other side is saying, and then what they’re saying next. They wish to keep up with all that they’re contesting, not to change their minds. Others who I’ve spoken with speculate that some self-professed atheists may actually be agnostics who are seeking answers to address internal doubts.

Bram Kleppner is a “a fifth-generation atheist” with iron-clad convictions. He reads religion articles because he’s always hoping small bits of sanity will insist on working their way into religious doctrine. ”It was very heartening to hear the Pope suggest that condom use may be OK in certain circumstances,” he told me. He views the religion section as entertaining: “It’s fun watching grown, educated people tying themselves in knots trying to reconcile their beliefs to a world that demonstrates daily that those beliefs are false. I'm also looking for (and almost always find) positive reinforcement for my beliefs about our godless universe and the fact that there's no afterlife.”

Tonight Show regular and comedian Elon Gold, who is performing his one-man show Half Jewish, Half Very Jewish, offered this perspective: “Just as believers sometimes doubt the existence of God, the Atheist will often doubt the non-existence of God! That’s why they’re always checking the religious section for breaking news….'Has the Messiah come today? No? Oh good, I’m still right, it’s all BS!’ Who’s more worried about God’s existence than an atheist? Especially the atheist who lives a life of debauchery and sin - If there is a God, there’ll be no red carpet treatment for him in the afterlife. So he’s got to keep up with religious news. The consequences are enormous if he’s wrong!”

But as staunch atheist Bill Maher said in his documentary Religulous (2008) “We need God to decide not to kill each other?”

Atheist comedian Frank King told me he reads the religion section in self defense: “Hardcore Christians tell me the Bible calls homosexuality ‘an abomination.’ What they fail to mention is that it's only one of several HUNDRED abominations, including wearing clothes made of more than one material. Better send all those blends to Goodwill. When I point that out, they change gears and ask why I'm endorsing the gay agenda. Gays have an agenda? Ever watch Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? You can't get 5 gay guys to agree on drapes, much less an agenda!”

Joking aside, I spoke with clergy members, theologians and psychologists who agreed with my thoughts about the atheist’s thirst for knowledge, the need to say abreast of what believers are saying.

“Deep down within every person is a yearning for belief in God,” explained Rabbi Yitzchak Rosenbaum, Associate Director of the National Jewish Outreach Program (NJOP). “Note how pervasive this belief is across human society. Even avowed atheists may still be searching for a reason to believe and where better to find that (without going to church or synagogue) than on the religion page.”

When pastor and author Carol Howard Merritt started blogging for The Huffington Post, she initially read comments and responded to them, just as she does on her personal blog. While she maintains close friendships with atheists, she encountered what she refers to as “extreme atheism” while reading angry comments to her posts: “It felt like I was volunteering to put my hand in the meat grinder. I noticed quickly that I slacked off in my writing, and I began to lose my voice. You know, I'm smarter than Pavlov's dogs, and if I get hurt every time I do something, then I stop doing it.”

But the pastor persevered and continues to write articles today. “It made me curious. I mean, there are a myriad of things that I don't believe. I don't believe in horoscopes, but I don't feel compelled to hang out on horoscope sites and tell the readers how foolish they are. I decided I needed to get tougher.”

She had great things to say about Alex Wilhelm, an atheist who also blogs for the religion section of The Huffington Post, so I contacted him.

“I must admit that I read the religion section partially for a laugh,” Wilhelm wrote to me, “Why else? To keep an eye on things that I am wary of: anti-intellectualism, pseudo-science, lying to children, extremism, scriptural literalism, anti-blasphemy laws and the like. If you don't know what you are up against, you can't fight it as well as you could or should. I am for a free and secular society where the individual is protected from not just the majority, but from the moral laws of the religious. And so while I do read the oddest articles for a cheap chuckle, I tend to read to gird myself to protect individual liberty.”

Clinical psychologist David Sabine, PhD first joked to me that atheists read the religion section for the same reason the CIA listens to Al Jazeera, but then he gave me the more professional response: “The late theologian Paul Tillich views atheism as a legitimate way to express one’s ‘ultimate concern.’ This refers to seeking answers to depth and mystery in life. Atheism, far from being faithless, is a powerful expression of some people’s view about ‘what it’s all about.’ So it makes sense for one with ‘ultimate concern’ to read the religion section and know how others are addressing the question, albeit in different ways.”

From a personal standpoint, I look forward to comments from those who challenge me. I look forward to answering questions and I’ll willingly admit there are some I can not answer. You could say there’s an agnostic in me – I don’t always know what to make of what I was taught. Of course, it is easier to welcome opposition when it’s delivered in a “with all due respect” tone.

Rabbi Shmuley Boteach (The Michael Jackson Tapes, Kosher Sex) says there are two kinds of atheists. One kind is what he refers to as “an ‘atheist out of complacency’; they can’t be bothered to believe in God and so are atheists out of convenience.” The second, he explains, is the ‘professional atheist.’ Rabbi Boteach says that the latter “maintains a deep dislike for religion. ‘Professional atheism’ is far more about attacking religion than it is about non-belief in God. So they follow religion sections, obsess over them, joke about them, put them down and mock them.”

My feeling: anger does not discriminate. While some atheists read the religion section to keep current, some do so because religion incenses them and they feel the need to let people know. And that’s ok. Jews get angry, Christians get angry…Humans get angry. It’s an individual’s right.

If a priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk into a bar, there’s no telling who will be the first to lose their cool (...or who’ll go on to pen the joke)!

[cartoon by Elie Hirschman]

Coerced into Confession

2011-01-10T03:56:00.000-08:00

For days, we could not find the iPod my husband had bought. Immediately, the culprit was my cherubic, bright and curious child, who at a significantly young age, was navigating the device seamlessly.

"Where did you put the iPod?" we asked repeatedly for several days.

"You can't do X, Y, Z until you find that iPod."

"Are you kidding? You want to go to Toys R Us? Not til you find that iPod!"

And then we tried a new strategy: "If you tell us where you put that iPod, we promise we won't get angry. Is it possible you may have put it somewhere, anywhere...?"

Forehead strained pensively, the child said "I may have put it in the garbage...I guess..."

On went the plastic gloves and off to the outdoor garbage cans my husband went, hunting and fishing and hoping that it was there.

To no avail.

"The dump probably has it." We were resigned to the notion that the iPod was gone forever. "And we won't buy a new one. The kids need to learn a lesson from this."

A few hours later, after the children were fast asleep, my husband came upstairs holding the green plastic encased object in question. "Found it."

And you know where it was? Where I had hid it when I was trying to get the child to stop playing and off to school, on top of the refrigerator.

"Oh," I said, smacking my forehead, "I completely forgot...I can't believe it!"

"We'll have to apologize tomorrow."

Though my husband said I watch too much television, I likened the confession about the garbage to those wrongfully accused and interrogated by police - They feel forced to make some sort of divulsion and will go to jail for a crime they didn't commit. Alas, this was only an iPod and a little kid, and although I had forgotten about taking it away, I was in fact the guilty party.

But when it comes to detective work, be it an item misplaced by a child (or parent!) or work conducted by law enforcement: No stone should be left unturned before one is thrown.

Re-examining the Evil Eye

2011-01-09T04:51:00.000-08:00

My husband heard a rabbi say he was talking to a congregant and she asked about his daughter.

"She's 2 years old now," he told her.

"Poo poo poo," said the congregant, uttering the words that often accompany "Kneine harah" ("without the evil eye"), the popular Jewish concept that even my non-Jewish friends know about.

"She does that too," said the rabbi.

I laughed when my husband told me this, but the congregant in the story did not. She was offended. The rabbi apologized to her and explained how ayin harah, as it was first mentioned in the Torah, refers to jealousy: We do not want to make others jealous of us (which causes their "evil eye" to look at us), so we need to be humble and not flaunt our blessings. However, it also doesn't mean we must go overboard chanting words to prevent the blessings from becoming curses.

There are so many different schools of thought in Judaism about the ayin harah. If you go to a mekubal, a Jewish mystic, one who often impresses others with seemingly supernatural insight and foresight, he may give you a blessing to protect you from it. If you speak to some Modern Orthodox, Lubavitch or Traditional Jews of a certain age, you may see that they -- more prevalently than others -- use the phrase "kneine harah" (Yiddish) or "bli ayin harah" (Hebrew).
One friend of mine has her own take: "Ayin harahs are only true if you believe in them."

I think that what the Rabbi was trying to say is that it's best to behave modestly and with a heightened concern for the feelings of others. You really can't go wrong with that approach -- regardless of what you believe.

***This article of mine was published on The Huffington Post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shira-hirschman-weiss/reexamining-the-evil-eye_b_798855.html

Why I'll Watch Brad The Bachelor (This Time Around)

2011-01-02T04:26:00.000-08:00

There are two seasons of The Bachelor that I didn't watch, Brad Womack's and Andrew Firestone's. Neither of them struck me as particularly interesting and Brad just didn't stand out to me. As far as each installment of The Bachelor goes, I liken it to my friends' Farmville fascination. I don't play games on the computer (although I'm a Facebook-er) and National Geographic's Amish: Out of the Order and CBS's 48 Hour mysteries are definitely more intriguing than Bachelor host Chris Harrison. But fast forward to the drama of Crazy-as-Hell-Michelle or Under Control-Controlling Jake and voila, while my husband catches Steeler highlights (yawn), there's something utterly mind-numbing to tune in to. I look forward to those Monday rose ceremonies that conveniently air after the kids have gone to bed (or if they haven't, I can catch episodes online the next night. Don't you love that everything and anything can be watched on the Internet?).

So, here's the deal with Brad Womack: I wasn't watching the last time he was on as "The Bachelor" in '07, but Brad did something "shocking" and according to viewers, potential suitors and show producers, he did something wrong, wrong, wrong! He made a decision that he would later need to seek therapy for! The horror? He left choosing no one. (GASP)

Yes, that is the real deal. I remember when I was single there were men who chose no one. We called them picky, commitment phobic...I hope they all sought therapy to sort their sorry selves out jus like Brad. Apparently, Brad wasn't clued in to the success rate of The Bachelor. We're talkin' 2 or 3 of the couples still together after 13 paired up on the show - and that number keeps dwindling. Brad, stop feeling so bad for yourself! But this is exactly the "masochism," as Us Weekly dubbed it, that show producers were hoping for. Brad will be confronted by DeAnna Pappas and Jenni Croft, the 2 women he rejected last time around, at the start of this new season. One of the women (er, girls) who gets out of the limo will slap him and say "This is for all the women across America." Ouch. Brad will need some serious psychotropics to get through this turbulent ride.

When I think back to my single days and consider the guy who brought me a dozen roses, told me he would take me to Niagra Falls on our next date and professed his undying love to me only to dump me after 2 weeks, claiming I wasn't religious enough (I ran into him recently, he didn't remember me) or the guy who told me I was the love of his life and chased me until I decided I too was fully on board with the relationship (he's still in the closet), I just don't think they saw shrinks for their seemingly irrational - at the time - decisions. If only 15 million harsh and judgemental viewers had gotten to them! We've all moved on with our lives today, but everyone could use a good dose of psychoanalysis at some point.

It is this "masochism," having Brad Womack woefully regret his bachelorean antics on national television, that will be endearing to viewers this time around. Having the women he turned down confront him? Brilliant. Having a potential suitor slap him on behalf of all women watching? You can't make this stuff up (..?). If they bring back the chick with the fake fangs, crazy-as-Hell-Michelle or even better, Rosalyn Pappas (no relation to DeAnna, but you know, the one who had an "affair" with one of the show's producers)? Perfection.

The best part is that it is 3 years later folks. Brad has quite possibly undergone 3 years of intensive therapy to get over what others don't flinch at, what some consider their "elusiveness" or proudly, "being a playa."

Brad Womack is sorry. I sure hope I won't be for tuning in.

(Check out http://youtu.be/ilLUQZtUi58 for a preview of Monday's The Bachelor)

Mutiny of the Mane

2010-12-28T09:58:00.001-08:00

Growing up, it seemed the source of my stresses involved the taming my tresses. No mountain was too high and no valley was too low, but my “Jewfro” had to go. My hair was naturally curly and unruly and an inordinate amount of products was expended to slick, de-frizz, scrunch and curl my recalcitrant ringlets. I was constantly fearful my hair would misbehave. When it was long, I would twirl pieces, instead of paying attention in class. I would assure that it focused while I could not. When it was short, it was at its most seditious, growing out instead of down, fuller each morning than it had been the night before. While friends were buying shampoos to give hair body, I was the “anti-body.” I began thinning my hair while my male friends experimented with Rogaine and Minoxidil.

At the end of college, I began straightening my hair and soon thereafter, no one remembered that it used to be curly. In fact, I straightened it so often that I didn’t remember it used to be curly - that is, until I went to the hair salon and saw the exorbitant bill and calculated the accompanying tip. And then one day, in my 30s after having worn my hair straight for so long, I discovered that it was no longer curly but part wavy and even part straight. The inconsistency was apparent to all when I showcased what I thought would be my “curly look.”

“How come it’s wavy in some parts and straight in others?” I was asked by more than a few who locked on to my locks.

“Hormones?” I shrugged, conveniently placing blame on the petite perils of pregnancy. But I didn’t really know. However, I decided the obsession had to end; I would cry after a bad hair cut and hide for a week, I would spend an hour trying to get my hair to curl and de-frizz just the right way, hours on end in salons, not to mention the costs! No one could rightly claim this was all normal adult behavior.

So, I invested in a piece of material, similar to a rubber band. I threw my hair up into what the Americans call a “ponytail” and interestingly, what the Israelis call a “cuckoo.” Cuckoo no more, I began throwing my hair up every day, high above my head and even adorning this look with jeweled headbands fitting of a princess (- the Jewish American variety).

I still get my hair blown out straight, spending more time than I’d care to admit to in a chair, but it is much less often than it used to be. After wasting a full day in a Manhattan salon 10 years ago for the “Japanese Straightener” (only to have curly roots grow in faster than you could say “Ouidad”), I will not be attempting the “Brazilian Keratin Treatment” any time soon. Don’t think my hairdressers aren’t mentioning the modern marvel to me every time I see them.

I would rather give my hair the option to duke it out. Curl, spring forward, wave or relax and take a chill…albeit for a brief period.

People who know me know that I am bold, will sometimes second-guess my own bravado, but always persevere and feel vindicated for having taken that approach.

I guess you could say that my hair reflects my nature.

Who am I to put an end to the mutiny of the mane?

Perfecting Parenthood: Canning the Yell

2010-12-23T10:48:00.000-08:00

"No wire hangers!" yelled Faye Dunaway while starring as Joan Crawford in the most epic performance of her career. "No wire hangers EVER!" The 1981 classic was Mommie Dearest, a film based on the autobiography of Christina Crawford, Joan's adopted daughter. In the cinematic depiction, Little Christina is the object of Joan's mounting rage for having decided to hang a dress on a (loathsome, in Joan's mind) wire hanger.

Although the scene is hyperbole to my life, I cringe when I yell at one of my kids and immediately flash to that scene in my mind. When I yell, raise my voice, assert my disappointment audibly or whatever you wish to call it, it is because I can't manage the situation as seamlessly as I'd like to.

My own mom and dad seemed to have parenting down to a science; No TV except Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers and only an hour per day, bed time at 7:30 and brush your teeth every night and morning (I didn't have a cavity until I was 21). For some reason, I don't seem able to enforce similar rules in my home with my own children today. My siblings and I were like little whistling soldiers following our orders quite happily and marching along. Skip ahead from the 80s to 2010 and my older kids are lying on my bed at 9:30, refusing to go to their room so they can stay and "cuddle" with mom. It's so cute, I suppress a yell. For about an hour. Then my temper gets the best of me. Cue Faye Dunaway.

Well, not exactly Faye Dunaway, but my own tempered version of Mommie Dearest.

WHY ARE YOU STILL UP AT 10:30 ON A SCHOOL NIGHT? GO TO YOUR OWN BEDS NOW!

When I reached out to Dr. Shoshana Dayanim, a developmental psychologist and fellow mom, She told me I was being way too hard on myself. "I also find myself yelling quite a bit- It is tough for parents today," she said, explaining that "We are super-moms and dads, holding jobs, running households and taking care of our children. We are exhausted. Often the reason we so easily lash out is just that- we are exhausted, and thus have a short fuse."

What can I do when I yell? I asked her, explaining that I'd like to be one of those incredibly even-tempered, enviably "laid back and easygoing" parents at all times.

"If you find yourself lashing out in a way you'll regret later on, ask yourself 'who is this person?!?!?!?' - take a deep breath and apologize. By yelling, we are showing our children that it is appropriate behavior- and in turn, they will yell at us. If we admit that it wasn't the right thing to do, we at least show them that we too make mistakes but we recognize them, admit to them, and apologize for them. "

Dayanim told me that when she herself experiences frustration as a parent, she walks out of the room, calms down and holds her breath for ten seconds.

"I have tried many things," she said, "But the thing that works best? Get more sleep. Easier said then done. "

There are some questions as to what "yelling" actually is. I have a relatively calm spouse who will express his frustrations but never above a certain volume. He'll often say "I raised my voice. I didn't yell."

Well, hell, I yell. I come from a long line of Old Yellers. My mother, who presides over a high school, has what she calls "A Principal Voice" and let me tell you, it's quite commanding and effective in long hallways. Growing up, my father had a whistle that could be heard 4 blocks away. I never thought of being loud as a problem until I realized that so many quiet people exist (and I married one!).

My son once asked if I could stop yelling altogether, just never yell, like quitting smoking - give it up for good. Around the same time, I made a close, new friend and asked her "Am I bad mom because I yelled at my child today?" I knew that I had to reach a happy medium to avoid channeling Sally Field (expressing self-doubt to new friends wasn't exactly endearing), so I tried to learn how to whisper my commands. Sometimes the whispering became urgent whispering and the decibel began hovering slightly above "whisper" mark. Despite my efforts and radical change in tactics, the message wasn't coming through.

"I didn't hear you say I had to finish my homework/go to bed/clean up, mom...."

Dr. Dayanim suggested I try another approach "Just as some children have objects that they find calming- a binky, a blanket, a stuffed animal.... so do adults. Ours may take the form of coffee, gum or a nice cozy sweater- Plan ahead and have these things there for you when you know you are most likely to yell."

Chomp, chomp, it's amazing how fast you can go through a pack of sugarless gum, but maybe I should order that Snuggie...

The other night, as I was laying out my son's clothing for the following day of school, he turned to me and said "You're the nicest mommy in the whole world."

Touched, I should have simply taken the compliment, but I had to know:

"Do you still think I yell too much?"

"You never ever yell," he said. "You're the best mom ever."

I hung his clothing for the next day - on a wire hanger - and kissed him good night.

Shira Hirschman Weiss: Gay Orthodox Jews: 'It Gets Better' - Blog Top Sites

2010-12-23T06:42:00.000-08:00

Shira Hirschman Weiss: Gay Orthodox Jews: 'It Gets Better' - Blog Top Sites

Carol Ann Riddell, John Partilla, PR & The New York Times (A Theory)

2010-12-22T15:44:00.000-08:00

WHAT happens when love comes at the wrong time? wrote Devan Sipher of the New York Times' Vows section. The article that followed, http://nyti.ms/fme21W, elicited many an angry response, the story about a couple that met when each was married to someone else.

“The part that’s hard for people to believe is we didn’t have an affair,” Ms. Riddell said. “I didn’t want to sneak around and sleep with him on the side. I wanted to get up in the morning and read the paper with him." The Times article states that the new bride, Carol Anne Riddell, has a background in television. She was a reporter and anchor for WNBC in New York and whether you think she is a moral individual who was simply married to the wrong person initially or a home-wrecker because she, and her new husband, John Partilla, left their respective spouses for each other, one (I believe the one who knew about the importance of media, personally) or both wanted their story told.

It is natural to desire a platform of expression when one feels misunderstood. It is also natural for one to desire that same platform when feeling guilty, angry or even vengeful towards those who have ostracized him or her. Ms. Riddell and Mr. Partilla told the New York Times they had been "ostracized" by members of their community for their unconventional love affair. Now, Ms. Riddell and Mr. Partilla want their happy ending - They have entered into their union tensely, leaving others in their wake (the ex-spouses and children) with a trail of broken glass to collect and sweep up. They have entered into their marriage with challenges, looking over their shoulders as a community remains outraged or simply bored or looking for gossip and the company of another's misery. But Ms. Riddell and Mr. Partilla don't want to be the company. They want the words "Happily Ever After" etched onto their minivan as their blended family drives off harmoniously into the suburban sunset, leaving Manhattan, with all its pettiness, in the dust.

What Ms. Riddell and Mr. Partilla did not realize until after they told their version of the story, was how the public would not see that the end justified the means. They did not fully consider that the public would not share their views on how extremely unreasonable their critics were. The public would not think "all is fair in love and war" or "They found their soul mates and they were obviously with the wrong people initially."

Ms. Ridell's ex-husband issued his own statements to the media after the Times story broke. He told Forbes that he was not consulted about the New York Times piece and he considers it unfair because his children were featured - and that is his main objection. Of course, he was able to get in a clever jab in the process about the article having been a "choreographed self-serving piece of history." Can we blame the man? He was cuckolded (whether or not Riddell was actually having a physical affair during their marriage, an emotional one took place) and his family was torn apart right under his nose. The two families used to vacation together and the exes had no idea what was brewing between Riddell and Partilla. And then one day, after a duration of vacillating on Padilla's part, the two broke up their marriages for good and got together. And now that they are married, they want the world to know: "We are in love. We may have hurt people in the process, but we've got the real deal. We were married to the wrong people before, so stop ostracizing us, start realizing that WE are meant to be and our love story is a beautiful one."

But then came the comments in the New York Times, 129 of them to be exact, and Ms. Riddell and Mr. Partilla were not prepared for more outrage and criticism than they had already endured. Their happy ending would not be attained through public validation and yes, their happy ending would remain tainted by public disapproval, scorn, shock and dismay.

Ms. Riddell, having worked in media and Mr. Partilla, a CEO who is often coached by PR teams on how to speak with the media, were no strangers to the concept of Public Relations.

Unfortunately, their attempt to salvage their reputations just put them further on the line.

The Things You Wouldn't Say (...Someone Else Would)

2010-12-21T06:19:00.000-08:00

Tact is not something inherent. It is a learned response. It is a part of politeness that can be honed at a really young age from the focus of your environs.

One of my earliest memories involves a cringe-worthy moment for my mother, when I turned to a man in an elevator and said “You shouldn’t smoke, it’s bad for you.” While a true point, it’s not something I would say now to a perfect stranger. I remember my mother’s anxiously polite response (as well as the man’s), the smiles and the chirpy laugh, her trying to cover up for the brash 4 year old.

I was cute enough to get away with it then.

But as we approach 4 decades since, I’ve noticed that some of my acquaintances choose their words carefully while others seem to have what is known as “no filter.”

It’s not cute today.

The things you wouldn’t say, someone else would.

I remember that when I was pregnant a neighbor came over to me at the community recreation center and exclaimed “You’re gonna bust right out of that shirt. You sure you should be that big for 5 months pregnant?”

While I contemplated launching a maternity line with snappy comebacks (“MYOB: Mind Your Own Belly” and “Hands off!” sprang to mind), I saw during that time how free people are to say things with no foresight about what might be hurtful (and if you’ve ever been pregnant, you know about sensitivity and why that line annoyed me!).

Words that could potentially put Kleenex out of business are often the result of a moment of verbal (and perhaps cranial) diarrhea.

On the other hand, it is not always possible to predict what might be hurtful to others and what strikes one as an innocent comment may bear more weight to the recipient of the comment. I upset a friend a few years ago by sharing a dream that I had about her. We’ve all upset somebody by saying something that we thought did not bear much weight, but I would say that if you have a doubt in your mind, take out that filter and try to separate the wheat from the chafe, that is, let your mind do the thinking before your mouth does the talking.

Let's be real about Aging

2010-12-18T14:51:00.000-08:00

Let's face it: If you're alive, you're aging. The term "anti-aging," if you're being literal, denotes "death." As my friends at Suracell, makers of the DNA-based nutritional supplement, would say: "healthier aging" should be our focus rather than "anti-aging."

We all would like ample energy, to put Will Shortz to shame with our stamina for Sunday crosswords, or to be able to walk on our hands (well, some of us). But my friends - as young as mid 20s - live in fear of wrinkles and brown spots, under-eye circles deepening and skin losing its elasticity.

20 and 30 year old women dominate sales for anti-aging products. And every company touts its own claim, though plastic surgeons will tell you there's no substitute for Botox, Juvederm or an eye-lift.

Just like Nora Ephron felt bad about her neck, I end up feeling bad - despite joking - after having conversations with friends about the inevitability of change and the superficial concerns related to aging. I once said jokingly to my husband "What do I have to fall back on when I'm old?" Of course I was being extremely silly, but the reality is we're not all going to be youthfully pretty or youthfully cute forever.

Does the man joking around with me in the elevator do so because he detects my keen intellect? Does the stranger behind me in line offer to pay for my coffee because he sees me as righteous?

But do I want to appreciate my grandchildren, God willing, with a face that can smile, crinkle and show them that I love them? Yes. Do I want to relinquish the powerful hold of vanity one day so that I can finally, fully appreciate the things that matter most in the world?

It is hard to answer that right now as I sit here among Oil of Olay, ROC cream and antioxidants.

But what I can tell you is this: The crease forming between my brows and anything else you're discerning eye detects tells of my worries, my laughter, my relief, my feelings of love, my feelings of angst, my triumphs, my introspection, my reflection, my sympathy, my empathy and the joy that I get from people who have touched my life.

It tells you and me that I've got something to "fall back on" after all.

Life is Beautiful

2010-12-14T08:02:00.000-08:00

A blossoming socialite posted on Facebook yesterday "Why is everybody so angry today...life is beautiful." I was immediately reminded of Roberto Benigni who starred and directed in the movie by that name. His charm and hilarity won over audiences far and wide and despite being a lengthy film loaded with subtitles, we could all watch it again and again and again. Benigni's character in the film saw that despite a Holocaust and the tremendous hardships his family faced, he had to keep his sense of humor and as long as he was alive, he was going to see life as beautiful and no other way.

Life is beautiful. Or it can be. It wasn't for Edwin Arlington Robinson's subject Richard Cory in the poem by that name. He seemed to be everyone's dream guy and then he went home and shot a bullet through his head. And in recent news, it wasn't for Mark Madoff, son of the disgraced immoral and imprisoned financier Bernie Madoff, who met the same tragic demise.

Someone recently was angry at me and wouldn't let me know. She lambasted me to all who would hear her complaints far and wide while keeping the source of her angst from me completely. I tried to get to the bottom of her passive aggressiveness (after all, I have passed her on numerous occasions and she hasn't even mentioned to me that she is angry. I once wrote her an email asking if she could let me know why she is aloof when she sees me, but got no response).

My response to her is: Make life beautiful. Let it go. And if you are so upset with me, come talk to me and I will make things right, or try to. We can talk, I can admit and accept my mistakes and hopefully we can move on. I'm sorry you feel the way you do, but life is beautiful. Can we abide by that one rule? Can we make it a constant? Can we ensure that it holds true?

I'm sorry if I've done you any wrong, but anger is like litter on a busy street - newspaper parts, wrappers and other trash thoughtlessly strewn about.

Let's clean it up and make our streets shine.

My article that appeared on Huffington Post

2010-12-13T05:40:00.000-08:00

Following is an article that I wrote that is front and center on the Huffington Post religion page at the moment. I've kept it with my original title:

That’s between God and me…& my endocrinologist by Shira Hirschman Weiss

Dr. L. tilted the screen my way and I saw three fully developed sacks.

“Congratulations, you’re pregnant!”

And then some, I thought.

I had a terrible feeling that I was going to explode. Yes, just full on explode because there was no way that I could carry 3 human beings. There was also no way that I could carry all three to term when my last child had been born premature, and there was no way that I could be pregnant with three healthy babies, not after what I’d been through...

I had tried to conceive before. The first time, I was 28, and somehow I’d gotten pregnant naturally. This was surprising because doctors had predicted that I would need “help” due to irregular ovulation. That pregnancy was happily uneventful and I made it to term with a beautiful baby boy. I thought “The doctors were wrong, no fertility issues here,” but I could not predict that that sort of luck was a one shot deal, that in order to have a second child I would trek to a Manhattan fertility doctor each morning (stellar reputation, packed waiting room). I would eventually get pregnant after the doctor screened 18 embryos in an IVF procedure and out of the impressive array, only one embryo, “Number 17,” was deemed healthy.

Despite being a month premature, “Number 17” was born a healthy baby boy at 6 pounds, 11 ounces. We wrapped him up and brought him home.

“I’m done,” I told my husband months later as I packed up my maternity-wear, baby toys and clothing and gave them all away. We bought a house that was perfect for a family of four. I had a serious hernia operation and went on birth control. I babied my second son as I thought sadly “This is it. I will never have another baby.”

But in my mind, I was questioning God. “Could we do it and have 3?

Halfheartedly, I went to see Dr. L., a fertility doctor in New Jersey, my side of the bridge this time and 5 minutes from my house. Miraculously, I found his waiting room to be empty. While this was comforting, it was also discomfiting. I wondered about the doctor’s success rates. On the other hand, I really didn’t know if I wanted to get pregnant. I was going to meet with him and see what he was all about, see if I liked him and take it from there. I felt guilty about “taking up his time” when so many other women were trying to get pregnant, but then my guilt was alleviated by the fact that he seemed to have time for me.

I discussed my history with Dr. L. and we agreed that my case was a tough one, that I would probably have to undergo IVF and PGD (Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis) again, that there was a chance now that I was older, that none of my embryos would be healthy.

We agreed that there were plenty of couples trying for their first child and that - in my own words - I wasn’t going to waste his time. If at first I didn’t succeed, that was it - I was blessed to have 2 children.

“Well, your insurance fully covers IUI, do you want to try it?” he asked.

It won’t work, I told him, having little faith that it would. IUI is the less intensive process of self-injected hormones followed by insemination. It hadn’t worked in the past and not knowing whether I wanted that third child or not, I thought it was a safe bet. I wouldn’t get pregnant, and then, as my husband and I had agreed, and as Dr. L and I had agreed, I wouldn’t try again. We were testing fate.

We’re leaving this one up to you, God.

After only a week of self-injected hormones followed by insemination and a two week wait to see if the process had took, I had managed to get pregnant. I was now lying on an examination table looking, fully in shock, at three embryonic sacks on an ultrasound. Given my history, Dr. L. gave me the name of a high-risk OB who would conduct testing to determine if the fetuses were healthy and would talk to me about something that no parent should have to think about, whether or not I would choose to carry all three.

I knew the risks with triplets and I knew that prematurity and mortality rates rose, especially in the case of a prior premature birth. I was also scared for my own life, knowing friends who had suffered preeclampsia while carrying twins and almost died when their organs began shutting down. I worried that carrying triplets was not only a risk to all the babies involved, but to my self.

“Selective reduction” is a partial abortion, the practice of reducing the number of fetuses in a multi-fetal pregnancy. Despite all the risks involved in this pregnancy, I didn’t know if I could go through with the reduction. Although I am a religious Jew, this was not about religion but an issue of moral conscience.

I didn’t know who to turn to. When I spoke to my dad, a pediatrician, he agreed that there were tremendous risks in carrying triplets, especially when there’s prior history of premature birth. When I spoke to Dr. L., he was supportive of reduction. When I consulted with the new high risk OB, he didn’t want to sway me in any one direction, which made it more difficult. He did lay out the risks in no uncertain terms, but he also said that there were risks with reduction. I could lose the other two babies following a reduction and I was also at risk for early labor, but with a triplet pregnancy I was already at risk for early labor. I was in a never ending, difficult loop-de-loop of decisions.

I consulted with a friend, a mom of 3 year old twins who had reduced from triplets during her pregnancy. She had no regrets and I heard of many others who had had similar experiences.

I’m not sure how I ended up calling a rabbi but it was a mistake. I was looking to him to reassure me about reduction. He was referred to me by a friend as “the rabbinic expert in fertility matters,” Turns out, he knew bubkus.

“I don’t know who told you it was, but this is not my area of expertise,” he said, “I have to consult with another rabbi and get back to you.”

I waited and heard nothing. Then as we were nearing the week when the reduction would have to take place, he called.

“I know that you’re worried about money,” he said.

“What? I’m not worried about money. What do you mean?”

“Well, you have 2 other children. It’s a lot, I understand.”

“This is not about the money,” I stressed, “this is about health. My second son arrived at 36 weeks.”

“All of my kids arrived before 36 weeks,” he said, “It’s really not so premature, it doesn’t concern me.”

“Well, it concerns me,” I said, quite peeved, realizing I had consulted the wrong rabbi.

“Anyway,” he concluded, “My answer is that I don’t have an answer. I consulted with a colleague and we don’t know what to tell you.”

Luckily, I am a person who realizes that rabbis are not deities. They are human beings. Some of them are tremendously giving and caring human beings and some, to put it simply, will piss you off.

I called a different rabbi, one that I personally love who presides over my synagogue, and briefed him on the situation.

He asked me a few questions in response: “What does your doctor say? How do you feel about the risks of carrying a triplet pregnancy versus the risks of a reduction? What do you feel in your heart is right?”

He explained the other rabbi’s answer to me quite simply:

When a rabbi says he doesn’t have an answer, there is your answer.

It dawned on me: This was now my decision to make.

After genetically testing the fetuses and only being able to get results for two (that were deemed healthy), we decided that there had to be a reason we were not getting results for the third. We reduced that fetus and I cried during the procedure, knowing that forever I would wonder:

Had I made the right decision?

My twin boys were born 2 months premature, which is typically laden with a lot of risks, but thank God and my high risk OB, they were born with strong lungs. They stayed in the hospital for one month and then we brought them home. Although they started out at under 4 pounds each, today at a year old, they are robust and sufficiently on the growth charts. They babble, say a few words, and interact with one another and with us. The older of the two (by a minute) just began walking and his younger twin is not far behind. Their development is totally on par for their corrected and their actual age.

Despite being a busy mother of 4 boys ranging from 8 to a year, I have time to think and reflect: We had been able to see one thing about the reduced fetus on the screen prior to reduction - He was also a boy. While I’m glad to have known that about him, I am sad that I never got to know him. What would he have been like? Did I do something terrible or did I save my other 2 children?

After the twins’ premature arrival, doctors had said not to regret the reduction. They explained that triplets would have arrived even earlier. Many triplets have not made it for this reason, and, severe prematurity can lead to severe problems, such as lung issues and extreme learning disabilities. But then I think: Well, maybe the doctors would’ve taken the right measures to ensure that I carried them as long as possible. I would have been given special medicines or my cervix would have been sewn up…

While there are so many possibilities, I have to stop myself from this vicious loop-de-loop of over-thinking. I can not wonder “what if.”

This is the path that I chose, while trusting in God, an endocrinologist, a high risk OB, and a rabbi, who encouraged me to follow my heart.

Fa La La, Ho Ho Ho, Why (& On WHAT) Are We Spending So Much Dough?!

2010-12-07T06:40:00.000-08:00

'Tis the season to be jolly...and light in the wallet.

The American Consumer Credit Counsel estimates that the average American spends $935 on Christmas each year and carries an average credit card debt of $8562.

It seems to me that there's greater incentive to buy this year, due to an increase in deals and savings. Prices are key during a recession and retailers know to lower them. Although bottled water sales may have decreased since the economic downturn (not that bottled water is ever given as a gift), discounted gadgets, gift cards, CDs and games for kids will continue to sell and yield significant profit for retailers and e-tailers. Americans seem to be buying more than ever before because massively slashed prices have them salivating.

Here's what the blog 24/7 Wall Street (247wallst.com) has to say about the surprising top 10 big sellers on Amazon.com (courtesy of reporters Douglas A. McIntyre, Michael Sauter, Charles Stockdale, and Ashley Allen). I was surprised to see that this is what Americans are spending their money on in 2010, especially the George Bush part. You'll see what I mean:

"1) Toys & Games

Scrabble Flash Cubes by Hasbro

It’s amazing that the hottest toy on Amazon is loosely based on a 72-year-old classic board game for aspiring wordsmiths. Stores for kids such as Toys-R-Us may be suffering as adults buy games and toys online.

2) Electronics

Digital Media Devices - Apple TV MC572LL/A (2010)

Although Apple TV has only been available for a short time, it has already spent 26 days on Amazon’s list of top 100 best-selling electronics. It is currently ranked as the thirteenth best-selling electronic device and is the top-selling digital media device. The product’s increasingly positive reviews, along with the fact that Roku, another streaming digital media device, is right behind it in sales, suggests that media consumption is moving away from the DVD, hurting stores that sell the new devices and old DVD Blu-ray players.

3) Books

George Bush’s “Decision Points”

George Bush’s autobiography beat out a lot of top-selling books, including three popular Steig Larssen novels about a girl kicking things and Keith Richards’ autobiography. Traditional print, and the stores that sell them like Barnes & Noble, are expected to continue to suffer this holiday season as e-books rise in popularity. This only leaves the stores the market for brand new hardcover books – a market Amazon does not seem to be leaving.

4) Electronics – Cellphones With Service

BlackBerry Pearl 8130 with Sprint

Considering the direction BlackBerry phones are taking in the smartphone market, it is surprising the BlackBerry Pearl beats out many popular devices, including the Google Android phones like HTC’s Incredible and Motorola’s Droid phones. A trend of buying smartphones online should hurt bricks-and mortar franchises – in this case, the Sprint store.

5) Sports and Outdoors – Clothing and Accessories

Indianapolis Colts Classic, Adjustable Baseball Hat

Sportswear with team logos is always popular around the holidays, especially as football season approaches its peak. Sporting goods stores including Sports Authority rely on gift items such as team hats and coats to boost December sales. Amazon’s strength in this category comes at their expense.

6) Home & Garden - Large Appliances

Electronic Wine Bottle Opener

With regards to large home and garden appliances, Amazon’s most popular item is the Oster Electric Wine-Bottle Opener. The item removes corks in seconds, and can open up to 30 bottles on a single charge, making it a crucial tool for big parties where there’s lots of “holiday cheer.”

7) Pet Supplies

Hide-A-Squirrel Puzzle Toy for Dogs by Kygen

When one thinks of pet supplies they think of dog food, leashes, kitty litter and bird seed. Toys, it would seem, beats all of these. PetSmart and other pet supplies stores are being hurt by general big box retailers such as Walmart and Target, which offer many of the same products at deep discounts. Online sales of specialized pet products will hurt them more.

8) Music

Susan Boyle: The Gift

While CD sales continue to plummet, they still make up a meaningful part of sales at book and music stores like Borders. The fact that a runner-up on “Britain’s Got Talent” has the number one selling CD on Amazon and the number 23 album on iTunes suggests that the pop music market is moving away from sales at stores altogether.

9) Video Games

Just Dance 2

Video games are no longer just for role-playing-gamers and first-person shooters. “Just Dance 2″ for Nintendo’s Wii is the best-selling video game on Amazon. Controlled by the Wii’s movement recognition system, the game has players dancing to hit songs for points. The game’s popularity on Amazon translates to a loss of business, however, for gaming stores such as GameStop and electronics stores such as Best Buy.

10) Magazines – Magazines & Newspapers

Popular Science (1-year auto-renewal)

Popular Science is the 66th largest magazine in circulation, according to The Association of Magazine Media. Surprisingly, it is the number one selling magazine on Amazon for one-year subscriptions. Perhaps this popularity is the result of a renewed interest in science and technology, or perhaps it’s because gift givers have simply run out of ideas. Regardless, the purchase of magazines online hurts companies which sell magazines at news stands, such as Hudson Group."

So after learning about the above, I would say that it makes sense that "practical" gifts are selling. For instance, children need toys (or so I've been led to believe by my own children), but an electronic wine bottle opener and a puzzle for dogs...

Well, who am I to judge? (I don't even own a dog.)

When I presented my husband with an iPod speaker from Brookstone this Hanukkah, I thought "pretty cool, techy yet not too techy, and he uses an iPod." Then he informed me that he doesn't listen to music on his iPod and I should return it. (You'd think I would know his iPod habits after cohabitating for nearly a decade, but I was completely in the dark on that one.)

He summed up my thoughts on this whole gift-giving season:

"Gifts are fun, but sometimes, they're unnecessary."

Coming Together for Ilan Tocker: How a community, a comedian & social media are helping a victim of brain trauma and his family

2010-12-06T07:45:00.000-08:00

It was supposed to be a fun getaway in Atlantic City. But then Ilan Tocker, a hardworking father of four, on break from work with his business partner, felt faint and passed out on a marble floor. Life as he knew it changed forever.

It was the day after the Jewish fast Tisha B’av, July 21st, and his wife had been vacationing at Beaver Lake Estates for the summer with their four children when she got the call. Told little about what happened and in a state of shock, she left the kids with relatives and rushed immediately to his bedside.

After assessing the brain trauma, doctors gave Tocker a less than 10 percent chance of survival. They said that if he did make it through massive surgery, he'd most likely end up in a vegetative state. But what ensued two weeks later would defy predictions and documented medical history; Tocker was alive and conscious. Now, after undergoing several operations, including one to re-attach his skull, he is making slow, daily strides towards recovery. With physical therapy, he is walking and talking, despite greater difficulty than ever before, and most impressively, he is acing card games, games that he has always played with his wife and children and which require skill. The doctors that reviewed his CT Scan are astounded by the leaps and bounds made by this victim of severe brain trauma - and even more so, by one who was not expected to live.

Friends and family say that it is not only because he's a "medical marvel," but due in large part to the Five Towns Jewish community who immediately banded together and spread the word to pray for "Tzvi Ilan ben Gitta" worldwide. They have also helped to organize and execute fundraisers to aid the Tockers with their astronomical medical care fees.

There was the Beaver Lake Cookbook which was compiled by a group at Beaver Lake Estates to raise funds for the Tockers; 600 copies were sold and $16,000 was raised. The Arba Minim Fundraiser in Cedarhurst came next, where religious artifacts sold for the holiday of Sukkot, and which raised $7,ooo. Simultaneously, children held Cookies for a Cause, selling refreshments at the Arba Minim Fundraiser - They raised $180. On the other side of the Hudson, Cookies for a Cause caught on and Jersey kids raised $600.

Other fundraising events included the "Tocker Tournament" (basketball) in NJ and a Ping Pong Tournament in the 5 Towns.

Next up: the most anticipated and biggest event to date, Elon for Ilan. This Wednesday night December 8th, the Jewish stand-up comedian Elon Gold will be performing at no cost to raise funds for The Ilan Tocker Foundation, formed by family and friends to fund Tocker’s care. Gold, in addition to a long-standing career in stand-up, starred in the television sitcoms Stacked (which he co-produced) and In-Laws, and most recently has appeared on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

Ilan Tocker still has a long way to go towards recovery, but he is aware of just how much people in the 5 Towns, and around the world, are doing for him. He knows what transpired this past summer. He knows that his family and friends have formed The Ilan Tocker Foundation and he has told his wife, his sister-in-law and he states in a video to be unveiled at "Elon for Ilan," that he is thankful and touched by the Five Towns Jewish community and the Jewish community at large.

There is another interesting element to this story: the way social media and the people behind Facebooking, Twittering and blogging about Ilan Tocker have brought worldwide attention to his story. In what seems like an inexplicable development, women in Jerusalem, who heard about Tocker, have been baking challah for his recovery (this is often considered a "segulah," a good omen, for one’s recovery). People like Michal Weinstein, a vivacious and gregarious web designer and regular social media user, have been instrumental in raising funds for Tocker’s medical care costs.

Prior to the Ilan Tocker Foundation, Weinstein hosted her share of private events and is admired in the community for an effervescence mixed with kindness unique to those passionate about helping others. She organized the compilation of the Beaver Lake Cookbook and since its inception, posts daily on Facebook and Twitter about the foundation. Weinstein also came up with the concept of Elon for Ilan after seeing the comedian perform this past summer.

Gold himself had heard about Ilan Tocker through emails circulating the web-o-sphere and had been urged to pray for him. When he got the call asking him to perform, he did not even hesitate to commit to the event pro bono.

"It started as an idea we thought would never happen," Weinstein says. "Elon Gold would have to agree to do it at little or no cost and since he probably gets asked to do this kind of stuff all the time and lives in LA, we figured we had no chance. Once he agreed to do it for free, we gathered a small group of people together. Within a week or two the committee just grew to thirty. Each person offered their own form of talent, connection, ideas...We were hoping to sell 250 tickets and within 2 weeks we sold out and had to switch venues."

Weinstein explains that the committee is made up of many different ages and groups. Some are best friends with the Tockers, others have never met them. But what everyone has in common is the desire to help this Jewish family.

"The tickets are not cheap at $180 yet it seems our entire community has shown support by buying tickets. More than a dozen families have gone so far as to sponsor the event by giving $1800. This is why we already have raised 55K before even selling raffles which we anticipate will bring in a lot more."

Weinstein is blown away by it all, as is the entire committee she helped to form. "Each endeavor we have made to raise money, be it the cookbook or the other fundraisers, has been met with such enthusiasm and generosity. It truly shows the very positive side of the Five Towns Jewish community and beyond."

To find out more about The Ilan Tocker Foundation and Elon for Ilan, visit http://www.ilantockerfoundation.com/

Undereye Bags, Dark Cirlces and Puffs: Part I, The "Mystery Guest"

2010-12-03T11:36:00.000-08:00

Last year, I used a prescription regimen, Tretenoin cream (.02%) mixed with Obagi Lightener( hydroquinone) to diminish the look of undereye bags and circles. The good news: It made a huge improvement. The bad? It dried out my skin.

Due to the latter, I'm currently on a break from that routine. I've just begun using an antioxidant serum that also contains retinol (an ingredient that somewhat mimics Tretenoin, otherwise known as Retin-A), and so far, so good, but I'm always seeking out the ideal way to target the undereye region.

In a week or two, a mystery guest will address what we can do to target the undereye area - from the inside out. You guessed it; Your diet very well may have something to do what's going on around the eyes, in addition to (and more powerfully than) what can be applied topically. Of course, this mystery guest will also address topical treatments and the ingredients that are most powerful.

So talk about amongst yourselves and try to guess who this "mystery guest" is. I can't wait for this person to weigh in!

Blogging From a Blackberry

2010-12-01T17:08:00.001-08:00

I remember the olden days. When a TRS-80 was the family computer before the excitement of the Apple. When you had to find a pay phone (do they still exist?) if you were stuck. When a call cost a dime. When "Typing" was the only class I failed. When, subsequent to failing, I typed with 2 fingers. When I got my first email address...

Not only have I mastered the art of "ASDFJKL;" since then, I am currently "blogging from a blackberry." This is something I would never have conceived of 15 years ago.

I was amazed to see a colleague tap out an email with 2 fingers the other day. We need to move quicker, I thought, wondering how in the world she's so successful, realizing all the while how much I (and the world) has changed.

My son was on a laptop at age 2. At almost 8 years of age, he can type faster than he can write. High school and college students lug laptops to class for note-taking. How do they doodle and come up with their best artwork like we did?

I remember when a toy programmed with Bill Cosby's voice was excitement, now kids are asking for DSIs, DSIXLs, Wiis, XBox's, Leapsters and Leapster2s.

Every kid over the age of 7 seems to have a cell phone these days. I remember my highly coveted "car phone" in the 90s; All my friends were envious but my parents lived in fear of my breaking down on the highway in the "Blue Ick" (a Buick with non-working defrosters plus too many issues to recount).

We've certainly come a long way, but I can't see myself replacing a good old fashioned book with an eReader like the Nook or Kindle. I'm not curling up with something that won't fold and I just can't take a computer to bed, call me old fashioned...

Or don't. Because here I am blogging from a blackberry when the power in my house is out from a storm.

Whatever shall the kids do today? No Wii, no TV, no Internet. They'll probably have to do what we did...whatever it was we did (?)...

in the olden days.

Will You Be My "Friend"?

2010-11-29T15:08:00.000-08:00

Facebook has redefined the word "Friend." According to the site, I have 531 such individuals and that number keeps changing. Should I believe the site when I only speak to three people per week other than family? Don't get me wrong - I am thankful to be connected with so many incredible individuals and to learn about new people every day. Some of these "friends"are folks that I've worked with or met briefly, like the woman on the airplane or the man who referred a project my way. This makes sense when you think about it since Facebook is a "social networking site," but maybe we should bear in mind that the old definition of the word no longer applies.

Socialite Esther Silber, who is sometimes referred to as "Coco" or "Esther Coco Silber," has 1,450 friends on Facebook. I heard about her when a Facebook group formed petitioning her return to the site amidst a brief hiatus. Her goal was to concentrate her creative energies elsewhere, but the group succeeded and reeled her back in. Known for intriguing updates about event planning (her business is Esther Inc., http://www.estherincny.com/, and she was the one who threw the Purim bash with Snooki and Mr. Big!) and her to-die-for social life and fashion sense, people who don't actually know her would like to. I too admit it is like a fascination with TMZ or Perez Hilton reading her page, except that given her background, she could have gone to my Jewish schools and therefore, for me, she's relatable!

Silber doesn't know many of her "friends" but she does meet a hell of a lot of people in her business and constant travels. She is also a philanthropist and has used Facebook to spread the word about charitable organizations and a triathlon she ran to raise funds for Israeli terror victims. She was recently mentioned in the New York Post when Henry Kissinger hit on her at the Four Seasons - Many of her Facebook friends commented on the article online, like one who wrote "I know Esther very well and not only is she beautiful outside but she is more beautiful inside." Now that's a socialite who not only has helped to redefine "friend" but "socialite."

I am personally thankful to have so many "friends" on Facebook. I really am. I've always thought of myself as entirely unphotogenic, so it's definitely ego-boosting to hear "Great picture!" or (less preferable) "glad you chopped off the mullet!" Friends are also there to listen to your rants - I mean "status updates" - and your raves (SUs again), or when there's no one else to look at the mobile pic of your chiauhaha/goldfish or the raccoons in your backyard. Inevitably, someone will comment and make your day hunky dory.

Here's what comedian Elon Gold had to say about our Facebook relations: "..With the press of a button, kids have friends nixing power. To accept or ignore, that is the question of the day. Rejecting is mean. Ignoring, that's just soul crushing!"

To the girl from high school who ignored my friend request, you know who you are, and I agree with Elon. And it's not just kids today - We elderly folks are also on Facebook. When one hits "ignore," another ends up feeling like an idiot (and hey, what did I do to you anyway, beeyotch?!). Perhaps the word "kids" is key here - We end up reverting to childlike behavior when we become virtual snobs.

While I think we certainly have a right to be discerning (remember that story about the Facebook robbery? Someone posted they would be away and one of their "friends" ended up burgling the house), there's no need to act haughty online. Esther Silber is a great example of someone who embraces folks from all walks of life on Facebook. We're glad she abandoned that hiatus. When she ran her triathlon months ago, the charity she supported received numerous substantial donations online and raised thousands from the people who admire her from afar.

It literally pays to be nice.

...And the Winner is...!

2010-11-18T18:30:00.000-08:00

Who Knew? I actually have readers.

Being that this blog is not niche-specific, I was really excited that my first contest met with incredible response.

I had asked you, my readers, to send me stories of your funniest kitchen faux pas. Unfortunately, I (and I enlisted a small team to help me, so "we") could only choose one winner from a handful of entries.

There was a story about oatmeal cookies...sans oatmeal, baking soda being used instead of baking powder, and baking powder used instead of baking soda - all to devastating culinary consequences.

I really loved how one reader was making a cholent (an old fashioned Jewish stew that requires potatoes and beans as well as meat, unless one is vegetarian) and couldn't figure out where the potatoes were, only to find them the next morning...soaking in her kitchen sink.

My own personal faux pas was when I came up with the concept of "Peanut Butter Chicken." Let's just say my husband has never let me live that one down. That's the least of it; He always jokes "Don't burn the toast" and inevitably, I always do. Add waffles, fish sticks or anything I've put in the toaster to the mix.

Based on so many of my own past experiences, I could completely relate to Rivka Breuer when she wrote in a faux pas that involved following a recipe and an error that boiled down to semantics:

When I first got married, I had no idea what the recipe was for making cholent. I asked an experienced friend for one, and she happily shared it. I followed the recipe exactly, but couldn't understand why the flavor of garlic was so enormously strong....until I figured out that a "clove" of garlic was only a tiny section, and not the entire bulb- I had used 4 (count em) 4 entire bulbs of garlic, thinking that I was using 4 cloves! Thank goodness we had no company that week, and my husband as always ate it without any complaints, as he still does with all of my cooking, 11 years later!

Rivka, your husband's a smart man - and I'll be sending him some Peanut Butter Chicken!

Just kidding - I will be sending you a copy of Jamie Geller's new book "Quick & Kosher Meals in Minutes from the Bride Who Knew Nothing."

In Jamie's first book, the 07 hit "Quick & Kosher Recipes from the Bride Who Knew Nothing" she shares many of her own hilarious kitchen mishaps as she goes from busy TV producer to Orthodox Jewish wife striving to be a balabusta. And although she knows a little something this time around, three years later, she continues to share those types of stories in her new book. In fact, you can catch a great one about the "snowman cake" she made for her husband in the forward of her new book. But I'm not giving anything away - Buy the book and read it for yourself!

Lucky you, Rivka: As the winner of this contest, I'm sending it your way. Happy Chanukah!

DISCLAIMER: I conduct public relations for Jamie Geller and the "Quick & Kosher" series by Jamie Geller.

...You're Welcome for Saying 'Thank You'

2010-11-17T15:29:00.000-08:00

Have you forgotten to thank someone today? In all likelihood, yes, you have forgotten to thank someone. You may have no idea until it’s revealed to you later on, or you may never find out – and in that case...be thankful.

I was just informed today that someone was expecting a 'thank you' email from me. I didn’t realize a “thank you” was in order quite honestly, but maybe that makes me what one would call “inconsiderate.” You see, what he was expecting that ‘thank you’ for is what others would consider unnecessary. In fact, had I sent that ‘thank you’ that he expected to others, it would go right into their “Deleted Items” box.

Don’t even get me started on “Thank You Notes.” I can’t remember what Aunt Masha got me for my bat mitzvah, or whether Uncle Max gave me a “generous gift” or expensive dishes for my wedding. Some people hone in on those details. They issue out their thank you notes immediately and keep track of who got them what and more specifically, who didn’t get them what. But do I get any thanks for not keeping track of these things and therefore, being equally kind and wonderful to everyone? No! Instead, I get the calls saying “where is my ‘thank you’ note?”

I knew I would be very busy once I had twins so I issued a statement to the masses (AKA: friends and relatives) ahead of time like a press release to the media: “I will probably be too busy to send thank you notes, but that doesn’t mean that your gift isn’t appreciated. It truly is, so thank you in advance.”

In that vein, perhaps I’ll also add this permanent signature to my emails from now on:

Thank you, Gracias, Grazie, Todah, Merci, Danke, A shaynem dank, Shukran , Do je , Hvala , Dìkuji , Tak , Aitäh, Vinaka, Salamat, Kiitos , Efcharisto, Mahalo, Shukriya, Terima Kasih, Domo , Kamsa hamnida, Gratia, Achiu , Xie xie, Takk , Aguije, Dziêkujê, Obrigado, Hvala ,Mulþumesc, Asante, Tack , Khop Khun Krab, Ca’m on, Jerejef, Diolch , Maita Henyu!

Shira Weiss

Coming Out of the Closet: "I'm a Clotheshorse"

2010-11-15T14:04:00.000-08:00

"I've never seen you wear the same thing twice," said my friend Marshall when I was 25.

I must have thought I was a budding socialite at the time, unable to stop myself when I passed Bar-Ami's and other expensive Upper West Side stores and boutiques. I was obsessed with great looking clothes. One of my friends from back then, 11 years ago, recently commented about a faux-fur collared sweater I wore, and I thought to myself, "That would really be in style now, where is it?" But bringing you to the reality of my present life: Why would I wear that now?

You see, today I am much more practical because I can't afford to live from paycheck to paycheck as I did back then. I have a family, school tuition to pay and don't even get me started on the weekly drugstore expenses for diapers, wipes and baby food and then some...

Today, I have a closet full of beautiful clothing - most items from before I had kids - and they are also beautifully preserved. They play scarecrow in my closet until the anniversary when my husband takes me out, the appropriate work meeting or the rare party. But mostly, in the closet they stay because I need to change diapers, get drooled on, play in the backyard with my older kids...you get the drill.

I've thought of consigning some of my duds, but I'm worried that I'll miss them, that one day I'll need that Nanette Lepore silk jacket (though I haven't worn since a 2000 wedding). I'll long for that Cache sequined shirt once the babies realize they can not eat the sequins. I'll need those uncomfortably, lethally pointy-toed silver shoes because I plan to wear them with jeans (So far, in the 4 years that I've owned them, I've only done it once). I need that Moda International tweed duster that could pass for Chanel - because how many items do you know of that can truly pass for Chanel? I should hold on to those 15 scarves that I can't figure out how to knot in that casual celebrity style (how do they do it?!). And the Lord & Taylor brown suede skirt, the uncharacteristically inexpensive one that was a manufacturing reject due to improper sizing? Well, maybe I'll wear that one day too and it will look right.

Having watched those hoarder shows on TLC, I realize that could be me. I can't seem to part with certain items in my closet. One day, it will be practical to wear things that babies might soil with spit-up, vomit, poop and dirt. So, I started making lists of which skirts to pair with which tops, which trousers to pair with which sweaters, and so on. It may sound a bit nuts, but writing it down keeps me feeling organized.

And on that note, I could use a professional organizer to make my closet look like it belongs in Town & Country or In Style, and make me acknowledge what desperately needs to go.

I'll admit it: I am a clotheshorse. It must be in my genes because I'm constantly reminded of something my stylish grandmother would say:

"Don't get rid of anything. Everything comes back!"

The Brace

2010-11-14T08:20:00.000-08:00

As a new school year started, teachers debuted new haircuts and new curricula, leaves changed in the recess field, and in seventh grade, bra straps showed through diaphanous Ts. It was the pre-Claire Danes era of 1987, yet it was "my so-called life." I walked up the steps to my new classroom, ramrod straight lest my big plastic secret rear its ugly head. While former awkward ducklings turned into pre-pubescent swans around me, while retainers and headgears were discarded to the dismay of thriving orthodontists, while Accutane showed promise but still no risk, I remained The Outsider. In an oversized rugby, a cornstarched body underneath a cotton tanktop, to protect me from what was underneath all that - an underarm back brace - I prayed to be invisible.

I had been wearing the brace for a year now and I never stopped being on high alert, not for one iota of a millisecond.

"Hey Shira, what's that?" knock, knock. "Oh never mind, ha ha ha."The blood would rush to my face when I realized that the knocking was on my brace, and then I felt drained of that blood. I couldn't possibly stand any straighter to hide it. They knew. The taunts from "the clique" (our terms for the most popular girls and boys of the grade) were few because mostly they left me completely alone. Being seen speaking with me would be the social kiss of death. I was one of the nerds and not worthy of their time, so teasing carried risk to one's social status.

Then that summer I went to camp. The kids were different there. They thought I had beautiful eyes and told me so, they saw that I was sincere and kind and they saw me. Still, I couldn't seem to stand up straighter and sometimes, I would rebelliously stash the brace under my bed and leave the bunk without it just to be free. A weight was lifted during those times and I had to remind myself to act free and shake the stiffness. The other girls my age were wearing their first bras, so I too strategically placed my bra straps so they would show. I was a cool girl now and I was growing up with the rest of them.

But once fall started again, new teachers came in with new attitudes and the same students from the year before ignored me. It seemed that the teachers favored them for being pretty and having minds unmuddled by confidence issues. Those minds were the tabula rasa for excellent grades and those students exuded exclusivity.

Every Friday night, my mother reminded me that I had only one school year to go, that I would be entering high school soon, and, she reminded me, I still had to wear the brace. It was correcting my curvature of the spine - my "scoliosis" - and I was lucky because I would grow up to have a straight spine and great posture and not be an uncomfortable hunchback (she didn't actually say the last part, but I knew the implications of wearing the brace through its course). I literally wondered if I would make it to high school without killing myself first.

My grandmother cursed the "stinkin' rotten children" who were making me cry and I felt that she alone was my true ally. She knew bad times. After all, she had lived through the Great Depression. I compared my new bully, a male classmate who had begun the ritual of kicking me under the desk (hard!), to Adolf Hitler without worrying about the exaggeration, and we bonded some more.

I chose the high school that was furthest away, the one that nobody from my class was considering. I didn't pay attention to any other details about it except that it was the most remote and unlikely choice for a fellow classmate. While the new school had an ideology that was furthest from my own, I didn't care. I made friends and shortly after starting my first semester, I got great news: I only had to wear the brace at night. My secret could really be my secret now, no one had a chance of seeing it poke out in the rare moment when I forgot to stand robotically erect.

And then I found the boys. I was in an all girls school now, but I didn't let that stop me. I needed to make up for lost time, I needed to flirt and be admired and find out what the opposite sex really thought of me when they didn't know. There was definitely "a type" of boy and then eventually, young man, that I liked. In short: Asshole. It was time to make the boy who kicked me under the table sorry - It was time to make him see me for who I really was..

But unsurprisingly, that didn't really work out too well.

At 15, the brace was fully off, but I still felt braced, guarded, insecure. I wondered if the popular-seeming people found me interesting enough, and I wondered so much, my thinking was cloudy. I was blocked and some saw that I was blocked...and distanced themselves. And I did a little dance: withdraw, act free, withdraw, act free. I was inconsistent and puzzling to the people around me. Yet, I did make a few good friends, and eventually, I stopped caring about being popular and just focused on those great friendships. And then, I stopped thinking about how I was acting. And soon it wasn't acting, it was being. Eventually, I made many friends and more friendly acquaintances and I realized that once I had shed my consciousness of social status and of being popular, I actually was popular.

I also came to discover what a great relationship with a man consisted of - and although I continued to make mistakes in that department - off and on until I met my husband - I changed my tune...and "my type."

I still have dreams about the brace. I threw it out so long ago, in a garbage can outside of my parents' home (I didn't even wonder if it needed to be in recycling), but as clear as day it shows up some nights.

It is there when I meet new people who I am unsure about. It is there when my judgement is questioned, when my children's teachers chastise me for being late to pick-up. It is there when I accentuate my figure and realize that I'm accentuating my figure because I want to show it, because I hid it for so long, because I forfeited it for three pregnancies (the last one being a twin pregnancy). It is there when I question why I'm not someone famous or why I haven't published the novel I wrote in 2001. It is there as I write this now and wonder what you'll think. You see, I can't stop bracing myself.

Under my arm, cutting into my skin, velcroed behind my back, the memory is vivid.

It is there, but it is also not.

Muffins

2010-11-11T02:56:00.000-08:00

I have so much to say about muffins and I'm NOT referencing the Betty White SNL sketch, so if that's where your mind is, read no further. This isn't the post for you.

I'm talking about what some folks consider to be breakfast but what in truth is a snack.

Look, recently I too went through my own muffin phase with that damningly delicious Dunkin Donuts Pumpkin Spice Muffin. If you haven't tried one, don't! Although they are absolutely scrumptious, they have 600 calories and 26 grams of fat. For those on the Atkins diet, this is a nightmare of 56 carbohydratic proportions. (Yes, that's 56 grams of carbs!)

When I found out the nutritional info, I didn't touch the stuff again. However, 'tis the season, and when I pass a Dunkin Donuts knowing that the Holloween-special is still offered, although I'm tempted, I've gotten very good at driving past the store and right on home.

On a personal, non-dietary note, I had one traumatic experience with a muffin that taught me to rethink America's favorite junky pseudo breakfast:

I was working in a PR firm and had skipped breakfast one morning, so I decided to pop downstairs and buy a blueberry muffin. I was in the process of picking at it back at my desk, when I got an AOL instant message. Unfortunately, it wasn't actually intended for me.

CandyPR: Isn't that gross how she's eating the muffin with her fingers? EWWWW, DISGUSTING!

Me: What???!!!!

"CandyPR" quickly rushed offer, saying that I shouldn't read the message. It wasn't intended for me. But it was about me and I had read it. Though I was terribly offended to be the subject of gossip, I came to realize something as "CandyPR" explained that she always ate muffins with a fork and knife: No one really wants to watch you eat a muffin. They are crumbly and the crumbs can get caught between your nails and then before you know it, you're licking your fingers in what you think is a dainty fashion - but others would tend to disagree.

I'm not saying that I'll never eat a muffin (and yes, on the occasion that I do, it's with a knife and fork). I really do like the way they taste. I just tend to stay away from them as much as possible. Muffin etiquette is still debatable and when you add calories into the equation, it becomes a true hassle to even consider the treat.

Look, on the subject of muffin nutrition, anyone who professes to be "naturally skinny" is a liar or a freak. Most of us have to do something to stay thin, for me that means watching what I eat - to a point - and exercising. I allow myself a treat of some sort each day because I want to enjoy life. I've just found that the muffin, despite its smaller size, is equivalent to the donut. And yes, there are the fat free and the low fat varieties, but usually they don't taste as good, and when they do, there's a catch - either calories or carbohydrates.

Something about starting my day with a healthy dose of protein, like in almonds or pumpkin seeds, gives me confidence. The body is like a well-oiled machine on protein. I'm ready to zoom and zip through work, carpool, exercise, kids' bedtime madness, you name it. With protein, you know that you're metabolism is stoked and whether it is psychological or real, your belly will feel and possibly even look flatter at the end of the day.

Also, the sugar in muffins will lead to highs and lows and possible headaches. We also know that sugar isn't ultimately good for the skin. Dr. Nicholas Perricone would tell you to skip the muffin and go for Nova Scotia smoked salmon. However, it's definitely tough to make that switch from a sweet to a salty breakfast, so yogurt seems like a great, nutritious middle ground.

In college, when I ate a muffin each morning, I felt sluggish, got headaches and the rest of the day I didn't eat too well. I feel (and nutritionists will tell you) that what you have for breakfast sets the dietary precedent for the rest of the day.

So, have some eggs, some almonds, or pumpkin sees (high in magnesium, which will help stave off morning headaches) or yogurt this morning. Add a mug of metabolism-spiking green tea after your morning coffee. Let me know what you think of a muffin-free morning and how you felt for the rest of the day.

CONTEST & GIVEAWAY "Quick & Kosher Meals in Minutes" (ending 11/18)

2010-11-10T11:32:00.000-08:00

If you're anything like me, your idea of cooking a great dinner involves getting in and OUT of the kitchen as fast as possible. With all the great chefs and fancy cookbooks out there, that goal isn't always easy to achieve. But then again, that means you haven't met Jamie Geller, the only cookbook author who wants to shorten your PCS time (for those not in the know, that's Prep Cook Serve!).

"Quick + Kosher Meals in Minutes From the Bride Who Knew Nothing" was just released (Feldheim publishers). On each page is a full meal, including a dessert or creative beverage, accompanying side dish and a wine suggestion for the meal. Once again Jamie is here to make your life less complicated. I say "again" because she's also the bestselling author of the '07 hit "Quick + Kosher Recipes From the Bride Who Knew Nothing." Although her moniker no longer applies (she sure knows a little somethin' about the kitchen these days!), she's still and always will be about "less fuss" and shortening cooking and hassle time.

The book, which retails for $34.99 is now available FREE for one lucky winner of my giveaway. Just email me (sweiss@weissmediagroup.com) and let me know about your most humorous kitchen faux pas. Make sure it's written in 100 words or less. The deadline for entries is Thursday, November 18. If you win, I can share your tale (anonymous if you choose) and send you the beautiful hardcover, full colored-photo book.

Our first contest and giveaway, hurrah!

DISCLAIMER: I represent Jamie Geller and conduct PR for her book. If you'd like to get in touch with her for interviews and speaking engagements, please email me.

The Key

2010-11-04T15:24:00.000-07:00

His name was Darren. He was a lawyer. Her name was Sarah. She was a teacher. She should have known better, but she fell for him through a flirty email exchange. He was sort of dating someone at the time, or two someones, or maybe four. It didn't matter - She felt special. They began to see one other, dinner dates, movie dates, fancy steakhouses, swanky bars, and every time he saw her, he wanted to see her again. He wasn't the commitment type at all, he said, but she had such a hold on him that he was "seriously considering" being committed - to her. He was "falling," he said and he wasn't one to fall. She felt special.

As their courtship turned into a relationship, they spent 3 evenings together a week, then 4, then suddenly it was 7 days a week and as far as she knew, the other girls he'd been flirting with were out of the picture. She didn't ask. But she spent more and more time with him and eventually, she sort of moved in. While she had her own apartment, his spacious pad was her home away from home.

"I think I'm falling in love with you," he said one evening as they sipped wine on his balcony.She was on cloud nine.

But every time they were supposed to meet in his lobby after work, he was late. She would wait, chat with the doorman and stare at her feet. And one evening, while she and Darren had no "official plans" - she thought nothing of the "pop by" - the doorman buzzed and there was no answer in his apartment. She thought it strange because she knew he had to be home for his weekly business conference calls with China, which he liked to prepare for at his bedroom desk. No answer. She tapped her foot impatiently. Smiled at the doorman. And felt pathetic.

When he finally answered, he was apologetic, letting her know he'd been in the shower and hadn't heard the doorman's buzz - letting her know this, more than an hour later.

"Why don't you make things easier and give me the key to the apartment?" she asked.

He smiled.

"You know how I feel about you. I'm CRAAAAAZY about you, but I can't do that."

"Why not?" she asked.

He hesitated, something he was not prone to do as a snappy-comeback lawyer. "That's just a little piece of me that I need to hold onto. Giving away the key symbolizes something big that I'm not ready to give up yet."

"I can't imagine that you're seeing anyone else..."she said.

"I'm actually not and as you know, that's a big deal for me," he said, "and you know that I would tell you if I was."

He would. He had in the past. He was honest to a fault (quite obnoxious and "cocky," as was the word of the times) and his honesty pained her sometimes. But she was infatuated. "Because I love you," he added. He had never actually said "I love you" outright before. Until that point, it was always "I think I might be falling in love with you" and being the expert he claimed to be in semantics, there was a difference.

"Then I'd like the key," she said.

"You are hot," he responded, looking her up and down.

The discussion was clearly over.

The next day, they were lazing about and she said she was craving gummy worms from the corner store. He was going to take a call for work.

"Here, take a copy of the key," he said, tossing the metal object her way without much ado.

'Wow,' she thought - but not so fast. "Just for now. You're giving it back," he said.

But somehow, he forgot to ask for it back as he worked painstakingly on a 27 year old legal case that would never be solved. And she -conveniently - forgot to give it back.

The next day during lunch break at work, she had an evil thought: What's this big deal about the key? There's a locksmith on the corner. I'm making a copy.

She was almost in shock when the locksmith took all of 2 minutes to make the copy. It seemed to her that the key was such a precious object to Darren, it shouldn't be so easy to be copy. It couldn't be so so easy to copy. But it was. It was being copied, and then, just like that, she had it. She felt powerful.

I won't tell Darren, she thought. Because she also felt like a criminal.

But as repentent former criminals often do, she confessed later that evening. She thought he'd laugh or chastise her for a moment, take the copy as she held out her outstretched arm, and move on.

What she wasn't expecting was his reaction.

At first he was quiet. Then, firmly, he asked her to leave.

For two weeks she didn't hear a word from him. Then she decided to go to his bar and when she saw him, he told her as much "It's my bar. If you don't leave, I will."

She realized then and there, as she watched him drape his arms around two busty brunettes, that this was more than just anger about a key. The key was a convenient excuse. She had been unlocking something inside him and when something got caught, the key wouldn't turn. The truth was, something was on the other side of the door. She was pretty sure it was Darren. He wasn't letting her in on any level. And, whether she admitted it to herself or not, he'd been home all those times when she'd waited, making chitchat with the doorman. He'd heard the buzzer. He'd known she was waiting..and waiting for him. And she would not continue to wait. Because he would continue to keep her waiting. He had no issue with that.

The story really should end here as all good stories do. With a lesson learned. With dignity in tact. With the strong woman taking the high road. With the woman knowing she had done something wrong, but that she had also apologized for it. With the woman knowing the chapter was closed.

But this is a true story and true stories often have more complicated endings than their fairytale counterparts.

Later on, she would have liked for this to be the ending though, where she walked out of the bar and never saw him again. (Truth be told, she did walk out of the bar. She also later called him and they got back together - for a short while until they broke up for good.)

When recounting the story to her single friends years later - years later when she had met the man of her dreams and was happily married in a cozy house with children and her own set of keys, she would say that this was where the story had ended. That this was the point where she had left.

She would neglect to mention the three months more that they spent together after "the key incident." She would neglect to mention those Sunday brunches with his mom or hiking trips they took in upstate New York. She would neglect to mention that they continued to date while he said "he could not completely trust her now" because she'd copied his key. She would neglect to mention how he would date other women while he spent the majority of his time with her and when she asked him "why?" he would tell her she had no right to ask - no right because of her "crime" which he just couldn't shake.

But this is where she would end the story when her friends complained about the guys who complained about them, who played mind games and who had some sort of issue with them and therefore, could not commit to an exclusive relationship. She would say that she walked away as Darren draped his arm over those brunettes, in that moment when she fully understood that it was about more than just a key.

She never forgot about "the key" as she got older and forgot about Darren, while keys turned in locks and doors opened and locks changed and new doors opened and locks changed again and again..More new doors opened, home doors and work doors, shed doors, doors to children's rooms - nieces, nephews, sons, daughters...

But as she entered new doors, doors that overlooked the blazing sunset view of New York City or vacation views of pools and palm trees or the lights of Las Vegas, she continued to hear sounds in the background - sounds of doors getting jammed by the person on the other end, with their chair pressed against the opposite side, and their sturdy yet antiquated gold chain lock.

The sounds were always in the distance, as some of the unlucky, ill-fated courtships of the next generation began..

..courtships that would turn to rust like a key left too long inside a tin box.

Savvima Review & Giveaway of “Quick & Kosher – Meals in Minutes”

2010-11-02T15:01:00.000-07:00

Savvima Review & Giveaway of “Quick & Kosher – Meals in Minutes”

Ping Pong has quite the Entourage!

2010-08-01T11:26:00.000-07:00

While many trends have us scratching our heads (i.e. "Silly Bandz"), a sporty staple of the 70's and 80's has become popular again. "Does anybody want this THING?" asked my in-laws, referring to the ping pong table that has sat in their basement for over 30 years. My kids (and - well, I'll admit it - my husband and I) excitedly volunteered to take it, as well as balls and paddles intrinsic to the game. All the while, we pondered our own basement space and the fact that its floor slopes downward.

While we haven't yet transferred the table from my in-laws home to ours, individuals across the country (- make that "the world" -) are dusting off their own ping pong paraphernalia. The popularity of table tennis rises as clubs open that are specifically geared toward it. Championships are held and even televised. And on HBO's Entourage, the characters get fiercely competitive when it comes to the "sport" that used to simply be referred to as an outdated past time.

In November 2008, Ravi Somaiya of The New York Times, reported on the sudden resurgence of ping pong players, which includes actress Susan Sarandon and filmmakers, Jonathan Bricklin, Bill Mack and Franck Raharinosy. The filmmaking trio even hosted a ping pong event that attracted the likes of Owen Wilson, Salman Rushdie, 50 Cent, the Beastie Boys and Jimmy Buffett.

Sarandon told The New York Times that she had spoken with actor Ed Norton, who was so serious about ping pong, he trained in it while filming a movie in China.

It is no wonder then that with all these famous faces coming to the table (-yes, that was intended - ) members of the clergy have clamored to the sport as well. Father Hector Ulysses R. Canon, is a dedicated pastor at San Isidro Church in Malojloj, Guam and he lists ping pong among his favorite recreational activities. Rabbi Adam Kligfeld, Senior Rabbi at Temple Beth Am in Los Angeles, has played table tennis with teen congregants.

This Tuesday, Rabbi Ephraim Buchwald of the National Jewish Outreach Project (NJOP) welcomes those who'd like to challenge him to a duel, and brandishing paddles like Light Sabers, may the force be with them!

For those unfamiliar with Rabbi Buchwald's organization NJOP, it is an independent, non-profit organization dedicated to providing a basic Jewish education (through educational courses and many creative and interesting experiential programs) for every Jew in America. You may already be following their "tweets" (@JewishTweets on Twitter) or have participated in the event "Shabbat Across America."

Regardless, you can sign up for an evening of "Ping Pong & Perrier" at the Sarandon-owned all ping pong joint, Spin NY (Incidentally, Kevin Dillon and John Stamos worked with "professional table tennis trainers" - you learn something new every day, right? - at Spin on the west coast for Entourage), and showcase your ping pong prowess for a great cause.

While I assess the dimensions of my basement & the practicality of a ping pong table, I'll watch Forrest Gump & see how it's done. But if you don't take yourself too seriously, or if you're as good as Entourage's "Johny Drama," you can sign up at the link below. It will be a great time!

http://www.njop.org/ (then click on the "Ping Pong & Perrier" icon)

The Thrill of the Chaste

2010-06-23T11:44:00.000-07:00

We all know the saying"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" But sometimes life and trashy reality shows indicate the opposite when the fun, flirty and sexually adventurous female wins out over Sweet Stacey (Actually, on MTV's "The Hills," Stacey was anything but sweet, and a girl named Mikhaila fit the sweet description, but anyway..).

I decided to hit the streets and ask single men what they REALLY thought of sweet young women and more specifically, chaste young women.

Of course, since this occurred over summer vacation, hitting the streets was no easy task with a full double stroller and 2 older kids tagging behind, but we made the best of a difficult situation.

Mike D from Englewood: "If a chick doesn't put out by date 3, finito."

Me: Shh - I mean, please just speak carefully around the kids if you don't mind...Kids we're talking about baby chicks, you know the cute little animal...How old are you, Mike?

Mike D: 22

Me: Got it. Thanks for your time.

I decided that next, I was best off approaching an affable business man who looked about my age, mid to upper 30s (draw your own conclusions about my age), no wedding band.

Me: I'm writing an article for my blog on "The Thrill of the Chaste." What are your thoughts on chaste women?

Affable Business Man: I like a very outgoing woman. I think it's imperative not to put everything forth at the beginning and to wait a while. In fact, my recent relationships can't really be categorized as 'relationships' because things moved too fast. I would be more excited and more inclined to stick around if there were more layers to peel rather than just clothes to peel off ."(he whispers the last part and sort of mumbles it. I thank him.)

Naturally, I wasn't surprised by these two totally different reactions to the same question. Men who are looking for relationships and are ready to "settle down" are more interested in getting to know the women before getting into the..rhymes with "black" (hey, I have religious readers! Then again, maybe this post should come with an NR - Not Religious - rating). Boys who are just looking to have a good time are just looking for a good time. Yada yada, nothing new here. But is peeling back a woman's layers for one man like peeling the layers off an onion to another?

What I am surprised about are the women, friends of mine who tell me they feel pressured to move quite fast early on when dating someone. When I asked Affable Business Man to address their collective complaint, he said he couldn't really understand it, but that if a woman is "dragging her feet" and going too slow, he'll think she either has something to hide or isn't interested.

When I speak to my 30 year old friend Jess, she cringes describing "the waaaay too-uninhibited girl." I immediately think of Natalie from The Bachelor (Jake's season) who was also a contender on The Bachelor Pad, the sexed-up Big Brother-esque competition where guys from past seasons of the Bachelorette evict girls from past seasons of The Bachelor, and vis versa. One of the vapid female contendors on the show, Natalie, used her feminine wiles and - well, definitely not her brain - to play the game. Although her first "love" interest seemed completely smitten, he very quickly decided she wasn't the girl to bring home to mamma. "Oh, the way too uninhibited girl," laments Jess. Jess is single.

"I can't be like that," she says, "but then I've become that girl; When I really fall for someone, I fall hard. From the outside looking in, it's easy to say 'Don't do it! Don't show too much, don't give too much. Keep that momentum going by being mysterious.' There's a thrill..."

" The 'Thrill of the Chaste,'" I say. And maybe haste makes waste. Maybe. Or maybe Jess is still single because she's overthinking it.

On an episode of Dating in the Dark, the reality dating show where contestants "date" without actually laying eyes on one another until the very end, Brian reveals to Lisa that he is a very religious Chrisitan...(wait for it) virgin! Lisa laughs out of nervousness, but ultimately decides she wants to continue dating him for his personality and values, even if she doesn't agree with the whole celibacy deal. Brian, deciding that Lisa is a "very sexual person" decides not to meet up with her, concluding that they have different values and ultimately, that they wouldn't be a match.

What I found interesting was that Lisa had done a complete 180 and was eager to meet Brian, deciding that his reasons for remaining a virgin until marriage were admirable. As the rules of the show dictate, Lisa waited on the porch for Brian because she was interested in meeting him. Brian didn't show because you only show if you are in fact interested - and that would be, interested in continuing the relationship "in the light." Lisa was enticed by the thrill of the chaste. Brian seemed more eligable because he was not like other guys. But what Brian withheld he also beheld (chastity), and alas, Lisa was stood up.

As I was writing this blog post, I thought my title was most original and then I did a Google search for "Thrill of the chaste." What I found surprised me. There is actually a book out there by the very same title - a title which I thought I'd brilliantly come up with on my own (well, I did come up with it on my own, but someone else did too)! Dawn Eden, a New York Daily News columnist and blogger who underwent a dramatic conversion ceremony from Judaism to Christianity at age 31, published a book called The Thrill of the Chaste: Finding Fullfilment While Keeping Your Clothes On. Rather than a preachy "I always was a virgin" tale, the book, according to reviews, is a "Been there, done that, learned and transformed myself" tome. In short, Eden urges single 20 and 30somethings to take a second look at their Sex in the City approach, and she does so by relating her own experiences and mishaps and the insight she gained by going about it all wrong. She stresses that mystery is essential - by remaining chaste, a man and woman become intrigued by one another and the intrigue is the springboard for love. Whether you believe in this or think it's hogwash, we all know that it is best not to give too much too soon. We know about "The Rules" and "He's Just Not That Into You" and we know from our own dating experiences exactly why "He never called," or why she is "The One Who Got Away."

It boils down to common sense, emotional IQ and social cues and the fact that all I've written above is not entirely original.

But really, does it matter whether it's original or not?!

Folks are still making the same mistakes every day in relationships, giving away free milk, forgetting there's a tantalizing cow to sell that will reel in quite a profit - and I do admit to referencing an annoyingly antiquated cliche. But many of these folks, friends and people I've spoken with, are left with that empty, bottomless pit feeling (and look, I'm not addressing those who are having fun and are happy to have casual sex/casual almost-sex, or those who are generally happy in any sort of casual relationship. I am specifically addressing those who really feel that they are "giving too much" of themselves only to meet with disappointment...time and again. I'm addressing those who feel "something's gotta give" and who've expressed "I can't take it anymore!"). For those who want a lasting, meaningful, lifelong relationship, things have to change.

You may abhor my title (and Dawn Eden's) and be of the mindset of Alex Comfort, MD, that famed "Joy of Sex" author and sexpert. He said "We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue than malnutrition." I personally believe that there's a middle ground between frigid and foolhardy behavior.

Like the American Romantic and diplomat James Russell Lowell said over a century ago:

"Such power there is in clear-eyed self-restraint."

Skip the Long Lectures...

2010-06-22T18:12:00.000-07:00

I wish Twitter had been around when I was a kid praying that my teachers would just condense their long lessons. Now, you can do a little learning each day with a lot less yawning.

Susanne Goldstone Rosenhouse is the social media director for Manhattan-based National Jewish Outreach Project (NJOP) and in this role, Rosenhouse's job is to spread the Jewish word in just a few words.

Essentially, she tweets.

On June 15th, The Jewish Week named Rosenhouse to its "36 under 36," a list that consists of young men and women who are "landscaping the face of Jewish life." Just last year, she was also welcomed into the ROI community of Jewish innovators.

"I think it's a huge honor to be grouped with such amazing young Jews that are working hard to better their community," says Rosenhouse, who you too can follow on Twitter @ JewishTweets. "It's great that NJOP is being recognized for our forward-thinking efforts in social media. Now we are giving Jews a sense of community not only in their hometowns, working with their local synagogues and organizations, but also on the web where adults today spend much of their time."

In the article below, Julie Weiner of The Jewish Week features Rosenhouse and talks more about her ultra-modern approach to teaching tradition. Although this article is way longer than a Tweet, it's definitely worth the read!

Susanne Goldstone Rosenhouse, 30
Social media rock star
Julie Wiener
Associate Editor
Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Susanne Goldstone Rosenhouse

Several numbers structure Susanne Goldstone Rosenhouse’s life. There’s 613, the number of mitzvot that Orthodox Jews like herself observe. And then there’s 140, the character limit on Twitter, where Rosenhouse spends much of her workday.

As founding social media coordinator for the Manhattan-based National Jewish Outreach Project, Rosenhouse, whose handle is JewishTweets, tweets about 12 times per day on myriad Jewish topics. For many of her 8,000-plus followers, Jewish Tweets provides a “sense of community” and is their main link to the Jewish world, she says.

Rosenhouse’s tweets range from trivia and news to questions intended to spark discussions about Judaism (“What was your seder like growing up?”), links to articles and blogs from all over the Web and suggestions of daily Jewish “actions” to take.

Some recent tweets: “It was today, Rosh Chodesh Sivan in Hebrew Year 2448, that the Jews arrived at Mt. Sinai & prepared to receive the Torah!” (May 14, 9:22 a.m.); “Action: If you have a friend or family member in need, find a discreet way to help, such as giving food you ‘over-bought.’” (May 13, 5:32 p.m.)

She answers questions about Judaism (many of which she refers to rabbis), helps connect Shabbat hosts and guests, and reads the posts of the almost 5,000 people she follows. “I don’t want to be followed and not follow back,” she says. “You can’t engage people on Twitter if you just spout, spout, spout.”

She also serves as a program officer at NJOP and was one of the volunteers who helped launch ParnasaFest, a Jewish job-networking event.

Rosenhouse grew up in a Reform but “Chabad-friendly” home in Orange County, Calif. She chose to go to Yeshiva University’s Stern College, where she was one of only a handful of public school grads, because she “loved the idea of a dual curriculum.”

Recently married (she met her husband, also a baal teshuvah and YU alum, through the online site SawYouAtSinai), Rosenhouse lives in Washington Heights and, believe it or not, also has a personal Twitter handle: Susqhb. “It tends to be very Jewy, but I also tweet about things like movies.”

Bet you didn’t know that... Until six months ago, when she got a Droid (“I have Verizon, so the iPhone isn’t in my clutches”), Rosenhouse did not own a smartphone, doing all her Tweeting from computers.

Head of the Class

2010-06-10T15:25:00.000-07:00

As educational philosphies go, it is far better to be at the head of the class than to be the one who is behind.

But is it far better to be ahead of the ones who are behind?

If your child is only struggling marginally, do you switch him to the lower track, or hire a tutor?

If you're child is exceptionally ahead, do you skip her to the next grade?

"I worry about my daughter being labeled, pigeon-holed, being held back by the administration because she's in the lowest track of the grade," confided a friend of mine. Her daughter will be entering a "Transitional Class" in second grade this coming school year.

Another friend confided that she loves that her daughter was in that Transitional Class this past school year because she's getting one-on-one attention in less of a fast-paced environment. "In the other second grade classes, there was one teacher as opposed to two and she literally flew! If you didn't finish your work in the classroom, you were stuck with a ton of homework. It's discouraging for the child who needs more individualized attention and the extra time to get classwork done properly."

In my own elementary school experience, I was placed in the lower track in first through fourth grade and I remember feeling stifled, knowing much more than the rest of the class and anticipating what the teacher was going to say before she said it. I wished that I could skip ahead to the next (a medium) track. When I approached the principal about it, he was a bit of a snob.

"I don't deal with placement. Your math teacher Mrs. __ does. You'll have to take it up with her." (Incidentally, this principal happened to be the same one who played basketball with the students, but only with the popular ones from rich neighborhoods, who just so happened to also be in the higher tracks...I'm just sayin'! Don't get me wrong: This was the 80's and I believe - or at least hope - things have changed.)

This was his "easy way out" as obviously, being the principal, he was the one to oversee Mrs. __'s decisions.

From what I've observed, I think schools today recognize students' accomplishments and are less hesitant to promote them to the next level.

Programs like Sinai (based in New Jersey) for special needs students encourage moving many of those students to regular school classrooms when it is determined that they are ready. Most schools that have a track system will follow a student's development and see to it that they are where they should be in time.

Some parents complain that their kids are way ahead of the class and should be moved up, others say that their kids can't keep up with what's expected of them. I think we have to keep in mind that just as much as we'd like our kids to be ahead rather than behind, being with kids that are far behind them can hinder them academically and socially.

"My son sometimes faces resentment because he's way ahead of the other students," says my friend Laura, whose son was in a regular classroom this year without tracks, "It has affected his popularity. Then there are other times when he can't get any of his work done because students are coming up to him to ask questions about the work, while the teacher helps others. I'm thinking of seeing if he can skip a grade, but then I risk his being younger both chronologically and emotionally, and possibly behind the other kids academically. It's a catch-22."

It really is.

Just like my Extra Bold Sumatran Reserve coffee this morning, some things are ideal. On the other hand, a lot of things aren't. You may find that your child is in the perfect class for him or her and you may not. It is crucial to keep the lines of communication open with the effective members of the school administration. Get to know that administration and make sure that they know each and every one of the kids in the school.

(It may be worth seeing who the principal plays basketball with...if you catch my drift.)

Mind over Mouth

2010-06-10T04:53:00.000-07:00

Several months after giving birth to my first son, someone asked me how I got in shape.

"Do you diet? Do you exercise like a maniac? Do you eat only salads sans the dressing? What's your secret?"

Well, it's not genetics, I explained. I'm not one of the elite few who claim to be "naturally thin," in fact, I believe in no such thing. If I had to venture a guess, I'd say that about 1 percent of the American population is "naturally thin."

"It's mind over mouth," I said, only to be met with a blank stare.

Mind over Mouth is a very simple concept, I explained. Eat when you're hungry and make healthy choices, but when you want to keep indulging or have a second cookie, ask yourself these important questions: "Am I truly hungry or is my mouth just craving something? Is my hunger real?" This may sound like an approach for the obsessive, but let's get real: Who is not just a little bit obsessed with keeping/getting healthy and keeping/getting in shape?

So the next time you reach for that second helping, wait a few minutes first to determine if you're truly hungry.

Are you?

You may be surprised to find that you're actually satiated.

And if your mouth didn't get the message...

pop a mint.

What I don't know won't hurt me?

2010-06-09T13:10:00.000-07:00

"Do you know what Sara said about you?"

You might expect the answer to that question to be, "uh,oh, what did Sara say about me?" while you watch me brace myself for the answer, but if that's what you expect, then you don't know ME.

You see, I don't want to know.

I rarely, if ever, want to know. Because the answer would be something like this:

"Sara says you think you're all that and you're not."

"Sara says your nose is too wide."

"...your eyes are too big."

"...your teeth are crooked."

Sara could say half a million things and whether they're true or untrue, unless Sara's saying something nice or something truly terrible that I need to put a stop to right now, I don't want to know.

You read the above correctly.

It will just get me angrier with Sara to know what she's been saying and I may end up confronting Sara and that won't be pretty. Or worse, I'll end up harping on what Sara said, stewing away until, just like a cartoon character, steam blows right out of my bright red ears.

And Sara... While she might be (or act) contrite momentarily, she'll continue to gossip at some point in the not-too-distant future, and whether it's about me or about someone else, Sara will be Sara.

It's enough to know that Sara said something that wasn't very nice. Now spare me the details.

"Do you want to know what Sara said about you?"

"Did she say something good?"

"...No..."

"Then, no, I don't want to know."

"What??"

"I said 'No.'"

"Well, she said -"

"NO. I mean it: I really don't want to know. Please don't tell me."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive"

"...OK."

Are We Better Yet?!

2010-06-09T06:29:00.001-07:00

I haven't blogged in ages and I think it's about time, don't you agree? This blog is called Free Radical Thinking because of my obsession with preventing irksome things from getting us down. 'Carperundum de illegitimate' (spelling? accuracy?) is what a relative of mine always says, which she translates as "don't let the bastards get you down." Similar to the bastards or negative influences in one's life that can be harmful to your psyche, oxidized 'free radicals' in the human body are believed to cause cell damage, harming our DNA, mitochondria and cell membrane. These free radicals are behind the "anti-aging revolution," from diet books to skin books to diets to skin creams to DNA testing kits to DNA-focused nutritional supplements....the list goes on & on and on.

Is your anti-aging cream helping you? Is your nutritional supplement helping you to feel younger? Is your therapy session at 150 dollars for 45 minutes changing your life? How about that psychotropic medication, or the more natural approach of St. John's Wort supplement for depression? Has your moisturizer obliterated your wrinkles? Are those bags under your eyes kaput from the hydroquinone? I guess the question that I'm really asking is: Now that there's a solution for everything,

ARE WE BETTER YET?!

(I'd love to hear from you and I'm always interested to know what works and what doesn't work.)

FertilityTies Launches (www.FertilityTies.com)

2009-04-01T06:18:00.000-07:00

New Social Media Site Launches for the Fertility-Focused:

FertilityTies.com to Unite Members and Experts for Information Exchange and Support, Offline Event Scheduled for June 6, 2009 at The Hilton New York Hotel

New Fertility-Focused Social Media Site Offers 24/7 Support and a “community” for those TTC (“trying to conceive”) & Faced with Infertility, June Event to Add Personal Touch to Online Community

April 1, 2009 - Los Angeles, California – FertilityTies, a new social media site and online community, launched today to provide those faced with infertility and those trying to conceive with the opportunity to connect with peers and medical experts. Now more than ever, in the wake of “OctoMom” and in the midst of a recession, patients want to assure that they select a respected physician with credentials and referrals, that they make wise choices for the sake of health, family and finances. Many of these patients, aggravated by extensive online searching for answers from multiple sites, can now find everything that they are looking for in a singular destination; FertilityTies is a community and social media site for everything pertaining to fertility.

The site, http://www.fertilityties.com/, offers: daily medical information, access to Q&As answered by respected MDs, the option to journal about one’s experiences and hear from others in similar situations, a live chat, fertility-focused polls (i.e. “Should infertility treatments be government regulated?”), a physician directory with patient testimonials, and more, including tools and charts to be unveiled in the coming months.

“Assisted reproductive technologies are an amazing innovation and fertility treatments have come a long way, but recently the subject has been linked with controversy,” said Veronica Alvarez, Founder and CEO of FertilityTies, referring to Nadya Suleman (the tabloid-magnate mom of octuplets) and to women over the age of 50 undergoing risky IVF treatments. “We want our members to be aware of respected physicians with high success rates and completely ethical approaches. We hope to arm our members with helpful tools that are available on a single site rather than in multiple destinations, and to lead them to information regarding cost-effective and medically effective treatments.”

FertilityTies, prior to its launch, has had over 25,000 questions and over 250,000 comments posted. Users hail from the U.S., India, the U.K., Canada, Australia and across the world. Despite difficult economic times and the fact that the site is still in Beta mode, over 50 members have already committed to attending the June event, including Sarah Rice of Hartford, CT, who is helping to plan it.

“Fertility Ties has introduced me to a wonderful group of women and doctors in the fertility world who have taught me about ovulation predictor kits, what a cycle day is, but most importantly I was able to connect with other women who have had the same experiences as me,” said Rice. “The support and guidance I received from this online community during one of the most difficult times in my life, having suffered from two miscarriages, is invaluable. I found support from Dr. Q who took the time to answer my questions once I did achieve a healthy pregnancy. And the friendships I have made will last a lifetime."

FertilityTies June 6th event will take place at The Hilton New York Hotel, located at West 53rd Street and Avenue of the Americas, where assisted reproductive technologies will be discussed and members’ questions will be addressed by a panel of physicians. Alvarez says that she hopes the event, which will cover topics such as “Male and Female Infertility”, “Secondary Infertility & Ethics”, and “Acupuncture & Fertility”, will allow members to bond and get the reassurance they crave from top medical experts, bridging the divide between access to online information and information that can be obtained in the real world.

About FertilityTies and Veronica Alvarez, Founder & CEO

FertilityTies (www.FertilityTies.com) was founded and created by Veronica Alvarez, an accomplished professional with an extensive business background. While she herself has not undergone fertility treatments, she is passionate about online communities and “building products that help make the world a better place.” She has over 12 years of experience creating, building, and running some of the largest communities on the web, having worked with Yahoo! En espanol, Yahoo! Personals, Yahoo! Avatars and many other sites.
"I truly believe that by empowering people through access to information, a difference can be made, and what better community to build than one that is based on family values and a desire to have a family regardless of your gender, religious background or sexual orientation."
Alvarez’s desire to create FertilityTies arose not only from being touched by the lives of friends faced with infertility, and from meeting fertility specialists like FertilityTies’ Rudy Quintero, MD, but from a desire to serve markets that can greatly benefit from social media and Internet technology. Alvarez realized that she would like to help this particular growing niche (infertility is on the rise worldwide) to gain access to desired fertility information, and help them to avoid frustration from controversial items that appear in the media.

About Rudy Quintero, MD
Dr. Rudy Quintero, a Reproductive Endocrinologist in Los Angeles, is the key 24/7 medical expert who answers members’ questions on the site. (Note: He will not dispense medical advice, make a diagnosis or suggest treatment through the site).
Says Alvarez about Dr. Quintero: “He has been working with our members on a daily basis, providing information free of charge to those who were not his own patients in an effort to empower them with information. He’s a strong patient advocate who has already begun bringing new members to the site through his careful and competent responses to the questions posed. We see him as our pillar, someone who will be instrumental in the community’s continuing success.”

To connect with Dr. Quintero and other medical experts, to find out about the June FertilityTies’ event, and to learn more about the site, go to http://www.fertilityties.com/.
*The information on FertilityTies.com is for informational purposes only. The site does not provide any medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.*

March 15th Jewish Genetics Program at KJ

2009-03-01T18:23:00.000-08:00

Nishmat’s Miriam Glaubach Center Presents

Knowing Your Jewish Genetic Heritage: Awareness for the Sake of Your Children & Their Children (A Medical & Halachic Discussion)

Program to take place Sunday March 15th, 10:30am-12:00pm at Congregation Kehilath Jeshurun in Manhattan

Monday, March 2, 2009 – On Sunday, March 15th, Nishmat’s Miriam Glaubach Center, which provides resources and programs across North America for individuals, families, synagogues and mikvaot on topics of Taharat Hamishpacha (laws related to women and mikvah) and women’s health, will present a Jewish genetics symposium entitled “Knowing Your Jewish Genetic Heritage: Awareness for the Sake of Your Children and Their Children (A Medical & Halachic Discussion).” The event will take place from 10:30am to 12:00pm at Congregation Kehilath Jeshurun, 125 East 85th Street in Manhattan.

The Nishmat program offers a unique opportunity to hear from medical and Halachic experts about genetic testing and the Halachic implications of certain modern-day medical procedures. In light of recent news related to Jewish genetic diseases (e.g. the revelation that Mumbai’s terror victims Rabbi Gavriel and Rivka Holtzberg had children who were afflicted with Tay Sachs disease) and fertility treatments (the California “Octuplets,” egg donation becoming more prevalent in light of harsh economic times), issues surrounding genetics and fertility are once again prominently in the media spotlight.

The March 15th program will consist of a panel discussion led by Susan Gross, MD, Chairperson of the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology at North Bronx Healthcare Network and Jacobi Hospital, and Yoetzet Halacha Atara Eis, a Halachic advisor in the area of Taharat Hamishpacha. Eis is currently on staff at nine synagogues throughout Manhattan and Kemp Mill Synagogue in Silver Spring, MD.

Gross and Eis will discuss issues that include: the Halachic background related to encouraging genetic testing, the preferred model of testing for Jewish genetic diseases and how to keep testing a private matter in order to prevent stigmatization. They will also touch on Halachic issues related to In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF) and Pre-implantation Genetic Diagnosis (the process of screening embryos so they are deemed healthy prior to implantation during IVF).

To find out more about this program and other programs of Nishmat’s Miriam Glaubach Center, call 212-983-6975 or email mgc@afnishmat.org.

About Yoatzot Halacha
Yoatzot Halacha are chosen for their extensive Torah scholarship, leadership ability and deep religious commitment. To become certified, each Yoetzet devotes two years (over 1,000 hours) to talmudic and halachic study at Nishmat: The Jeanie Schottenstein Center for Advanced Torah Study for Women in Jerusalem. There they also receive training from experts in modern medicine, psychology, gynecology, infertility, women's health and sexuality. Following comprehensive examinations administered by a panel of distinguished Roshei Kollel and Poskim, graduates of Nishmat’s Keren Ariel Halachic Institute are awarded the title of Yoetzet Halacha.

Since the first graduating class in 2000, more than fifty women have been certified as Yoatzot Halacha. Many serve Jewish communities across Israel and North America and are available via phone or internet to women all over the world. They have answered thousands of questions in connection with the observance of taharat hamishpacha and on topics of women’s health.

To read more about Yoatzot Halacha and the issues they address, visit www.yoatzot.org and www.jewishwomenshealth.org. To contact a Yoetzet Halacha directly, call Nishmat’s Golda Koschitzky Halachic Hotline toll-free at 1-877-YOETZET or visit www.yoatzot.org to send an email. Every call and email is anonymous and confidential.

About Nishmat’s Miriam Glaubach Center
Nishmat’s Miriam Glaubach Center was established in 2006 through a generous grant from Drs. Miriam and Felix Glaubach to enhance women’s observance of the laws of taharat hamishpacha and bring the expertise and compassion of Nishmat’s Yoatzot Halacha to Jewish communities across North America. Programs include Shabbat scholars-in-residence and Yoetzet-in-residence workshops, taharat hamishpacha “refresher” courses, Women’s Health and Halacha Days, and other classes, lectures and programs tailored to individual community’s needs.

Crain's New York Business Article that quotes me

2009-02-23T18:21:00.000-08:00

Can we swing it?; Baby boom may be ending as parents wonder if they can afford childrenBYLINE: Miriam Kreinin SouccarSECTION: BUSINESS LIVES; Pg. 27LENGTH: 783 words
Nearly every night, the dreaded Excel spreadsheet comes out.
Shira Weiss and her husband turn to the computer program over and over again to recalculate their household budget. They aren't trying to figure out whether they can afford a larger house or a new car. They are trying to make what they once assumed would be an obvious decision: whether to have a third child.
Both Ms. Weiss, a public relations consultant, and her husband, director of sales and marketing at a dental imaging company, still have jobs. But fear over the worsening recession is putting them into a prepartum depression.
``We always wanted to have three kids, but there's that question mark hanging over the economy. We don't know if it's going to get better or worse,'' says 35-year-old Ms. Weiss. ``So here we are wondering, is a third child a luxury item?''
The great baby boom of the 21st century may be coming to an end. After more than five years of Bugaboo stroller traffic jams on sidewalks from the Upper East Side to Westchester, the economic crisis is putting a damper on procreation. Though it's too early to know if birthrates are actually going down, many families are rethinking their plans to have a third or fourth child, or even a first. In a city where expensive fertility treatments and adoption are more common because many women put off conceiving until they are older, the decision to proceed right now is even more vexing.
``the current economic climate has brought more focus on the high cost of raising a child to age 18 and then putting a child through college,'' says Susan Newman, a social psychologist. ``As more and more people lose jobs, couples are being forced to think hard before they add to their families.''
Fertility rates typically fall in times of economic uncertainty. During and after the Great Depression, women went from having an average of three children during the previous decade to two for the first time in U.S. history. And following the 1973 recession, birth rates fell to 65.0 per 1,000 people in 1976 from 68.8 in 1973, according to the National Center for Health Statistics.
The downturn in the New York City area--where large families have become a status symbol for the wealthy in recent years--may be even sharper because costs for housing and school are higher here than in many parts of the country.
``One of the perks of being an upper-middle-class family in Brooklyn or Manhattan was to have kids and send them to private school,'' says William Frey, a demographer at the Brookings Institution. ``Those folks may be especially hard-hit and will probably delay [having] kids for the short term.''
Tammy Kahn Fennell, vice president of VintageRareStuff.com, has been married for three years and was planning to start trying to conceive. But since the recession started, the 27-year-old and her husband have become too scared to take the plunge.
``Businesses go out real fast in this market, so I need to be working at 100%,'' Ms. Fennell says. ``If I had to go on bed rest or something during the pregnancy, I don't think we could survive at this point. And then, of course, there's paying for the baby, too.''
Difficult decisions
the already difficult decision is even harder for people who want to adopt or have to go through lengthy and costly fertility treatments.
Ms. Weiss turned to IVF to get pregnant with her second son and will need to repeat those treatments if she decides to have a third. The whole process costs at least $30,000.
Publicist Becky Fawcett and her husband spent their life savings of $200,000 on fertility treatments and finally adoption fees to become parents. Their son is now 3, and they are trying to adopt another baby. Luckily, they paid 90% of the adoption fees for their second child before her husband, who worked for Bear Stearns, lost his job.
``If we had to pay that money today, having a second child would have had to go on hold,'' Ms. Fawcett says. ``It would kill me right now if what stood between me becoming a mother again was money.''
The battle between the bank account and the biological clock is creating disagreements in some marriages, even among couples who can conceive naturally.
Sarah Caron, a freelance writer and editor, is anxious to have a third child soon. Her husband, a manager at an electronics store, thinks two might be enough, especially now.
The couple talks about the subject often, and Ms. Caron even coaches her 1-year-old and 3-year-old to nod their heads in front of their dad when she asks them if they want a new sibling.
Despite the worsening recession, Ms. Caron is confident she will win out. ``I'm sure we'll work it out somehow in my favor,'' she says. ``My goal is to start trying again by summer.''